Thursday, February 13, 1997
RELATIONSHIPS:
‘Getting together’ can result in the loss of a good friendshipBy
Jessie Seyfer
The California Aggie
Courtesy of University Wire
"Can’t we just be friends?" These five words are perhaps the
most dreaded in the entire English language. They’re difficult to
say, but even harder to hear because it means, basically, that you
won’t be getting any from someone you hoped you would. But not
always.
In the college arena, affairs of the heart often have a lot of
side rules and beer-influenced corollaries. As we try to muddle
through the messy dating game, we hastily lay down these exceptions
while trying to figure out just what our moral fiber consists of
(and if we have any at all).
Our rules for dating and love can be tested in a variety of
dilemmas, but none produces as much angst as perhaps the familiar,
"Should we stay friends or should we try for more?" scenario.
The usual discomfort this situation brings about was exemplified
in the movie "Reality Bites" when Ethan Hawke suddenly kissed his
good bud Winona Ryder, saying he wanted the friendship to "evolve."
Winona, however, was not down with the idea, perhaps for a number
of reasons including Ethan’s singing, and she fled the scene
crying, "I’m not ready to evolve!"
Some people deal with this sticky situation by avoiding it
altogether, or by creating new variations of the "friend" idea.
The end result of such exception-making is terms like, "friends
who kiss," "friends with benefits," "just friends," "friends who
kissed once but got grossed out because it was like kissing a
cousin," "friends who got together that one night in Tahoe when
they were drinking tequila," "friends who flirt voraciously but
have never touched so much as a knee," "friends who suspect the
other may be gay" and the list goes on and on.
Amid all this confusion over whether one should forsake the
friendship to freak the friend, several UC Davis students agreed
that pushing a friendship into sexual territory is always a risky
maneuver.
According to senior Benjamin Yen, "If you have a friend and you
want to take it further, it’s not always a good idea because you
might have to sacrifice a lot of things when you start going out
with them.
"If you stay friends, you can be carefree and not have to worry
about what they’re thinking all the time," he added. "But if you
start going out, everything changes."
Former UCD student Jennifer Romero echoed this sentiment.
"If you’re in a friendship with the intent of making it more,
you might as well pack your bags and leave," she said. "Because
it’s just not going to happen.
"If you enjoy each other’s company, then just enjoy it for what
it is," she added. "Because also if you push it further and you
realize it’s not what you wanted anyway, then you’ll be mad at
yourself."
The "friends or lovers" question also seems to fall along gender
lines. Despite the fact that many women have embraced their sexual
independence, men appear more likely than women to create labels
like "friends with benefits," according to some students.
"Guys do things like (making up labels) to avoid commitment,"
Yen said.
Senior Jessie Schwartz agreed.
"Some men want to be close to a woman but they’re fearful of
relationships so when they get there they can’t really handle it,"
Schwartz said. "I guess the ‘friends who get together’ thing can
work if people really believe they can stay on a common playing
field, but I don’t know many women who don’t make an emotional
connection with a guy when they do something sexual with them.
"I suppose getting together with a friend could work if both
people are really up front about the fact that they’re both looking
for the same thing," Schwartz added. "It’s possible but sometimes
weird. This seems to happen with people and their exes because
they’ve already been through all the emotional stuff with them, and
they’re already comfortable with them physically."
Deciding whether to listen to your loins or to Michael Bolton
("How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?") on this issue may
or may not be the right idea. Most of us would like our love lives
to be as cute and clever as in the movie "When Harry Met Sally" but
real life usually proves to be just a tad more complicated.
According to Romero, the answer is simple.
"I think men and women can be friends as long as you can pick
your noses and fart around each other," she said. "After that,
anything is possible."