Tuesday, February 11, 1997
FAITH:
Relate to God on your own terms, not by standard
conceptions.Silvia
Morelos
What is God?
Hmm.
As a wanna-be, non-practicing Catholic (by ascribed fortune),
most of my life I had trouble trying to figure out God and trying
to oblige by the dictates and rules that he laid out for all his
children here on earth. But more often than not, I got lost in the
contradictions that I found in Catholic, and other religious,
beliefs.
My visit to Mexico when I was fourteen years old opened up my
eyes to further entrenched religious beliefs as to what is "good"
and "sinful." It was confusing, because I remember neither my
mother nor my abuelita (grandmother) being practicing Catholics;
they never really told me anything. But I was obliged to go to misa
(mass) with my not-so-well-known members of my traditional, and
condescending, extended mexican family. At church, I was
overwhelmed by the intense atmosphere of devotion and "el amor de
dios" (God’s love), and I even thought it was beautiful at one
point. But I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed. I did not feel
like I fit in, and I did not know how to pray the way everyone else
did, so I began rambling "our father, who art in heaven …" over
and over again a mile-a-minute  like everyone else seemed to
be doing  to at least pretend I understood.
But I did not understand. Mass bored the hell out of me, and my
mind began to wander. As I became more distracted, I became more
uncomfortable. I freaked out even more when I was told that I would
not be "saved" if I did not go to confession like a "good Catholic
girl" every single Sunday. It was confusing, because not only did I
not understand who or what "God" was, but also why "he" seemed to
be so conditional in "his" love: if you followed "his" rules, you
would not go to hell; otherwise you’d be damned.
I guess once a person begins to get older, your eyes begin to
open up a little more. It can be very confusing to not be instilled
with any particular way of believing in God as you are growing up,
but I think that’s a blessing in disguise. It gives me a sense of
autonomy in terms of trying to figure out for myself how this
almighty being, this "higher power", relates to me. I realized that
once I somehow found a way to relate to "God" for myself, I would
understand.
I find it amusing, even in church, that God should be one who
only loves you if you do the right things that he tells you, i.e.
go to church every Sunday, put him first before anything else, stop
"sinning," etc. Let me give you some examples of this conditional
love of God that I have noticed:
Once upon a sun-filled day, while meandering down Bruin walk
with my devoted little walkman, I came across someone holding a BIG
sign. Since I had a song blasting on the radio, I at first did not
hear what this particular muchacho (young man) had to say. All I
know was that there was a word in big red ink that said "HOMOS." I
stopped and realized that the sign itself was pretty much
condemning "homos."
It pissed me off. (I’m still working on my quick temper, SO
shoot me). As I have had some friends who are gay/lesbian, I found
his message annoying. He kept professing, in God’s name, that
"homos" were an "abomination" to God’s will. He said they were
sinning and that they needed to repent because they would not be
"saved" otherwise. He mentioned how he too had been a sinner who
had listened to certain music that was not HOLY, I guess, and that
he drank, blah, blah, blah. But he had "repented" and now thus bore
God’s sin-free message all over the country.
Well, give him an Oreo cookie.
There was another time here at school when I had been graced
with God’s conditional love once again. I am sure that MANY
students have been approached by other students who are affiliated
with some kind of religious organization here on campus. I have
often found myself in the awkward position of getting them to leave
me the hell alone without being rude or a smart-ass. Especially
when I’m suddenly caught off-guard by one of them.
For example, a classmate of mine last quarter once started to be
really friendly and amiable to me, for no particular reason. I did
not know the girl, so I admit that I found her sudden friendliness
surprising. She came up to me at a table one time during lunch to
give me the assignment that I had missed when I had not been in
class one day. After she consistently made efforts to be nice, I
shrugged off my suspiciousness; I even felt guilty.
But, VOILA! One afternoon she caught up with me on my way into
Westwood and she began to small-talk with me. Then, all of a
sudden, she was like,"by the way, my [religious] group is having a
retreat" in a few weeks, and she was pretty much recruiting me to
go. I became annoyed, and I made up some lame excuse. I guess I was
bothered by her strings-attached, superficial friendliness. After
that she became rather distant for the remainder of the quarter,
even to the point of being standoffish. That wasn’t cool; another
example of "God’s" conditional "love" by those who preach
otherwise.
And there you have it; a word or two from god’s holier-than-thou
sponsors.
As a non-"holy" chick, I feel compelled to "preach" this:
1. God and his creation  all of us  are NOT mutually
exclusive. To me, God is the following:
"If one were but to open his or her inward eye, he or she would
perceive that heaven has already been attained at the depth of
one’s being. One had only to become what one already was by
creation and promise … (therefore) to be saved, (I) must be what
(I) already am." These words were said by John Yungblut in his book
"The Gentle Art of Spiritual Guidance."
I have finally understood that I can directly relate to God as
long as I am true to myself. In my case, as a heterosexual woman,
that means being true to my deep (annoying) ways of thinking, my
passion and my sensuality, my creativity and my spirituality. I
believe that God is an evolvement of your true self, of your
ultimate potential and higher power, and a growing awareness of
your thoughts, feelings and actions. Otherwise, why would God, who
is THE highest power, supposedly create us in his likeness?
I now believe that even in my ultimate goal to help others, it
is extremely important to know, be true and to become aware of how
to help heal myself first. Contrary to the notions of some
religious fanatics, this means even being a lover of pleasure,
because that in itself is indeed being true to myself and to the
God within me. I deserve love too; I rarely received it growing up,
and so I sure as hell am learning. Once I learn how to love ME, I
can love and help another wholeheartedly.
2. God’s love is NOT conditional. Don’t love yourself depending
on what others want from you or from what they want you to be.
Being true to yourself, furthering your spirit by being true to
your dreams, and challenging obstacles is love; it’s God. Being
true means many different things to many people. Denying yourself
and therefore being kept "in the closet" is detrimental
spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Thus, contrary to the notions of the guy with the sign, I also
argue UNCONDITIONALLY that:
"We should support (homosexual unions) when they further the
life of the Spirit by the same criteria we apply to heterosexual
unions. Both heterosexual and homosexual (unions) … if they are
to meet the human potential for development in the life of the
Spirit, will be increasingly characterized by love, joy, peace,
patience, … (and integrity,)" (Yungblut, p.78-79).
3. Who the hell said that God was a man anyhow? Of all the
patriarchal notions ….
"Every human being is, to some extent, both a man and a woman
…. As a result of this duality we relate to each other not only
through the sex we consciously belong to, but also
transversely,through our unconscious, contrasexual sides,"
(Yungblut, pg.73).
So there. God is not what "he" is cut out to be.
Although I respect the fact that others, like my extended family
in Mexico, fervently believe in their traditional, all-mighty,
all-powerful, "he," "God," my God is different. It’s more humane to
me, and more tangible.
On one final note for Valentine’s Day this Friday: for many
singles like myself, that day can be a seriously over-rated DRAG.
But it’s smart to appreciate your independence, have fun and to
SOMEhow love yourself before you regret it later. (Hee.)
To those who are still "in the closet" for whatever reason, look
at that day as one in which to GET THE HELL OUT. For those who may
secretly have a crush on someone … SAY SOMETHING, at least on
that day, for crying out loud.
Be true to yourself. You lose nothing. That is love.
That is "God."