Thursday, April 11, 1996
Loss should inspire others to appreciate each day’s love
Ninety-six die in earthquake that jolts central Ecuador. Death
toll reaches 24 in Chinese plane crash. Train derailed in northern
England killing 17, including four Americans.
Headlines like these are very common. We’ve all read or heard
countless amounts of them in our lifetimes. So many, in fact, that
we become numb. We get used to that sort of thing from the news,
even to the point that we are shocked when foul weather is the only
bad report of the day.
We may have a brief feeling of remorse for the people involved,
but we forget about them shortly thereafter and continue our lives.
After all, it always happens to the other guy. Why should we
concern ourselves with the plight of someone we don’t know?
It always happens to the other guy …
It always happens to the other guy …
That thought has been bouncing around in my head for 10 days
now, and I realize what a sham it is. Living with this attitude is
like living in a house of cards, which can come collapsing down
around you at any time.
One day you wake up, and the headline reads, "Californians are
killed in crash in India." On March 27, I became the other guy.
Several people dying in a bus wreck halfway across the world is not
supposed to touch my life, but … it has. My girlfriend, Cherese
Mari Laulhere, was killed in that bus crash. She was on a Semester
at Sea program that was supposed to be the trip of her
lifetime.
As I sit here and write these words, I do so in a state of
disbelief. I’ve asked myself over and over again why such a thing
had to happen, and especially to her. She had so much to offer, and
she never hurt anyone. I continue to search for an answer to all
this, but I know there is not one which any mortal has to
offer.
I can’t really figure what to write about her, but not because
there is nothing to say. I am having a hard time dealing with the
horrible reality that in some way I’m supposed to sum up her life
in one printed page, when in fact, there are so many blank pages in
her life book that should have been filled. I wanted to help her
fill those pages, but now they will remain empty . A bestseller
(I’m sure of that) never finished. Tragic.
Cherese packed more into her 21 years of life than many people
would get out of three lifetimes. She was involved in everything
growing up  tennis, drama, dance, animal rights, clubs,
modeling … and the list continues.
In the last few months of her life, she got to see things most
of us will only ever experience via the Discovery Channel or
National Geographic. Alligators at night on the Orinocco river in
Venezuela. Carnival in Brazil. An all-black township in South
Africa. A safari and an orphanage in Nairobi.
All along the way, Cherese talked about how the people touched
her heart, especially the children. She took very fondly to the
children of the orphanage in Nairobi and some children she stayed
with in Venezuela. We hadn’t really discussed yet our own hopes for
children, but her expression of emotion toward these kids does not
shock me in the least because of how big her heart was. Cherese
began to consider the Peace Corps because she wanted to help. She
wrote to me that she "wanted to make a difference in this world, no
matter how small."
Cherese was a very giving person and was extremely
nonjudgmental. This world needs more people like her. She was one
of the most beautiful people I have ever known, and I don’t mean
just on the outside. What made her so sweet was her modesty.
Cherese really didn’t believe that she had a lot to offer.
She was a very shy person to those she didn’t know well, but
once you were able to break those walls, you couldn’t stop her. I
feel so unfortunate, because while I was able to make it inside the
walls, I was not given enough time to reach the center. I’m just
very thankful for the time we did have together.
She always did things that surprised me, and I loved that. She
wouldn’t kill spiders on her wall, yet she liked to slam dance. She
wouldn’t confront her loud neighbors, yet she had the courage to
travel around the world on an obviously dangerous journey. I admire
the hell out of that woman. As I’ve spent time with her friends and
family in the last two weeks, I continue to learn things about her
that pleasantly surprise me. However, I feel so cheated that I was
not able to discover those things on my own.
I thank myself every day that I did not let her shy exterior
stop me. I knew there was someone genuine inside, and I had to see
that person. What does really upset me is that many people let that
shy exterior stop them. They saw this quiet person that would not
open up in the beginning, and they left it at that. They were the
ones who lost because she had so much to give.
I realize that to most of you I AM the other guy. Cherese IS the
other girl. You may feel badly because this accident touched close
to home (a UCLA student), but I’m afraid that the majority of you
will shrug this one off, just like we all do, all the time. I
understand that this is human nature. I just want to make a plea to
everyone based on what I have learned. Please don’t take what you
have for granted.
The special people (girlfriends, brothers, moms, grandfathers)
in your life should be cherished. Tell them you love them, tell
them you care about them and tell them they are special to you.
Know this: They may not be there tomorrow, and you may have to
spend the rest of your life regretting what went unsaid. Don’t kid
yourself and think, "Ah, they already know how I feel." Usually
they do, but that’s not the point. The point is it’s still
important to say the words when that’s what you feel.
I’ve tried to be profound here, I’ve tried to get deep. I have
tried so hard to honor Cherese and do her justice. The truth of the
matter is I feel inadequate because I don’t know how to write this
way, and whatever I say can’t bring her back. In reality , on the
inside I’m a scared little boy that misses Cherese a tremendous
amount. I would give anything to have her back here safe with me,
with her family and with her friends.
Although I have been surrounded by friends and family members
(which I am grateful for), I feel alone without her and I’m
petrified.
For those of you who have read my column in the past, you know I
like to stay away from serious issues, and I like to joke around
quite a bit. In this time, I can think of nothing funny to say. In
the future, I will make a tremendous effort to make people laugh
with my writing, but I won’t be doing it without a large part of
Cherese in my heart.
She was one of my biggest fans (whether I forced her to be or
not), and I always liked to make her smile. I sent her my column
during her trip, and she wrote to me, "I loved your article. I’m
going to take it out and read it every day so I can have a good
laugh." In whatever way possible, I hope I can continue to make her
laugh.
Birkenstein is a UCLA alumnus, class of 1996. His column appears
on alternate Thursdays.