Monday, September 29, 1997
Thanking the thankless
CAMPUS: Everybody’s favorite columnist returns with praise for
UCLA’s special people
Hey, everybody! Welcome back. This would be the first "regular"
issue of the 1997-1998 Daily Bruin, and I somehow found a way to
finagle my way into it. How about that.
Many of you returning student-types will remember me from last
year as the "skinny white jackass," but if you are a transfer or
first-year student, feel free to call me what my friends (and my
mom) call me: "self-absorbed newspaper boy." (Or "skinny white
jackass" for short.) And speaking of short, others of you may have
noticed the new skinny white hairdo. (This, of course, is assuming
that the Daily Bruin photo pholks decided to run the new photo that
I so graciously posed for in the rain on Thursday.) You like?
Good.
The Bruin suggested that I christen the new look by cursing
myself with a new nickname ("skinny white pimp daddy" was a big
favorite around the paper) but I respectfully declined. (In the
event that the photograph you now see features yours truly with
long locks, you can check the new look in person – I’ll spend the
greater part of today sitting on the Kerckhoff patio, reading my
own column and laughing hysterically.)
Indulge me if you will; I feel compelled to take a moment to
introduce myself to any glassy-eyed Bruins who have not already had
the pleasure of reading my column (or any viewpoint column for that
matter). I don’t know what Viewpoint’s stated purpose is (I’m not
exactly allowed within 100 feet of the Daily Bruin office – damn
restraining order) but my stated purpose as a columnist is "to
write a funny column that everyone at UCLA can enjoy". (I thought
that up myself, thank you.)
Granted, a number of misguided Bruins would argue that I spent
the entire 1996-1997 school year failing miserably in my pursuit of
that goal, but as a rule I’d say you’re more likely to be amused
than angered by my work. That is, unless you work for the UCLA
Orientation Staff. (Pause while reader stares inquisitively at the
page.)
I wrote a column for the "Orientation Issue" of the Bruin this
summer in which I mocked the lies spread religiously by the
Orientation Staff during their campus tours. According to Viewpoint
editor (and sometime motorcycle daredevil) J. Jioni Palmer, this
column so enraged the Orientation Persons that they refused to hand
out copies of the Bruin at the early Orientation sessions this
summer. (If you happened to attend one of these sessions, I have a
large backlog of those papers in my closet. Come visit me on the
Kerckhoff patio and we’ll work something out.) Point? It seems that
if you just take yourself (and your summer job) way too seriously,
then even people who are trying to amuse you can piss you off.
I share that story mainly because it’s a good story and I enjoy
telling it, but also because it provides us with a lovely lead-in
for today’s Column Topic. "How so?" you ask. "Read on and you will
see," I answer.
Today, in a half-hearted attempt to make peace with those who
were angered by my last offering, I will provide a list of some of
my Favorite Official UCLA Campus Organizations/Institutions and the
reasons why I love them (lest anyone begin to think of me as an
angst-filled firestarter). For those of you who are new to the
campus, consider it a public service. Bruin faithful, consider it a
gentle reminder of all the amenities that come with attending an
overcrowded major public university. Me? I’ll consider it all in a
day’s work.
First and foremost (I hope you all saw this coming), I’d like to
praise the mastermind (or group of masterminds) behind the new
Bruincard. Sure, the old student ID cards served UCLA students
faithfully and without issue for the past 78 years (go ahead and
check the math, science majors), but spending all day in line
waiting to have a new ID photo taken is a great way to get to know
the people of your class. And who knows – some of the people you
see on Recarding Day may actually be present with you when it comes
time to graduate.
Another group that deserves to be on every Bruin’s "Thanks for
Existing" list is UCLA Parking Enforcement. Those folks work
tirelessly (even in the rain) to ensure that we Bruins adhere to
even the most meaningless of parking regulations. (Yes, I’m proud
to admit that they found my car illegally parked in the rain on the
first day of classes. But I stand proud, because if anyone deserves
another $40 of my hard-earned cash, it’s the Parking People.
Unfortunately, it’s often the behind-the-scenes people who need
to be recognized most. For example, we needn’t forget the Campus
Construction Chiefs who indefinitely closed Bruin Walk last year
and who replaced the paved paths between Kerckhoff and Powell with
easy-to-maintain multi-sided bricks this summer. I (for one) am
always looking for newer (and slower) ways to reach my destinations
on campus, and the construction folks rarely leave me any
choice.
Personally, I’ve always been a huge fan of the UCLA Orientation
Staff and the service they provide. Sure, some would say that it’s
cruel to repeatedly and intentionally mislead incoming freshman,
but come on. The Orientation Staff can take a joke, and so can you.
Good for them, I say. (Note to self – paragraph on Orientation
Group sounds overly bitter and sarcastic. Be sure to remove it
before column goes to press.)
Lastly, I’d like to bid a fond thank you, hello, and welcome to
the new voice on URSA. Heaven knows that no one (especially me) was
in love with the old URSA lady, so why not add a new, strange,
frightening voice to the mix?
Bastardize away, that’s what I say. Let’s see how many voices we
can possibly add to the once-sacred institution that is URSA. To
hell with tradition.
Now come on. Any guy who would devote his precious column space
to thanking the un-thanked and recognizing the un-recognized can’t
be all bad, right? (UCLA Orientation People in the back, I can’t
hear you!) "Right."
Hopefully these thoughts eased your transition back into the new
year; it is good to be back, no? If you wish to express your
gratitude to the any of the groups on this list but you just don’t
know who to call, do what any self respecting Bruin would do (heck,
do what I do) – call Chancellor Carnesale.
Justin Horey