Katherine Tom is a fifth-year English student.
By Katherine Tom
People act silly when they’re drunk. I consider myself somewhat
of an expert on this subject, having spent extensive periods of
time being both silly and drunk (usually the former and constantly
the latter). So it makes sense to have a set of rules, established
beforehand, in order to minimize the silliness factor of
drunkenness (not that this is always desirable, but once in a while
it is useful).
I have, over the years, devised my own set of guidelines for
appropriate behavior while intoxicated, and although my friends and
acquaintances still seem to think I act like a total moron when
drunk, only I know how many times I have refrained from acting on
my naturally moronic impulses.
While the old standbys "don’t drink and drive" and "use a
condom" still apply, my guidelines address the more esoteric
aspects of behavior, like when and where to puke. So without
further ado, Katherine’s top 10 drinking rules:
1. On Scamming: Proceed with caution; the natural impulse is to
hook up with everyone and everything in sight. Once the infamous
beer goggles set in, you may find yourself incapable of
distinguishing the cute guy/girl in the corner from the sofa.
Sometimes it is helpful to bring a lot of friends along, even if
they have different taste than you do. Especially if they have
different taste than you do (think ahead  a big brawl with
your best friend over a potential one night stand is not a good
thing).
The only drawback to using your friends as "skank patrol" is
that if they’re any fun whatsoever, when you most need their
services, they will be passed out on the front lawn with various
obscenities scrawled on their naked bodies in permanent pen. Either
that or you’ll end up with one or more of your friends, thereby
eliminating their purpose as "skank patrol" (This brings to mind an
interesting quandary. If you’ve promised your friend you won’t let
them get together with anyone gross, and yet as far as you know,
they have little or no interest in you … is it then your
responsibility to stop them, warning them that you are in effect,
gross and skanky?).
If you’re braving the gauntlet solo, be sure to beware of the
"crust factor." This is the theory stating that the friendliness
associated with the initial or "buzzed" state of drunkenness is
seen as an open invitation for crusty people of all persuasions to
attach themselves to you.
Discourage them early on before you pass through the "beer
goggle" stage straight into the "loss of coherent thought" and
"blind desperation" stages. Otherwise you might do something you
regret for the rest of your existence and on into the next life.
Which brings us to rule No.2 …
2. On Sex While Inebriated: Our biology plays a cruel joke on us
 alcohol makes most people unbearably horny, simultaneously
causing us to lose almost all sensation in our genitals. This
inevitably leads to bad, awkward sex which lasts for about 15
minutes, after which both parties vomit and pass out for 15
hours.
Often during drunken sex, people find themselves incapable of
recognizing or finding vital sexual organs. Foreplay is reduced to
incompetent drunken groping, which would probably be painful if you
weren’t two beers away from unconsciousness.
But the prospect of bad sex, terrifying enough in itself, is
greatly overshadowed by the potential for unsafe sex. So try try
try to bring a condom with you when you plan on drinking. Because
you won’t want to bother finding one once you’re drunk. And since
your judgment is hazy to begin with, you might decide to take the
jump.
And you don’t want to risk your life for bad sex. You really
don’t.
And one more note of warning  make sure the penis is fully
erect when using a condom. If the man/men involved in the encounter
is drunk, he may not be at full mast.
Check. Use tact.
"Is that all?" is not considered sensitive or appropriate.
Neither is collapsing in a fit of giggling. Additionally, it is
neither polite nor graceful to yell down the hall, "Julie! You
gotta see this! He’s a freak!"
Remember that Mr. Stiffy has feelings too, and if you hurt them,
you might not be getting any that night. At least not from that
particular guy. Guys, try to remember that phrases like "You have
great tits," and "You fuck a lot better than my girlfriend does,"
are not considered compliments by most women.
3. On Choosing Where to Sleep: This may not seem like a big
issue, but it is in fact a decision plagued with hidden pitfalls.
Try to avoid pools of vomit and other less identifiable liquids.
Stay clear of areas with heavy traffic. When you’re drunk, the
staircase invariably appears to be the most comfortable place to
fall asleep.
But before you snuggle up against the banister, inviting dozens
of other drunken idiots to kick and trip over your slumbering body,
ask yourself this simple question: "How often do I sleep on the
staircase when I’m sober?" Above all, aim for comfort. Even though
it doesn’t make a bit of difference to you at the time, your body
will feel the difference between the sofa and the floor in the
morning.
If you sleep at a friend’s place, make sure their intentions are
honorable. You may find that you simply don’t have the energy (or
inclination) to fend off your horny big bro’s advances(this goes
for you guys too).
When beer-bonging, keg-standing or shotgunning, DON’T LAUGH.
Beer up the nose is no fun.
4. On Puking: If your stomach feels weird at all, you might
puke. Even if you’re not a "puker," there’s a first time for
everything. If you think you’re going to spew, try to pick a nice
place. The toilet for example, a garbage can or some place
outdoors.
If you go to sleep feeling funny, keep a receptacle by the bed.
This is very important and takes about two seconds. Cleaning puke
off your blankets and floor takes considerably longer. If you’re in
a loft or a top bunk, you’re screwed. Try to wrangle a normal bed.
Or sleep on the sofa.
Sleeping on the puke-free floor is still infinitely better than
waking up in your formerly comfy bed covered in your own chunkage.
Pardon my imagery.
Keep in mind that puking is not necessarily a bad thing. In
fact, if you are feeling really dizzy and weird, like you might
pass out, you might want to stick your finger down your throat.
You’ll immediately feel a lot better. You will suddenly be capable
of drinking more.
Similarly, if you feel sick to your stomach, you might as well
make yourself throw up right away. Don’t wait for it to happen
naturally. You might not make it to the bathroom in time.
5. On Finances and Decision Making: Bars are big rip-offs.
Economize. Pre-party. Don’t bring more than a 20-dollar bill with
you. No credit cards, or before you know it, you’ll be buying your
buddies and the nice people you met in the booth next to yours
rounds of drinks, even after passing out on your way to the
bathroom.
Don’t make any major decisions while intoxicated. There is
something about being drunk which makes you want to embark
immediately on epic road trips. If this urge is not controlled, you
may find yourself hitting every bar between Tijuana and Cabo in an
uninsured rental car, on the quickest route to an overdrawn
checking account. It could be days before judgment is regained, by
which time state troopers have lined up on the U.S./Mexican border,
looking for a car thief that eerily matches your description.
6. On Inappropriate Drunken Activities: Besides driving, there
are a number of other activities which should be assiduously
avoided by any but the foolhardy and reckless. This includes, but
is not limited to: skiing, woodworking, applying lipstick, cutting
hair and performing surgery.
Despite popular belief, drinking and studying do mix. Invent
your own drinking game: for every chapter (or page) you finish,
drink a beer. Every night is a drinking night, and it’s never too
soon to start celebrating (or attempting to forget) the results of
your midterm. Picture your dead and finals weeks as a fortnight of
binging and decadence and be pleasantly surprised when suddenly,
instead of dreading the end of every quarter, you find yourself
eagerly anticipating it.
Watch in wonder as stress miraculously disappears from your
vocabulary and you become the "happy drunkard."
Drink lots of water before bed.
7. On Drinking More (too much is often too much): One of the
beauties of being drunk is its perfectly cyclical nature. The more
you drink, the more drunk you get; the more drunk you get, the more
you want to drink. But one must be careful and not get carried away
with the Zen perfection of this cycle; or one may find oneself
spiraling quickly into alcohol poisoning. (hint: turning blue is
bad). Remember, losing sensation in your feet and hands is not
uncommon. Not being able to tell whether or not "it’s in yet" is
also somewhat normal. Not recognizing the fact that you are
bleeding copiously from a particularly rowdy bar fight or really
kinky sex is out of the ordinary. Moderation is not a word that I
use very often, but when I use it, I mean it. Moderation. Learn
when to "just say no."
8. On Mixing: Many people fear mixing. They think it leads to
puking. People who laugh fearlessly in the face of death, will
religiously follow the mantra, "beer then liquor, never sicker;
liquor then beer, you’re in the clear." This is all bullshit. If
you drink too much you may puke, if you eat a big meal before
drinking, you may puke. Sucking back a few Keystones before you do
shots is not an instant ticket to the porcelain altar.
And reversing the order is not a guarantee that you’ll go
through the evening vomit-free. Fear of mixing is nothing but
superstition (except when cheap champagne is involved, in which
case a painful and agonizing death is not entirely out of the
question).
Alcohol in any form works nicely with Mini-thins (available at
the Country Store and most 7-Elevens), forming one of the nicest
completely legal (for now) highs known to mankind. Mixing alcohol
with pot will probably leave you immobile and mute, staring at the
wall. You probably won’t notice the effects of alcohol when you’re
dosing, but your friends will be happy to tell you all about it the
next day. Alcohol with Codeine or Vicodin (or any other
prescription painkiller you can get your hands on) is a very
relaxing combo, guaranteed to make you happy, with the possible
side effect of a two-day nap. For a long time, alcohol and No-Doz
was my combo of choice  allowing me maximum drinking time
before the inevitable crash (speed doesn’t count because you’re too
fucked up and nervous to enjoy your drunkenness).
9. On Dramatic Confessions (my personal forte): Something about
drinking a lot makes people (especially girls) burst out with
embarrassingly personal statements, followed by hysterical tears.
Try to avoid this. Think to yourself, "how drunk is the person I’m
addressing?" If his/her eyes are still open and his/her mouth is
closed, bad idea. Vice versa, go for it.
Also, try to keep in mind the question, "how does this look to
the sober people?"
You don’t want to attend future parties only to find that people
are pointing at you and whispering. Don’t tell the person you’ve
been dating for a week that you love them. Don’t tell your
boy/girlfriend about that time you cheated on them. Don’t break
down sobbing during the slow dance, explaining to your partner, who
you met exactly 12 minutes ago, that this was your song with your
ex. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.
Upside-down margaritas and sake bombs are Satan’s tools. Be
afraid. Be very afraid.
10. On remembering to pee: Often, when you’re drunk, small
things slip your mind. This forgetfulness, paired with the
previously mentioned "genital numbness" conspire to make one forget
the importance of regular visits to the bathroom. The need to
urinate sneaks up on the best of us. Here is my dramatic
re-enactment of what happens in your stomach:
Beer #1: Gee, It’s kinda lonely down here. Beer #2: Heads up!
Hey, how are you doing? Beer #1: Not bad, yourself? Beer #2: I’m
okay. Let’s hang out a bit, I think a buddy of ours is on his way.
Margarita: hey guys, I’m here! Beer #1: All right! Want to ditch
this place? Margarita: Hang on, we’ve got another visitor. Beer #3:
Whew, I finally made it. Ready guys? All: Let’s go! Whereupon, they
simultaneously head towards your bladder, all four rushing madly to
be the first to arrive.
And there you are, innocently thinking that you spaced your
drinks effectively, when suddenly you’re hit with the urge to pee
immediately.
A special note for girls  if you feel even the slightest
twinge of pee potential, run to the bathroom, where you will be
greeted by the sight of numerous girls, standing in line, squirming
uncomfortably.
A strange phenomenon occurs at all parties and bars, where an
unnaturally large grouping of women in tight jeans and bodysuits
all drink diuretic beverages and then discover concurrently that
there is only one filthy rat-infested stall in the whole
building.
Plan to spend the majority of your evening in the resulting
line.
Happy drinking!