Thursday, March 13, 1997
DECENCY:
Women don’t find cheap feels, tasteless comments or psychotic
behavior endearingIt’s that time of year again, that time of year
when we don vestments of kelly, forest, and kelp and head to the
bars to guzzle down green beverages with thousands of other raucous
idiots. St. Patrick’s Day is nearly here, and I for one am thrilled
to pieces. It’s a holiday I can really get enthusiastic about. (I
just ended a sentence in a preposition, and I don’t care, because,
knowing the editors at The Bruin, I’m sure they will manage to add
many glaring errors to distract your attention. Last week, they
managed to spell my name in two different ways.) St. Paddy’s Day
isn’t about turkey and relatives, or greeting cards and significant
others. It’s all about your friends, Irish Catholicism and beer.
Plus, if you see a cute guy who’s not wearing green, you have an
excuse to pinch his butt.
Actually, I’ve never really gotten the point of butt-pinching. I
mean, I understand why sleazy guys like to rub up against people,
but why the butt pinch? What pleasure does that give you, the
sexual harasser? Is it really that exciting? I don’t understand
what these boys are hoping to accomplish. You could be the cutest
guy in the whole world, and the second you pinch my ass, I am
immediately going to be grossed out by you.
My friends and I have our own little unique way of dealing with
harassment. I am a loud, obnoxious person, and when people make me
uncomfortable, I do not just ignore them and hope they’ll go away.
No, I will retaliate. So, if some guy walks by and comments, "Nice
body," or some similarly idiotic remark, I’ll follow him and say,
"Oh, you think I have a nice body? Do you want to have sex now?!"
And when he gets scared and tries to run away, I’ll scream, "Where
are you going? I thought we were going to have sex!" And, as a
parting shot, I like to use the phrase, "Nice ass!" Because it is
high time that we girls gave boys a taste of their own
medicine.
I have heard boys get all nervous and defensive about what
constitutes sexual harassment. They claim they’re just flirting,
and women are too sensitive. If your idea of flirting is making
remarks about girls’ body parts as they walk by, or trying to cop a
feel, then you need to work on your technique. A sincere compliment
is both flattering and disarming. And I love a clever line as much
as the next person. But don’t play dumb boys: You know when you’re
being offensive.
I’m really curious to know what is going on in the mind of a
serial or chronic harasser. You know: those weird older men who sit
in cafes all day and have a special message for each and every girl
who walks by: "Hey pretty lady," "Nice rack," or "I’d like some of
that." Look, I don’t get worked up about it or anything; I’m
honestly curious. Why do you choose to behave in a manner that
guarantees that no girl will ever want to talk to you? All of my
guy friends, who seem to have relatively successful sex lives, are
friendly and pleasant. They know all about entendre and nuance.
They never blurt out things like "I’d really like to fuck you" to
girls they’ve just met.
I spend a lot of time at the bars, and therefore have
experienced every variety of pickup known to man. I don’t care how
drunk I look, "I’d really like to taste you" is never, never going
to work, not unless you’re George Clooney, so you can just keep
those sentiments to yourself. After a certain point, don’t you
realize that your approach is not working?
You’ve been watching way too many pornos. People in the real
world operate by a whole different set of rules. For instance, in
real life, a blow job does not constitute standard procedure in a
medical examination.
In my last column, I mentioned that boys are attracted to psycho
girls. Unfortunately, the reverse does not apply. Boys, if you act
like a psycho by displaying your nonexistent social skills, the
object of your affection is invariably going to think about how you
are going to act when she takes you home to meet her parents. "Hi,
Mrs. So-and-So, I’d like to lick you up and down" will hardly ever
give a good first impression.
Girls don’t like to date psycho boys for the following reason:
Psycho boys will follow and stalk you. They will never leave you
alone. Anyone who has experienced this before (and most girls have)
will not be anxious to repeat the experience. So reaching across
the table and suddenly groping your paramour’s breasts is going to
be interpreted as a fairly good indication that in several weeks
time, you’re going to be hanging around outside her apartment,
trying to peek into her windows.
Later that day, when you’re sitting in the holding cell, cooling
off, don’t say I didn’t warn you.