Sunday, August 11, 1996
Recently URSA strong-armed me into declaring what is
euphemistically called my "degree expected term," a.k.a. the term
in which I will graduate, a.k.a. the date on which I fling myself
into the jaws of a cruel and ravenous world. It was then I realized
that within a few short months, I will be ripped from the comforts
of collegiate life and head down the garden path to disgruntled
postal employment, pushed head long into a world peopled with
terrorists, Rush Limbaugh and Full House in syndication five nights
a week. It became clear that I needed a plan from which to draw
upon the rest of my life.
The blueprint for survival boils down to this. This majority of
the difficulty we will face in the "real world" (the world outside
of UCLA) is caused by one of two sorts of people; 1) People Who
Won’t Leave you Alone or 2) People Who Utterly Deny Your Existence.
Persons who fall into the first category include: the IRS,
telemarketers and, in certain cases, the police. Those in the
second include the Lottery Commission, the majority of your
prospective employers and Brad Pitt. Now, the crux of the plan is
simple; if we can successfully avoid the people in Category 1 and
get and keep the attention of those in Category 2, then it’ll be
smooth sailing for the rest of our natural lives. UCLA has prepared
us admirably for the undertaking; after all, if there is anything
that in abundance at UCLA, it is People Who Won’t Leave You Alone
and People Who Utterly Deny Your Existence.
Let’s review the first category. The question remains, how does
one avoid those People Who Won’t Leave You Alone? Fear not, Bruins,
the knowledge is already within you. I hypothesize that anyone who
has traversed Bruin Walk for any period of time already possesses
the skills needed to ward off unwanted attention. If a vaguely
demented looking stranger approaches you on Bruin Walk, you know
the drill: walk slowly away from them, much as you would do to
avoid a rabid dog. If said person carries a petition, walk more
swiftly, or perhaps duck behind either the nearest tree or one of
the linebackers of our football team. If, in the worst case
scenario, the approacher bears a sign advertising free hugs, as
some tend to do around finals week in these parts, run as swiftly
as your little feet will carry you. The aforementioned skills,
commonly used to avoid our very own Bruin solicitors can be used to
evade arrest, flee government agencies or avoid old and
cantankerous relatives who want you to file their bunions out.
More drastic measures are necessary to avoid the Religious
People Who Won’t Leave You Alone, a species which flourishes on our
fair campus. Personally, last year I informed one of the
aforementioned huggers that should he attempt to touch me, I would
be forced to get a restraining order. Not surprisingly, I am now
able to traverse Bruin Walk in peace, and am even able to go to
Taco Bell without being recruited to join my Christian brothers for
a Bar-B-Que extravaganza. If you are cornered by someone who wants
to help you Know God, be they the Jehovah’s Witness at your door at
dinnertime or Born Again Auntie Edna, this someone will be easily
repulsed by the news that you worship your roommate, and that
activity occupied all of your spare time. Bear in mind, however,
that making such a statement in front of said roommate is generally
considered an error in the arena of roommate relations, as it may
lead to a situation in which you are forced to perform menial tasks
 such as promising to mention her in each and every one of
your newspaper columns  for the roommate who may threaten to
release your phone number to the Christian Youth League unless you
obey her every imbecile whim!
Moving on to People Who Utterly Deny Your Existence, bear in
mind that you do not want to become a Person Who Will Not Leave The
People Who Utterly Deny Your Existence Alone. Getting these people
to notice you takes a certain amount of discretion, so act
accordingly. Remember that anyone who is oblivious to you, like the
UCLA basketball team, for example, will pay attention if you begin
to scream, "Oh God! My brain! OWWW! My brain!!," while gripping the
left side of your skull and flinging yourself onto the ground
directly in front of them, thrashing and flailing as if in intense
agony They may merely kick you to get you out of their way, but
notice you they will.
You may think that truly this is not a skill honed by many at
UCLA, that it is merely a fictional vignette I have invented to
serve my own purposes, but that would be an egregious error. As a
matter of fact, my other roommate told me that her old roommate
(before she and I were roommates  get it?) tried it on Toby
Bailey once, and she claims that, after that, he would look through
the television set and right at her every time he made a
three-pointer. She also believed that he was attempting to make
contact through mental telepathy, but that radioactive waves
released into the air by the government were making it impossible
for her to receive his signal clearly. Now, unfortunately, the only
signals she receives are courtesy of the UCLA Neuropsychiatric
Institute.
But none of these skills need be practiced to the extent that
you are institutionalized. As with all things, moderation is the
key. The important thing to remember as you abandon this training
ground for the real world and march off on your mail route, is that
there is nothing that can hurt you in the real world which you
haven’t already seen here. And if you’re lucky, some things, like
the architectural disaster that is Towell Library, you may never
have to see again.
Jessica Morgan is a fourth-year student specializing in American
studies.