Kris Henry is a student at the University of Minnesota, where
her column appears every Tuesday.
By Kris Henry
When I first heard that a woman fired a shot into the ceiling of
University President Nils Hasselmo’s office, my initial thought
was, "What a fruit loop."
But as the summer drew to a close, I started thinking about all
the bureaucratic obstacles at the university that we students face
in the name of obtaining a higher education. My attitude toward
this woman shifted to, "Right on, sister!"
For those of you who haven’t been following along: About six
years ago, Jennifer Joan May, then a secretary in the chemistry
department, apparently had an affair with her boss, Ron Gentry. He
later reconciled with his estranged wife and in May she filed a
sexual harassment suit against him. He, in turn, filed a
restraining order against her  yadda yadda yadda, your
typical love story.
But this tawdry tale came to a climax in June when the woman
went to Hasselmo’s office, demanded to see the president and fired
a gun when she didn’t get her way.
So, while the prosecution prepares its case and May claims
mental illness as a defense, I’m thinking maybe she’s onto
something.
Wouldn’t the university be a lot more "user friendly" (gag) if
students packed pistols?
Gone would be the headaches of trying to register for those
classes that are never open. Magic number? "I got your magic number
right here, pallie," you’d say as you reach into your jacket for
your piece. "It’s .357. As in, Magnum." Right you are, my friend,
enjoy your class.
Trips to the university bookstores would no longer find you bent
over cheek-to-cheek with others who are also looking for that
100-pound textbook with a million-dollar price tag.
"Everybody on the floor," you announce after firing a shot in
the air. "Just let me get my copy of ‘House on Mango Street’ and no
one will get hurt" (Who’s the bonehead that designed those
inch-wide aisles anyway?).
Ah, the possibilities are endless.
Librarians at the check-out counter, once they get a glimpse of
your heat, suddenly don’t care that you have a hold on your record.
Counselors in the advising office mysteriously find openings in
their calendars and are happy to meet with you at your convenience.
Staff members at the financial aid office finally realize you have
better things to do than wait in line for three hours just to find
out your check has been misplaced.
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Of course, it’s just my little
fantasy; I’m not actually advocating guns at the university (So
save the moronic letters extolling the obvious evils of firearms
 I agree with you).
But what’s a student to do? When you get bad service at a store
you can simply stop shopping there. I don’t think the threat,"Oh,
yeah? Well I’m just going to go register somewhere else!" would
carry much weight at the university.
Obviously most of us are here because we either didn’t have the
grades to get in anywhere else or we couldn’t afford the tuition at
other colleges.
We’re trapped.
To give you a glimpse of how the other side lives, listen to my
friend’s experience at the College of St. Catherine.
After graduating from our beloved institution, she decided to go
to nursing school at St. Kate’s. All the prerequisite classes she
needed were filled, but her adviser said, "No problem, I’ll make
some calls." Boom, she’s in. Next, she screwed up and missed the
first two days of school. Again, it’s no big deal, the professors
let her stay.
Imagine what she would have gone through had that happened at
the university  red tape a-go-go.
But here we are, sans guns or the threat of transferring
somewhere else. All you can do  unless you’re lucky enough to
claim a history of mental illness  is arm yourself with
determination, Prozac and plenty of expletives.