Monday, 6/23/97 Do and don’t list to help you through this
summer EDUCATION: Advice for academic success, ways to utilize
campus, allows students to choose right path
Hi! Welcome to Summer Session! I attended UCLA’s Summer Session
once and, in a strange way, I envy you. Of course, the fact that
I’m writing this article over a cup of cappuccino at a sunny bistro
on Rue St. Michele in Paris and that I’ll be submitting it via
modem (the article, not the cappuccino) somewhat dampens my envy.
Oh, how I do enjoy that first class on the first day of a new
quarter, strolling (or sprinting, depending on which side of the 12
the big hand is) down the halls of buildings named after some
remarkably important person: like Eddie Murphy, Jane Pauley,
Michael Kinsey or Dennis Franz. (One name I don’t get: The Wooden
Center. I swear, it looks like it’s made of concrete to me.) You
can smell the higher academia in the air as you walk into a
strange, new classroom full of strange new people (or strange
people you already know), and realize that the 14-year-old-looking
guy in the board shorts and flip-flops is actually your new
professor. For the benefit of those of you who are newcomers to our
fine institution, I had intended on compiling a list of do’s and
don’t’s for academic success. But I realized the do’s and don’t’s
list approach to writing an orientation article has been done more
times than that USC student who got herself into the Guinness Book
of World Records for … well, enough about that … let’s just say
it’s been done. So, here’s my twist, I’ll combine all of the do’s
and don’t’s into one big list and let you figure it out. In keeping
with the spirit of academic endeavor, if you e-mail me
([email protected]) a list of which is which, I’ll send you a
lovely token of my admiration. The first person to get them all
right wins an autographed photo. I’m dead serious! Ready? Begin:
Do/Don’t: Get on-line if you aren’t already. UCLA offers a terrific
package called Bruin OnLine (BOL). It’s available at the bookstore
for a nominal fee and comes with all the software you will need to
become master of the Internet. Even if you don’t have a computer,
get a BOL account. There are computer labs all over campus where
you can do on-line research, write papers, check out the web and
send or receive e-mail. I am pleased to add that the BOL’s
technical support people (310-825-7452) are top notch. Do/Don’t:
Walk into class and assert yourself as the alpha male of the group,
even if you’re neither alpha nor male. Refer to your fellow
students as litter mates. Pee on your seat so everyone will respect
your boundaries. Then, pee on the lectern (I said lectern, not
lecturer). Do/Don’t: Find out how to contact the professor. Some
encourage their students to use e-mail. Others are actually daring
enough to give out their home numbers. In either case, you may find
that having these off-hour options is invaluable when you are
writing a paper or cramming for a test, or when you just have a
general question. Do/Don’t: Cut to the chase. Invariably, on the
first day of class the professor will give you a syllabus, then
s-l-o-w-l-y read the entire thing to you word for word. This is a
great time to let everyone know who you are. Say something like
this: "Hey man, I know how to read. Can we get started? I don’t
have all day." Your professor will appreciate the fact that you are
eager to learn. Your fellow students will admire your scholastic
initiative. Do/Don’t: Take advantage of office hours. They are an
invaluable opportunity to expand your understanding on the
curriculum and to become something other than another face in the
crowd. Do/Don’t: Publicly challenge your TA to an arm-wrestling
match. Do/Don’t: Get to know what UCLA has to offer academically.
You’ll be amazed. One of the great things about being at this
university is that we have access to thousands of professionals who
have made it their life’s endeavor to figure out fairly complicated
stuff, like how to kill retroviruses or parse Proust. You’ve heard
the phrase, "He wrote the book on (insert topic)." Around here it
might not necessarily be a figurative statement. Do/Don’t: Read the
Daily Bruin during lectures. Professors hate it! Do/Don’t:
Plagiarize. I know an incredibly foolish guy who got expelled from
another university for plagiarism. His act of supreme stupidity
went on his transcript and he couldn’t get into another school. It
truly and substantially affected his life in ways you would never
imagine. You are better off dropping the stinking class, or even
withdrawing from the entire quarter, than committing an act of
plagiarism. When in doubt, ask. Do/Don’t: Neutralize the jerk. In
every class there is at least one. He is the one who yells,
"Focus!" while you’re watching a video, has a copy of Cigar
Aficionado conspicuously jutting from his backpack, stinks of CK
and says, "That’s my name, Don’t wear it out" when the professor
takes attendance. Once you figure out who the jerk is, put a
contract out on his life (Caveat: Sometimes, when you are really
lucky, there are two jerks in the same class, in which case don’t
worry about the contract; they’ll take care of each other).
Do/Don’t: Take advantage of your summer enrollment to save a lot of
money on computer equipment and software. You’ll find that on many
items the Bruin store’s prices are unbeatable. Do/Don’t: Get to
know your professor really, really well. A nice Mont Blanc makes
for a great icebreaker. Run their credit report and pay off all
their debts. Print your papers on the back sides of Disney stock
certificates. Have one of those mobile auto detailers wash and wax
their car while they are in class. Don’t forget the tires and air
freshener. Do/Don’t: Lay low for the first few days. If this is
your first time at a university, realize that things happen a
little differently here. What may have been acceptable elsewhere
may not go over as well here. DO NOT bring your high school
athletic trophies to class. DO NOT attempt to give your new TA a
melvin. DO NOT start slathering your entire body with
coconut-scented tanning lotion five minutes before class ends.
Also, picking your teeth with a huge bowie knife is considered
gauche. Do/Don’t: Neutralize the kiss-ass. In every class there is
at least one. You will recognize this person by the following
description: Sits front-row center straining out-of-seat waving
hand inches from professor’s face and going, "Ooh, ooh, I know, I
know." This person will repeat, in the form of a question, every
other point the professor makes, such as: Professor: The Battle of
Hastings was fought in 1066. Kiss-ass: So, basically you’re saying
that the Battle of Hastings was fought in 1066? This person must be
stopped. Just before class, call Domino’s and order the stinkiest
anchovy pizza they can make. Have it delivered to the kiss-ass
midlecture. Do/Don’t: Stick up for yourself. If you feel you’re
being treated poorly by anyone at UCLA, consult a mediator. UCLA is
quite specific about the types of behavior that are and are not
acceptable. For further reading, consult the General Catalog or
visit the web site at
http://www.ucla.edu/student/catalog/RegulationsandPolicies.html.
Do/Don’t: Fake your professor into thinking you are one of his or
her peers. Circulate a bogus CV (curriculum vitae, not a resume)
that boasts a half dozen advanced degrees. Start every sentence:
"When I was at Cambridge …." Do/Don’t: Remember that someone,
somewhere at UCLA goes to work every day solely for the purpose of
helping you deal with whatever your problem at the moment happens
to be. If you have a question about your health, there’s Student
Health Services (825-4703). If you have a question about your
sanity, there’s Student Psychological Services (825-0768). If you
need legal assistance, you guessed it, Student Legal Services
(825-9894). If you’re having trouble with your studies, there are
dozens of groups that can assist you with counseling or getting you
started with a tutor. Call Student Academic Services (825-0171).
Can’t stop crying? Helpline Counseling (825-HELP). Professor
hitting on you? Ombuds (825-7627). Bogus parking ticket? Citation
Review Office (825-2029). Maniac roommate? Office of Residential
Life (825-3401). Need money? Student Loan Services (825-9864). Need
a job to pay back Student Loan Services? Career Center (206-7774).
As I said, these departments exist to help you get through the
quarter, so don’t hesitate to call should the need arise. Do/Don’t:
Take advantage of the new communications revolution: use your
cellular telephone during a midterm or final to call a
knowledgeable friend who can help you answer those especially
challenging questions. "Hi, it’s me, what happened in 1066?" Ask
your professor to schedule exams during off-peak hours so your
calls won’t cost as much. Do/Don’t: Above all, have a super-cool
summer. Michael Daughtery Related Links: Student Health Service
Student Psychological Services Student Legal Services Ombudsman
Office of Residential Life Student Loan Services Career Center
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