Wednesday, April 17, 1996
Real men always treat females with dignity and respect
The nature of society baffles me. Some things I just don’t
understand. I mean, they just don’t make any sense. Try as I might,
I cannot grasp the truth behind many things that characterize our
existence here in America.
For example, why was a 7-year-old girl flying a plane in stormy
weather? Hello? At seven years of age, I was playing with Hot
Wheels and watching the "Muppet Show." And why do people just cross
the street without looking? Don’t they know my car is bigger than
their behinds, and that if they get hit, they might die?
Why do most people who are pro-Proposition 187 forget that they
weren’t exactly legal immigrants themselves? How many people asked
Native Americans if it was all right if they moved in, stole all
their resources, destroyed their villages and annihilated their
populations?
Do you get what I’m saying? Life doesn’t make any sense. But
what puzzles me the most is, why don’t women exercise the power
they have so they can stop being disrespected by men?
The other night, I was over at my friend’s house. She has a
2-year-old son, and she manages her responsibilities quite
successfully. Anyway, we started talking about women and men and
the nature of their relationships. Forgetting how strongly I felt
about the issue, I began screaming about how women are stupid
because they always let men run over them.
I might have gone a wee bit overboard, but how many times do you
see two women on Ricki Lake fighting over some unattractive,
good-for-nothing man? How many times do you see a woman say, "He
only hit me once"? Count the times you’ve heard them say, "He may
have been with her, but he loves me." I can’t even count how many
beautiful women I’ve encountered while shopping, only to see them
dragging one or two kids behind them. And the father is where?
Oh.
Anyway, I began to tell my friend how sad it is that women allow
themselves to be dogged by men who only want them for sex. I told
her, "Women have all the power. A man can’t have sex with a woman
unless she lets him." That is to say, it’s the woman’s fault if she
gets dogged. And if she gets pregnant, it’s even worse, because she
knows that she’s the one who has to have the baby.
Well, as I ranted and raved, I began to see tears form in the
corners of her eyes. "What’s wrong?" I asked. She wouldn’t tell me.
Finally, she asked me, "Do you think I’m stupid too? That’s what
you’re saying, isn’t it?"
I felt my heart slip into my stomach. By being so insensitive
and cruel, I had made her feel like she was stupid for becoming
pregnant, stupid for being used, stupid for this, stupid for that.
But the beauty in our existence is that sometimes when things don’t
make any sense, someone or something will come along and help you
realize that there is a reason. She helped me see that the fault
cannot be totally placed on women.
I look around me. In music, everybody’s talking about being a
player. From 2Pac to Biggie Smalls, fellas are trying to be Big
Poppas. In movies like "Thin Line Between Love and Hate," men take
pleasure in being able to get with, and sleep with, any woman they
desire.
Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded with images of men as
sexual conquerors, and women as the means by which this is
achieved. And what happens is men start to believe that the proper
way is the player’s way. And relationships become a game.
I know because I’ve been there. I’ve told a woman "I love you"
when I didn’t mean it. Now I ask myself how I threw around such
precious words. Yet, men throw these words around all the time just
to "get some." Don’t we men realize that women are delicate
creatures who need to be loved and cherished  not as sexual
playthings, but as the pearls of beauty they really are? To
disrespect and deceive a woman through false words and feigned love
is one of the worst things a man can do.
I’ve deceived women, and I feel bad about it. I’ve said that
women were stupid because they "believe everything I say." If I
tell a woman how much I care about her, why shouldn’t she believe
me, if I haven’t proven otherwise? In a day and age where love and
affection are so hard to come by, why shouldn’t she put her trust
in me?
In a society where so many children are growing up in
dysfunctional homes, where love is a fantasy and there is no
attention paid to them, why shouldn’t a woman want to believe me
when I say I care? But I betrayed their trust, just like so many
other men do. I took their hearts and played with them. And now I
feel bad.
For in my friend’s tears, I saw myself. I saw the women I was
with. I saw all those times when I promised marriage, and I knew
marriage wasn’t on my mind. All those times when I said this or
said that, and I knew I didn’t mean it. Was she stupid for
believing me? No. I was stupid for trying to take advantage of a
sweet woman. I was the fool. Because I’m no better than a murderer
or thief if I have to lie, steal and cheat my way to a woman’s
heart.
I say these things because we men have to realize that it’s not
fun when somebody plays with your heart. No matter how much you
love sex, you don’t have to be dishonest to get it. The test of a
true man’s game is if he can always be honest. Even when it hurts
her, can you still be honest? Even when it hurts you, can you still
be honest? Or are you truthful as long as something is in it for
you? Or are you honest as long as it’s a means of swindling your
way to sex?
I finally had to come to a realization. I finally had to realize
that we men have a responsibility to treat women like we want to be
treated. That’s why relationships are so beautiful. I’m talking
about the relationships where there are two people in love,
sharing. Love is beautiful because true love doesn’t allow you to
be selfish; you’re always giving to the other person. Always
treating them like you want to be treated.
What does it mean when the majority of marriages end in divorce?
What does it mean when teenage pregnancies are on the rise? What
does it mean when women are constantly seeking shelters to escape
abuse from sadistic husbands? What it means is that somebody is
dropping the ball.
Yes, we can put the blame on women, or we can take
responsibility for our role, as men. Am I saying that no woman is
stupid? Oh, no. There are many foolish women who allow themselves
to be mistreated. But then there are others, with good hearts and
sincere emotions, who seek love but instead meet wolves in sheep’s
clothing.
I’m determined, from this day forward, to always uphold women in
the highest regard, not only in thought but in action. I’m
determined to accept my role as a real man, without succumbing to
the media’s portrayal of what a real man should be. Having a
thousand women dancing around me in bikinis does not make me a man.
Honesty and truth are what make real men.
So as I ponder the things in life that don’t make sense, I don’t
wonder why women are constantly allowing themselves to be
disrespected by men. I don’t worry about how they allow themselves
to be taken. But I do ponder how we men can right our wrongs, and
bring integrity and dignity back to manhood by treating women the
way we would want our mothers and sisters to be treated. Peace.
Howard is a fourth-year anthropology student. His column appears
on alternate Thursdays.