Tuesday, 5/20/97 A look at what’s in store for Bruins next year
CURRICULUM: Chancellor Carnesale brings host of improvements to
campus
A wise man once said, "When you can’t think of a suitable
introduction to a piece of writing, use a made-up (but thought
provoking) quote." Well, OK, it wasn’t a "wise man." It was me. And
I never actually said that, but I did type it (so I suppose that
counts). I’ve never been one for using spectacular openers in my
columns, so you’ll have to forgive me. (But if you don’t, I’ll
never know the difference.) However, I am one for beginning my
columns with long rants that bear no relation to my actual column
topics. This is an invaluable skill for any aspiring columnists out
there who doubt their ability to write columns of acceptable
length; although, for the record, it is not a skill which Viewpoint
editors particularly appreciate. But since this is my last column
of the year (pause while the reader dries his or her tears) and
I’ve included irrelevant rants in every other column I’ve written
all year, I see no reason to stray from my pattern now. (Do you?)
Today I would like to thank YOU (the reader) if you were one of the
200 Bruins who cast their vote for me in the USAC presidential
elections on May 7 and 8. I cannot possibly thank you all in
person, but it does give me a funny feeling inside to know that so
many of you were willing to knowingly throw away your vote by
voting for me, a guy who wouldn’t have been allowed to serve had he
received 100 percent of the vote. (Pause while writer dries his or
her tears.) I did a little bit of math (as much as any
self-respecting psychology student will do) and I discovered that
since I received 4 percent of the vote, one out of every 25 Bruins
wanted me to be their leader. Scary. I thought about walking around
campus and thanking every 25th person I saw, but then I thought,
"Putting a thank you in my column would be a hell of a lot easier,"
and since I’m not a big fan of hard work (hence the major in
psychology) this is what you get. (Note to self: insert appropriate
rant-to-topic transition sentence here before sending column to
press, or you’ll sound like a dumbass.) I don’t know how many of
you noticed, but the Goodbye Charles Young / Hello Albert Carnesale
celebration occurred last Friday in Pauley Pavilion. I was not
personally in attendance (because I had some important matters of
sleep recovery to attend to), but Chancellor-Designate Carnesale
was kind enough to call me after the gala to express his
disappointment at my defeat in the recent USAC elections. (How Mr.
Carnesale came to be in possession of my phone number is an issue
of some concern in my life, but for now we will overlook it.) It
seems that our new chancellor is a big fan of mine, and he even
suggested that he be addressed in the future as the "Chancellorial
White Jackass." (Something makes me think that’s not a great idea,
but for now I will oblige his request.) The Chancellorial White
Jackass is fully aware that nothing will ever be able to right the
wrongs I suffered at the hand of the Man (that is, Patrick Kerkstra
at the Daily Bruin) during the election, but he proposed to begin
reparations by providing me with an advance copy of the new UCLA
General Catalog. The information contained in the new catalog is
(of course) top secret, but what does any good journalist do with
top secret information? That’s right, they blab it all over the
newspaper. (But don’t tell Carnesale, because I’d hate to be an
enemy of the Chancellorial White Jackass.) So now, for your reading
pleasure, I present Albert Carnesale’s changes to the UCLA General
Catalog for 1997-1998. Chancellor Carnesale’s first order of
business is to expand the duties of our good friends, the CSOs. The
new catalog outlines his plans for the campus escorts and the new
services they will provide: "Say you want to have dinner while
you’re being walked home. The 1998 CSOs will be happy to oblige. No
date for that sorority date party? Just call 794-WALK." (I’m
reprogramming my speed dial as you read this.) The next items of
interest in the new catalog are the changes to the Daily Bruin.
(Yes, this one is near and dear to my heart.) For the 1997-1998
school year, the Daily Bruin will include three crosswords every
day, "in case some inconsiderate bastard tears out the crossword
and then leaves the paper on the floor of Moore 100, where you find
it." The new catalog also introduces the long-awaited changes to
the Bruin Gold program. I have long been an opponent of the
Apocalypse-esque Bruin Gold card, so I was pleased to learn that
Chancellor-Designate Carnesale is going to do away with it.
However, I am not certain that the new system is an improvement (in
fact, it really makes me question Mr. Carnesale’s sanity). Read the
following excerpt from the new catalog and judge for yourself: "For
the 1997-1998 school year, ASUCLA will proudly welcome Bruin Bar
Codes. Any student bothered by the inconvenience of cash will
simply have a bar code installed in his or her hand; this bar code
will track the student’s spending and will provide valuable
information to aliens in the event of an abduction." It doesn’t
take a Charles Young to figure out that our campus suffers from
chronic construction, but Chancellor-Designate Carnesale is
tackling the issue head on. The IM field is scheduled to be
destroyed during the construction of a new parking structure, so
our new Chancellor has included plans for a few new IM sports in
the new catalog. Old favorites like softball, soccer and football
will be replaced by: – IM Cage Fighting. To quote the new catalog:
"All those weird-looking chain-link cages next to Pauley aren’t
being used for anything anyway, so why not?" I for one can think of
a few people I’d like to see battling it out in a cage. (Anybody
for Kerri Strug and Blossom? Steve Lavin vs. Rhode Island
basketball coach Jim Harrick? Charles Young vs. Albert Carnesale?)
– IM Evening Van Drag Racing. The logistics of this new IM sport
are potentially hairy, but I think it’s worth exploring. Why
implement Evening Van Drag Racing? To quote our buddy Mr.
Carnesale, "Those vans don’t do anything during the day anyway."
And admit it, you’d pay money to see people try to race those
things. – IM Downhill Skiing (on Bruin Walk). Now, as you’ll all
recall, part of my chancellorial campaign was a plan to install
snowmakers on Bruin Walk. Carnesale can’t claim this idea as his
own, but the guy does know a good idea when he hears one. Well,
that’s it, everybody. That’s it for this column and that’s it for
me. I must admit that I was disappointed not to see "Glorious
return of old Joe Bruin" anywhere in the new catalog, but I guess
that would be a little much to expect from a guy requesting to be
called the Chancellorial White Jackass. Thanks for reading this
year; it’s been quite a ride. I haven’t decided if I’ll apply to
Viewpoint again next year, but maybe I’ll see y’all then. (Or maybe
not.) And if you just absolutely cannot deal with the depression
you feel over losing me, then call Albert Carnesale’s new URSA
helpline: 208-0425. Horey is a third-year psychology student.
Justin Horey