Tuesday, November 5, 1996
UCLA:
Elections inspire thoughts on intriguing issues around
UCLAAhhhhh, the long awaited election day has dawned upon us yet
again.
And yes, I too am caught up in decision making as our nation
exercises its hard earned right to vote. And as I make dutiful
decisions as to which propositions to nix (209!) and which to
endorse, I am sure that all of my faithful and civically inclined
readers are doing the same. Yet, as with all momentous occasions my
attention is diverted to more important issues which plague my
existence. Politics isn’t just a battle fought in the hourly motel
room or falling off stages anymore. It exists all around us.
1. Last Thursday some friends and I hauled ass over to The UCLA
Store to take advantage of the maniacal 25 percent off savings
offered by ASUCLA for Halloween. While I was busy trying to save a
place in line, pinch unsuspecting freshmen’s behinds, and shop for
the latest gear, I happened to notice the smallest little sign in
the corner of the room that read "Bearwear."
Interesting, I thought. Does Notre Dame sell Fighting British
Wear? Does UNLV sell Runnin’ Razorback Wear? Then why in the hell
are we selling Bearwear? Last time I checked Cal were the Bears and
we were the Bruins. ASUCLA has made some amazing (flag on the play)
calls this past year; steroid Joe Bruin, then droopy eyed "I’m a
hooker after a long nights work" Josephine, and now continuing to
use "Bearwear" to sell its merchandise. Hey guys, lets consider
using "BruinGear," "BruinStuff," or even "BruinCrap," I don’t
care.
Just as long as there isn’t a "Bear" anywhere in sight. Even our
football team agrees  Bears need to get beat down.
2. I love the smell of Nacho Bellgrande in the morning! Taco
Bell: an institution here on campus. One of the few players in
corporate America brave enough to set up camp on the UCLA campus
(well, there is Panda Express, but I think that they are still
trying to gain FDA approval as we speak). Students, faculty, staff,
even squirrels love Taco Bell and the comida, comida, comida they
provide for us each and every day.
But, still I am confused. Taco Bell is neither a Taco nor a
Bell. Except on the hip and ever so attention grabbing packaging,
there are no Bells to be found anywhere around the many Taco Bell
establishments. Maybe they should get one to warn the patrons of
the radioactive sludge they are ingesting. I hear that the UCLA
Bruin Belles are going to stand in the doorway to take care of the
underrepresented Bell issue.
And what about the Taco portion of this dilemma? I’ve seen those
boxes of imported meat stamped "Fit for human consumption." I know
the sour cream comes from only the finest cows with Mad Cow
Disease. And would you like some taco with your head of lettuce? I
am a firm believer that all Taco Bell employees should go to
mandatory "How to roll a burrito" training before beginning their
employment so all of the ingredients don’t fall on to my shoe.
Unlike ASUCLA, Taco Bell has no room to change their name, but you,
as the conscientious buyer, should at the very least be aware that
one can’t advertise for something that they don’t plan on
delivering.
3. And now on to USAC. For those of you who are the dedicated,
stipend earning students involved in the "political" side of
college life, please remember that I am just an amateur comedian
and mean you no harm.
But, for the rest of us, what the hell is it that you do? Once a
year I am accosted by the 10-foot tall signs disfiguring many of
the familiar products I know and love, as well as people mauling me
on Bruin Walk to cast my ballot for people I don’t know. I also
find it interesting that, as a relatively ethnic looking
individual, when election time rolls around one political party
will trample 16 people and kick a dog to hand me a flyer while the
other doesn’t bother to sniff in my direction. Hmmmmmmmmm. And why
don’t we get the personal dirt on these candidates like in our
national elections?
Believe me, there is nothing that would motivate me to vote more
than knowing which candidate slept naked in the breast of the full
figured statue in the sculpture garden. Maybe USAC should come up
with an External Relations position dedicated to expounding on the
personal trials and tribulations of our elected officials. I know
that I would pay more attention to the underbelly of USUC, oops I
mean USAC.
4. I have many midterms staring me in the face and all I want to
do until 2 o’clock in the morning is cram five weeks’ worth of
class into one night. Hey, why don’t I trek my behind to Night
Powell for some intensive studying? Just as the library is closing,
some officious looking CSO starts yelling for everyone to pull out
their IDs and reg cards so that they can continue to study in Night
Powell for the remainder of the evening. How retarded is that?
Do you think that I plan on stealing the bolted down plastic
lamps? Or maybe I want to supplement my stereo system with those
fly tape players in the back. And by the way, why is it that
everyone has to suddenly get sniffling allergies when studying?
Thanks for the loogie on my book buddy. Why don’t you go to the
bathroom to blow your nose, dammit.
Oh, and please don’t fart in the thousand degree room and then
get up leaving your putrid stench behind. I’m going to use my foot
to plug your ass up, punk.
So there you have it folks. Another glimpse into the questions
that I ask myself each and every day. Take the time to look into
the world around you and question where you are at and where you
are going. Also, don’t forget that like the many problems facing
this campus, you have the power to vote and change the problems
facing our nation. Your vote DOES make the difference. This is
Robin Aguilar signing off. And remember, if you pick it it won’t
heal.
Robin Aguilar