Wednesday, November 27, 1996
SEX:
Rules to live by for successful macking and one-night stands
How do you get laid at UCLA? This is a question that plagues all
students at one time or another. The game of macking is always on
in the party scene. You don’t have to party or drink to participate
 this is a game for all who choose to indulge. There are few
rules for the players, so in the interest of you, the Lusty
Viewpoint reader, I have compiled some helpful categories and hints
about macking and one-night stands. Why should you listen to me?
Well, let’s just say that I have had more than my share of random
experiences here at UCLA.
All right  it’s (insert day), and you’re hornier than
heck. You’re in dire need of some action to relieve academic stress
and fatigue. Follow these simple steps to instant sexual
gratification. Assemble a small group of friends of the same sex.
This avoids the problem of potential mack partners having to figure
out if anyone is dating anyone in a mixed group. Unless, of course,
your group of friends are as incestuous as mine, in which case you
want to skip this step and move right into the group orgy step.
#2 HOOCHIE MAMAS:
Once you know who’s going, it’s time to get ready. A serious
Mack knows that first impressions are key to getting some play, so
it is imperative to go all out. For women this means dressing as
suggestively as possible. You don’t want to appear too cheap, but
some good ‘ol T&A (remember, this is a Fredericks of Hollywood
night, so leave the Victoria’s Secret for a time when you know your
sexy lingerie won’t have beer spilled on it and then be lost in
some guy’s bed) never hurts. Short dresses are great for easy
access, but the beginner may want to stick to tight jeans and a
short top (these are excellent for giving the novice an air of
innocence). Keep make-up to a minimum since it will all come off
anyway once things heat up. I recommend applying glitter to any
part of the body  it is a great topic for wasted guys to talk
about and has excellent staying power through any activity. For
men, my advice is to dress somewhat normally. Jeans and a shirt
will do, and if you’re in a fraternity, you could wear one of the
obnoxious Hawaiian shirts that are a staple of your wardrobe.
#3 PRE-PARTY:
This step is optional, depending upon your personality. A
connoisseur of the game will little regret the next day if they
were sober and exercised keen judgment. Not everyone can do that,
because, believe me, it takes a great deal of practice to be so
calculating. Ideally, you should consume up to three drinks and
smoke one to two bowls before you go out. This ensures that you
have a good time, whether or not your mack is successful. A few
words of caution  don’t get too sloppy or you won’t make it
out the door. One of my friends learned that the hard way last
year; six shots in 15 minutes rendered her passed out as everyone
left to go out. Before you start drinking is also the best time to
implement the buddy system for the night.
#4 THE PARTY:
OK, you’re there, now what do you do? Dancing is the easiest way
to hook up. Think about it  tons of gyrating bodies squeezed
into a tight space dancing to Snoop’s infamous lyrics. Now is your
chance  you can either wait for the hottie to notice you, or
you can chug the rest of your Keystone Light and make your move.
The most empowering night of my life was during my senior year of
high school when visiting a friend here at UCLA. She took me to a
fraternity party where I instantly noticed HIM. He seemed somewhat
disinterested in the party, but I made my way over and started
dancing with him. Outcome? Successful mack.
#5 BEER GOGGLES:
Alcohol works in everyone’s favor during the sacking process
because it makes everyone seem attractive. Beware of getting sloppy
drunk, however, because you could regret your choice the morning
after. My roommate recently stumbled in with her man of the night,
but she was so drunk that she forgot he was still in her bed after
she took a break to use the bathroom. Needless to say, she was less
than thrilled the next day.
#6 LOCATION:
Once you’ve found your respective partner you must decide
whether to stay at the party or move on. Low-key macking is fine on
the dance floor, but when hands disappear and moaning becomes
audible, it is a good idea to find a different location. A room
with a bed and no roommates is ideal (or just make sure that any
roommates are passed out, as somebody I was once with forgot to
do), but if not, you can always try the great outdoors. At freshman
orientation I learned that the grass on the side of Gayley can be
good, until the sprinklers go on and you have to scramble to find
your underwear. Two of my incestuous friends recently got some
numerical play on the grass in Saxon suites, but they think that
people were watching them, so that might not be the best place to
get it on. NOTE: the basements of each of the residence halls
provide mattresses, a private environment, and stairs free of
charge for the daring.
#7 WALK OF SHAME:
One-night stands happen. The sex can be great (see #4 successful
mack), or it can last for two minutes and the only thing you
remember afterwards is when you fall off the bed due to
drunkenness. If you’re going to do it, enjoy every second of it and
have a great time! The most important things to remember are to
ALWAYS USE A CONDOM and REMEMBER HIS/HER NAME.
#8 COMMUNICATION:
This is the hardest part of the whole process. I can’t tell you
how many times I have sacked and then been depressed that he didn’t
call or acknowledge my existence. I now realize that I made the
error of mistaking sexual intimacy with personal intimacy. One
night stands are, after all, one night affairs, with no obligation
or commitment to anything further. Kissing somebody or having sex
with somebody does not obligate either party to be friends. A
breakdown in communication occurs because no distinction is made
between the physical and emotional. Having realistic goals and
expectations of yourself and others will prevent hurt feelings from
springing up after the event.
As you read this, realize that YOUR future as a Mack is bright
and that with the advice in this column YOU can do anything you
want. My last recommendation is to keep a list of your mackings
 it will keep you from forgetting and will be great for
laughs years from now. Good luck!