Tuesday, April 1, 1997
TRANSPORTATION:
Bureau usually ignores parkway violations, but not alwaysBy Bob
Buch
Parking in Westwood is one of the top five hassles at UCLA. It
is right up there with those familiar icons of hassle such as
Murphy Hall, URSA, buying and selling books at ASUCLA, and
transsexual, homophobic atheists spouting nonsense on Bruin
Walk.
Has a parking enforcement agent ever told you that he cannot
take back your ticket because he "already wrote down your plate
number?" He is lying.
Have you ever gotten a parking ticket for parking on the
"parkway?"
Have you ever wanted to fight a parking ticket but decided not
to because it is not worth the hassle?
Have you ever written "fuck you" on the memo line of your check
when you are paying a parking fine?
Is it really worth the hassle of fighting a parking ticket? For
God’s sake, no  do yourself a favor and pay the ticket. If
you feel cheated, then write some profanities on the memo line
 that usually helps. Also, feel free to act rudely towards
the officers who drive those tin can cars with little
nipple-sirens. However, the police can give you parking tickets
too, and if you are rude to them, they might just haul you off to
jail  trust me.
My story begins one week last November when I got two citations
for parking on the "parkway." The parkway is that little strip of
concrete between the sidewalk and the street. I always thought that
this was an extension of my driveway. Apparently, I was wrong.
I called the phone number listed on my ticket to ask why I got
two tickets in one week for parking where I have parked for three
years. The response I got was, "Let me transfer you to my
supervisor …" Click. Or else, they may admit that they are
incapable of making independent decisions by saying, "I can’t do
that because the computer won’t let me." In other words, "I can’t
do that because I don’t know how to operate this strange piece of
equipment sitting in front of me."
I continued on my quest to navigate through the murky
bureaucracy of the parking violations bureau. Four months after
getting the tickets, and paying for them, I was granted a hearing
with an ombudsman. I found the hearing examiner to be fair and
impartial but totally unaware of what planet she was on. Upon
hearing my case, she offered me a continuance so that I could
obtain a written statement from the Westwood parking enforcement
office proving that they do not regularly give tickets for parkway
violations. It was not enough that I had pictures of streets
crowded with cars parked on the parkway, I needed to get a written
statement from a computer programmed to hang up on me.
I explained to a supervisor, Charlotte, that hundreds of cars
park on the parkway every day in Westwood without getting tickets.
She said, "How do you know that they aren’t getting tickets? Maybe
people just take them off their cars before you see them." Could it
be true, I wondered, that everyone in Westwood exists only to make
my life more difficult? I took note of this as further proof that
my life is a conspiracy of Pynchonian proportions.
But Charlotte really was involved in a conspiracy: to protect
the parking enforcement agency from being exposed for not doing
their job.
She put me on hold to ask some agents if they know of any policy
regarding parkway violations in Westwood. When she returned, she
told me what I wanted to hear. There is indeed a way to park on the
parkway and not be ticketed. I asked if she could please just issue
me a written statement to that effect. She put me on hold to talk
to her lieutenant. When she returned, she changed her tune. She
said that there was in fact no policy allowing residents to park in
the parkway. Luckily, I tape recorded our entire conversation. She
was lying and I had proof. It was not quite the same ballpark as
Rodney King but it was a victory for me. If nothing else, I had
proof that I was not crazy. Right?
As a last ditch effort, I called my city councilman’s office.
They did some investigating and informed me of the following. It
turns out that Sue Hicks, the head of the parking enforcement
bureau admitted that they refrain from ticketing cars parked on the
parkway in Westwood as a "favor" to the residents. For this reason
she could not issue me a written statement saying that they do not
ticket for parkway violations.
Well, thank you so much parking enforcement agency for only
ticketing me when you feel like it. Now I can rest easy at night
knowing that you may decide at any moment to take $30 from me. Sue,
this is America. Laws are not to be interpreted by parking
enforcement agents based on the quality of their doughnuts that
morning.
Laws don’t change unless people are mad, people don’t get mad
unless the laws affect them, and laws don’t affect people unless
they are enforced. Please do not accuse me of taking this too
seriously.
I acknowledge that this is somewhat of a joke. But the serious
point here is that if we allow parking enforcement to make their
own rules today, we may be allowing the police to do it tomorrow.
If this bothers you, call Councilman Mike Feuer’s office at (213)
847-4467.
Incidentally, I think that the best solution to the parking
problem is to have permit parking for residents like they do in the
rich part of Westwood. But to support that claim, I would have to
write another thousand words.