Monday, March 3, 1997
CANDIDATE:
Outcast voices ideas, proposing to add squirrel feeders
Happy ninth week, Bruins! It is I, Viewpoint’s resident
Troubleshooter, Philanthropist and Reader Friend, back again with
(gasp!) my last column of Winter Quarter.
Before I begin today’s column, I would like to take a brief
moment to thank the anonymous Daily Bruin staff member who
carefully omitted one line (not one SENTENCE; one LINE) from my
column of Feb. 3. Since I’m certain that thousands of you saved the
column in question (waiting eagerly to discover the lost words),
the missing six words (as you turn the page from page 14 to page
16) are: "favorite campus celebrities like Blossom, Steve". I’d
like to thank Assistant Viewpoint Editor Stephanie Pfeffer for
bringing this atrocity to my attention (lest you all think that I
peruse my own published work searching for blemishes).
Ok, now that we have that taken care of, let’s get on with the
show. It is no secret among the Viewpoint-reading faithful that I
pride myself on being the one columnist who routinely devotes his
column space to the improvement of this campus and its students. It
is also no secret that I take great pains to avoid writing about
over-Viewpoint-ized issues (can you say "USAC"?), but in order to
properly care for you (the reader), today I must make an
exception.
If you happen to read anything in the Bruin besides Viewpoint
and the crossword, you may have noticed a large number of articles
chronicling our university’s desperate search for a new chancellor,
pending "Tickle Me" Chancellor Young’s resignation (effective this
June). Last week four "finalists" in our university’s search for a
new chancellor were announced, and I (for one) was astonished that
the Bruin ran an article featuring those four candidates, plainly
ignoring the "Dark Horse" fifth candidate for the chancellery.
Who could this fifth candidate be, you ask? And why would the
Daily Bruin News Department betray its readers by ignoring him or
her? Is it New Joe Bruin? Old Joe? URSA? Men’s Basketball Coach
Steve Lavin? Urkel? No, no, no, no, and no. (Although I must admit
that URSA might not be such a bad choice.) The ignored (indeed,
outcast) fifth candidate for the position of UCLA chancellor is the
man who writes this column. (Insert cheering, tears of joy and UCLA
fight song here.)
Many of you may be wondering, "Can a student serve as
chancellor?" and many more of you may be wondering, "Does this
Horey guy spend a lot of his free time standing in front of running
microwaves?" As far as I know, no student has actually ever served
as chancellor of this university, but as far as I know, no one has
a clue what the chancellor does anyway, so I figure he might as
well be me.
Sure, the other four finalists might have "college degrees", or
"experience", or "gray hair". Sure, they might be "smarter", or
"wealthier", or "wiser", or "more respected", or "better looking"
than I am. But I have one thing none of them have  a
Viewpoint column with which to campaign for write-in votes. (And
come on, who loves the students of this campus more than I?) I
don’t see Stanley Chodorow ("The man with more ‘O’s in his surname
than any man could ever need") writing articles in the Bruin
informing anyone who can read on how to attend UCLA for free. (I
did that back in October, you Daily Bruin historians.) I have given
considerable thought to what I would do as chancellor, and I will
present a few of my ideas here for your careful consideration.
Chalk-proofing of Bruin Walk: I suppose my reasons for doing
this are obvious (but in the interest of redundancy I will state
them anyway). I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t really
care whose birthday it is, or what sorority is welcoming new
pledges, or whose Millennium Is Coming. (What the hell is that all
about, anyway?)
Installation of moving sidewalk on Bruin Walk: After the
chalk-proofing has been completed, my chancellery administration
will set about installing one of those moving sidewalks like they
had on the Jetsons. Nobody likes hiking up that hill, and I really
can’t think of a better way to use your registration fees.
Unfortunately, construction of the moving sidewalk may require
removal of the new chain link fence which is now strung across
Bruin Walk. (I guess we all have to make sacrifices.)
Installation of snow-makers along Bruin Walk: I figure that as
long as that huge hill is there, we might as well get some good use
out of it during the winter months. (What do you have to say to
that idea, Albert Carnesale?)
Creation of squirrel feeders on campus: These will be installed
immediately, as a service to anyone who has ever tried to eat lunch
on this campus. (Besides, I figure that as long as we have to live
with them, we might as well socialize the rabid little
bastards.)
Band sedatives: Have you ever had the privilege of sitting next
to the UCLA band at a sporting event? Those guys need sedation
worse than any people I’ve ever encountered in my life, and as
chancellor I would be happy to provide it for them. (I’d say that
sacrificing the "B! B-O! B-O-B, Bob!" chant is a small price to
pay.)
New Powell song: Don’t get me wrong, I love the pre-recorded
sound of those bells coming from Powell, but if I worked in that
building I think I’d be ready to kill somebody, on the hour, every
hour. (And I’ll bet we’d be the only university in the nation that
played Van Halen from their library tower.)
Expand URSA: It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of URSA. This is
the time of the year when we all get to spend quite a bit of time
with the little electronic lady, and I only wish she could do more.
Counseling? Be a psychic friend? Find me that special someone?
Name campus landmarks: I’ve always found it perplexing that
while most everything on this campus is named after some (probably
dead, certainly wealthy) benefactor, certain campus landmarks (like
the Bombshelter and URL) conspicuously lack the name of a UCLA
alum. As chancellor, I would do my best to correct this gross
injustice. How about "The Blossom Bombshelter"? Sure, that’s not
her real name, but I like the sound of The Blossom Bombshelter
better than the Mayim Bialik Bombshelter. (I’ve always thought that
we should draw as much attention as possible to our campus
celebrities, and how better to do that than to name something after
one of them?) Or the "Hugh G. Dick URL"? (Come on, we’ve all heard
that story.) I don’t even know if it’s true (I never checked), but
if it is, I think it’s high time Mr. Dick got the recognition he
deserves. (I, for one, would be proud to study in Hugh G. Dick
Library.)
By now the choice should be obvious. I clearly want the job more
than my colleagues, and although I’m sure Gerald Levey is a real
fun loving guy, I can’t imagine that he or any of the other
"finalists" would have quite the same impact on this campus as I.
If you agree, please do us all a favor and give "Tickle Me"
Chancellor Young a call to tell him so. If you’ve lost his number,
don’t fret; I’m sure there’s another teaching assistant strike
coming up real soon.