By Timothy Joyce
Daily Bruin Contributor
Fellow students, there festers in our midst a sinister force
which, if left unabated, will prove to be the bane of our very
existence; this foul succubus has infiltrated all of our most
sacred institutions: religion, politics, even baseball. The very
mention of its name sends countless unwilling souls into vile
gyrations and incessant chanting.
It has brought countless powerful men and women to the depths of
endless shame and humiliation. We all know this despicable demon by
its earthly nom de plume: the Macarena.
Yes my friends, there is evil among us, and it has assumed the
ghastly configuration of an asinine dance. If I see one more
baseball park dedicate an entire night to this disgusting prance,
or one more politician or other VIP embarrassed into performing
this ridiculous step ritual by a smarmy, snot-nosed little moppet,
or one more group of drunken frat brothers outside on their front
lawn hoofing it to this vomit-inducing song, I will be forced to
take drastic matters to rid the world of this malicious
satanism.
I propose that we practice zero-tolerance when dealing with this
wickedness which has the audacity to call itself a dance. If you
agree, then take the following steps to help me eradicate this
dangerous menace from the planet:
1. REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE WHEN OTHERS AROUND YOU ARE DOING THAT
HORRID DANCE: of course, you will be called a "party-pooper," or a
"stupid nerd" by your peers, but who said taking a stand was
easy?
2. IF YOU SEE A FRIEND "DOING THE MACARENA," DO THEM A FAVOR AND
CUT OFF THEIR LEGS: believe me, they’ll thank you later.
3. IF YOU ARE IN THE VICINITY OF A RADIO PLAYING THAT WRETCHED
SONG, TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER AND SMASH IT TO MICROBITS: one little tip
for this one: after you do the deed, run like Hades.
OK, it is almost time to step down from my soapbox. In closing,
I would like to say that I am not alone; there are others who are
sick and tired of this sickening trend. So the next time you decide
to "do the Macarena," look behind you. If you see someone standing
behind you with a sharpened machete, I know my rantings have not
fallen on deaf ears.