Thursday, October 10, 1996
FINANCE:
Providing free advice on how to avoid UCLA’s high expensesHello,
UCLA! Yes, it is Thursday, not Friday, but fret no more. Forget
your troubles for a moment, and join me as we set forth on a
magical journey through the pages of today’s Viewpoint section
…
I’d like to begin my column this week by briefly acknowledging
the Daily Bruin copy department, who two weeks ago mutilated my
title and in so doing, rendered much of my column nonsensical. I’m
sure you all remember the title well: "Community theme stirs
first-year memories." A lovely title, and one I’m sure you all
enjoyed, but not the title I intended.
It was supposed to be "Put your head between your knees and kiss
your ass good-bye", which actually (gasp!) had something to do with
the rest of the column.
Lucky for me, someone in the copy department knew more about my
article than I, so they changed my title. I promised myself I
wouldn’t be bitter (that’s what the other nine viewpoint columnists
are for) but they just pissed me off.
I’m not even going to pretend that I know what the headline over
this column is; they’ll probably print "Skinny white jackass writes
unfunny column," but that’s what I get for publicly humiliating
them.
OK, I feel better now. Despite my headline’s probable lack of
relation to this topic, the purpose of today’s column is to
instruct our student body (that’s you, the reader) on how they can
attend UCLA without paying those silly regents (or ASUCLA) a dime.
I provide this information at no charge, as a service to the UCLA
community. Why? Because I love each and every one of you (I can say
that because I know with some degree of certainty that the only
people who read my column are close family members to whom I mail
copies of The Bruin).
I’m sure by now you’re asking yourself,"How can I possibly
attend UCLA for free? And what’s the matter with that guy’s
nose?"
I will gladly address that first question shortly, but as for my
nose, I personally don’t think that’s any of your business. That’s
how God made me (er, I mean, that’s how my nose evolved) and if you
don’t like it, then take it up with Him (Or Charles Darwin).
So, how DO you go about attending this lovely university for
free? There are a number of expenses to consider, but lucky for
you, the reader, I have given much thought to each possible area of
expense and have a solution (or solutions) for each.
BOOKS: OK, so say you’re one of those people who actually buys
books for your classes (personally, it’s something I’d recommend).
If you don’t buy your books, then go ahead and skip to the section
entitled LIVING because you’ve already got this one handled. If
you’re still reading, that’s because you usually buy books for your
classes and you want to know how to get around it (Either that, or
you just love my column so much that you read every word, whether
it pertains to you or not.).
In order to get your books for FREE, follow this simple formula.
Take any major credit card (if you don’t have a credit card, I can
think of six or seven million places on campus where you can get
one  see FOOD) and go to the bookstore.
Pick up all the books you need for the classes you enrolled in,
and put them on your credit card. DO NOT use Bruin Gold. It screws
up the plan, and I just hate Bruin Gold (but we’ll deal with the
scam that is Bruin Gold in a later column).
After you have "paid" for your books, take them to the James
West Alumni Center, where any UCLA Alumni Scholar can make FREE
photocopies (Of course, if you’re actually an Alumni Scholar, then
you already know how to attend UCLA for free, so you probably
aren’t reading this, unless you’re one of those aforementioned
relatives of mine).
So you aren’t an Alumni Scholar. You have a few choices. 1) Put
on something nice and try to look like an Alumni Scholar. Hope no
one asks you any questions. 2) Make friends with an Alumni Scholar.
3) Threaten an Alumni Scholar with the beating of his or her Alumni
Scholar life (Just for the record, No. 3 is a last resort which I
do not condone. Especially since I weigh about as much as Kerri
Strug.). After you have successfully photocopied all of your books
for FREE, return them to the Plaza Building (soon to be the Arthur
Ashe clock tower building) for a full refund.
LIVING: On the odd chance that your friends don’t want you
staying in their apartment for free, you have other options. I
would personally recommend sleeping on a couch in any one of the
floor lounges (or lobbies) in the dorms. These couches are provided
FREE of charge, and people fall asleep on them so much that chances
are, no one would ever notice you. If anyone does happen to notice
you, just change floors (or dorms). If dorm couches aren’t to your
liking, you can always sleep in one of the study lounges on campus
(those lounges seem to serve primarily as hotels anyway).
FOOD: OK. By now you know how to live for FREE and get your
books for FREE.
But let’s say you want to eat.
What to do? Stealing food from the dorms probably isn’t the best
idea, and that food sucks anyway. Luckily there is a wealth of FREE
food available on and around campus.
For instance, let’s say you’re applying for a credit card so you
can "buy" your books. Simply choose Kit Kats or M&M’s as your
FREE gift, and you have a tasty treat at no charge. Repeat this
step whenever you are on campus and you get hungry.
If for some reason you’re under the impression that you can’t
survive on Kit Kats and M&M’s, why not stop by the Chabad House
some Friday night for a FREE kosher meal? (This may require a
conversion, but what price food?)
PARKING: Even with the advent of Bruin Park Plus (which I’m sure
will solve all the parking problems on campus), last time I
checked, parking around here cost money. The solution? Park on
Gayley, or Kelton, or Landfair, or Midvale or any of the other
abandoned-furniture laden streets in the village.
This will not only provide you with a FREE parking space, but it
will keep you on your toes (since most everyplace in Westwood is
conveniently tagged as two hour parking). Having your car handy can
also be beneficial if you can’t find a place to sleep in the
dorms.
NOTES: Lecture notes cost money, as do those pretty little UCLA
spiral notebooks from the student store. Again, you have a few
options here. 1) Just don’t take notes, or 2) Enroll only in
classes that have lecture notes available from the front desk in
one of the dorms. Check out the lecture notes, and repeat the James
West Alumni Center step (see BOOKS).
REG FEES: Here we encounter the one major flaw in my master
plan.
I haven’t worked out one definite strategy for getting around
the payment of reg fees, but I have a few ideas.
Of course, you can always attend classes without actually being
enrolled in them. You won’t receive any credit (or a diploma), but
you will gain the same knowledge as the enrolled students (and
isn’t that what we’re all really here for?). But if you’re really
attached to your reg card, I’d suggest trying one of the
following:
1) Simply land yourself one of those nifty Alumni Scholarships
(Millions of dollars in scholarship money go unclaimed every year,
right? How hard could it be?).
2) Try out for one of UCLA’s many NCAA athletic teams (like the
1995 NCAA Champion Men’s Basketball Team) and get a scholarship
(Come on, you mean Bob Meyers has more game than you?).
3) Or, if you don’t mind signing away years of your life and
being referred to as a
"No-Good-Piece-of-Shit-Slimy-Maggot-Motherfucker," you can join
ROTC.
There. Now you are free to enjoy your college experience without
the burden of financial concerns. You’re welcome. And on the odd
chance that you’re looking for something to do with all of your new
found wealth, I’d recommend donating it to the Daily Bruin
Viewpoint department (I hear their columnists are all
volunteers).
Justin Horey is a third-year psychology student.