Thursday, November 7, 1996
POLITICS:
A survey of the lesser-known groups on campus
"It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever."
 David St. Hubbins, Spinal Tap
Ah, yes indeed it is. And anyone who has ever read one of my
columns knows that I do my best to constantly tread that line. (I
can read the letters to the editor already: "Yeah, there’s a fine
line between stupid and clever, but Justin Horey’s columns stray
far from that line. The guy’s an idiot!") So there. If you thought
I was providing you with material to use against me, I beat you to
it. (Ha!)
Before I begin my column today, I’d like to take a brief moment
to apologize to anyone who actually expected my column to run on
Monday this week (like it was supposed to). Due to the Bruin’s
strictly partisan election supplement (and an anonymous Viewpoint
columnist’s poorly timed run-in with the law) my column for this
week got bumped to Thursday. (I guess when you refer to yourself as
a "skinny white jackass," people think they can push you around.)
As always, address your complaints to Geoff Martin and Stephanie
Pfeffer, Viewpoint editors.
As I mentioned before, this column was scheduled to run on
Monday of sixth week, which officially marked the beginning of the
second half of the quarter. I was tempted to celebrate that
landmark occasion by writing my column using only half words, but I
rejected that idea, as it was determined that a column containing
only half words would pose serious challenges for the reader
(that’s you). Imag ho ha iÂwou bÂ
t re m colu i I wro iÂ
usi on ha worÂ!!! As much as I enjoyed the
idea of a half-word column, I decided against it out of concern for
you and your emotional well-being. (I’ve got to be the most caring
Viewpoint columnist alive.)
The half-word column idea rejected, I set forth on a journey
through my own mind, searching for an appropriate topic. Since
Tuesday was election day, I figured that this would be as good a
time as any to offer some political advice to our campus. (Did I
mention that this column was supposed to run BEFORE the election?)
I normally keep as far away from politics as is humanly possible in
my columns, but if I am going to provide any kind of valuable
service to our campus (as is my commitment to you), then I simply
cannot leave this issue unaddressed.
"What could this issue be?" you ask. "It has come to my
attention recently that many people on and around our campus STILL
do not affiliate themselves with some sort of special interest
group," I answer. And if you ask me, you can NEVER have too many
special interest groups (without them, the only massive gatherings
in Westwood Plaza at noon would be for concerts). With that in
mind, I have compiled here a list of lesser-known clubs and special
interest groups with which you may wish to become affiliated. All
of these groups transcend social boundaries in an effort to unify
UCLA students who have common interests. And as always, this
information is provided FREE of charge. It is my sincere hope that
somewhere in this list you can find a group that touches you in a
special way (but not in any way that you wouldn’t want to be
touched  I left those groups out).
Bruin Walk Chalkers Anonymous: This group brings together people
from all walks of life who believe that the only way to promote
their events (or wish their friends a happy birthday) is to take
chalk in hand in the middle of the night and make Bruin Walk their
own personal events calendar. Current members of Bruin Walk
Chalkers Anonymous include the sisters of Kappa Delta and the
Student Committee to Stop Proposition 209 (otherwise known as
USAC).
People Who Force Their Way Into Crowded Lecture Halls Before the
Previous Class Has Had A Chance To Get Out: This group’s first
order of business is to find a catchier name, but one which still
encompasses their mission. Members of this group are mostly from
the pre-med genre, but others are always welcome. This group meets
in Moore 100 immediately following the Bruin Walk Chalkers, so I’d
recommend getting there early.
New Joe Bruin Fan Club: Despite my own personal efforts to
eliminate New Joe, he remains a powerful force on our campus.
Activities of this group include working out extensively, shrinking
their heads and scaring small children.
People Who Bring Really Foul Smelling Food From Taco Bell Into 9
a.m. Lectures: This group includes many people from the "People Who
Force Their Way …" group. As a member of this group, you are
required to bring the worst-smelling food possible to class (and
that class MUST meet in the morning). Members of this special
interest group are also encouraged to leave lecture 10 minutes
early and to make as much noise as possible in so doing.
Nor Cal Students Support Group: This is a "hella" popular
group.
Topics of discussion at this group’s meetings include "The
Raiders: They were OUR damn team in the first place" and "Why don’t
you get your own water, you desert-dwelling bastards!"
Students For a Pedestrian-Free Campus: This group is comprised
of our bicycle-riding Bruins, who say, "I don’t care if 99 percent
of the people on this campus walk  I’m riding my bike down
Bruin Walk, and if you get run over it’s your own damn fault!"
Campus Endowment for the Bathroom Arts: This is the group for
you if you are one of many talented Bruins who believe that no
stall is complete without a four-letter word or a homophobic or
racist reference. I, for one, cannot express my gratitude enough to
this group. Keep up the good work, guys!
Association of People Who Couldn’t Tell That I Was Being
Sarcastic About Appreciating "Bathroom Art": This one’s pretty
self-explanatory, but I felt a need to include it as a small
disclaimer and to prevent myself from having to answer hundreds of
angry letters. It’s a joke, everybody! Come on.
So there you have it. If you couldn’t find yourself a group on
that list, then I’m sorry, but you’re just a freak. If for some
reason you have difficulty getting in touch with any of the groups
listed above, feel free to e-mail (not me, but) Jake Sexton for
more information. His column (and his e-mail address) will run next
Tuesday in Viewpoint.