Wednesday, October 22, 1997
Would you date the Borg Queen?
Attractiveness of far-out character is matter of personal
taste
There are some depths of geekiness to which I will not sink.
True, I did in another chapter of my life play Dungeons and
Dragons. True, many years ago I did own a Doctor Who scarf (in New
York, in the winter, so that’s kind of reasonable, don’t you
think?). And yes, I did buy several CDs by They Might Be Giants.
But all of that was a long time ago. I’m a different man now. Now
I’m a suave, cosmopolitan man of the world. I’ve changed. No, I
really have.
Moreover, even at my worst, even at my most abjectly geeky,
there were some things I never, ever did. I never wore a Star Trek
uniform. I did know people who wore Star Trek uniforms, true, but I
never put one on myself. OK, yes, I did once go to a party where
"Star Trek" uniforms were worn. When I saw what was happening, I
left. I did not hold a phaser. There have been rumors, but no one
has ever been able to prove anything. I do not know the names of
any episodes of Star Trek. I’ve seen, maybe, six or seven episodes
of the Next Generation. And I do not, repeat, I do not find the
Borg Queen attractive. You know, the Borg Queen from the last Star
Trek movie.
She’s the leader of the Borg, the evil race of cyborg aliens who
are out to assimilate the human race into their filthy cyborg
ways.
Now, the whole issue would never have occurred to me,except that
a friend of mine, whom I’ll call Mr. Kim, talked about her first
after he saw the movie. "You have to see the Borg Queen! She’s a
babe!" said Mr. Kim. After he described what she looked like, I
thought that particular attraction was a liiittle strange.
I thought no more about it until I read a review of the movie in
L.A. Weekly. The reviewer specifically stated that the Borg Queen
gave him – I think his exact words were "a great big woody." Well,
it’s L.A. Weekly, and that’s what their movie reviews are like. So
then I thought, this is probably just a fluke! Then some of my
colleagues in the department got into an argument over B.Q. I now
realized that there are two kinds of men in the world: those who
are attracted to the Borg Queen and those who aren’t.
So then a while later, it was a Saturday night, and, um, I had
nothing to do, and nothing else good was playing in Westwood, and,
um, well, you know.
As played by Alice Krige, the Borg Queen has pasty-white skin, a
totally bald head, and gorgeous bee-stung lips.
That’s right – like Sinead O’Connor, only with tubes and wires
sticking out of her head. And an off-the-shoulder black leather
jumpsuit! Ooh baby! But I do not find her attractive. I don’t.
The first time we meet the Borg Queen, her head is detached from
her body. Her metallic spine hangs down underneath her head and
squiggles like a fish. It’s a cool special effect, but I can’t
think of any use for a detachable head (OK, just as I was writing
this, a possible use did occur to me, but we’ll just skip over that
and move on). Anyway, she’s talking the whole time, telling Data
how bad the Borg are and how they’re going to kick the human race’s
ass. Then they attach her head to her body.
Now, I’ll admit the upgradeable body thing is a possible selling
point. Let’s say you’re going out with a girl, you like her
personality, but her body could use a little work.
Who among us has not been in this situation? But if she were a
Borg, you could say, "Honey, could you switch to your other body?
You know, the one with smaller thighs?"
But then there’s the pipes in her head. Yes, I know guys who are
kind of intrigued by girls with belly button rings or something
like that. That’s true. But for me – of course this is just my
opinion – but personally I think that when a woman has a six-inch
air duct coming out of her skull, it’s kind of a turnoff. I mean,
if you were making out with her, you might, I don’t know, turn a
valve or something, and who knows what could happen? Like, you’re
making out, you accidentally turn a valve, and steam starts
shooting out her ears. It’s been years since I dated a girl who did
that.
During the course of the movie, B.Q. seduces Data, which is
impressive, considering that he’s an android. Oh, and we also learn
that she had seduced Captain Picard back when he’d been captured by
the Borg. Geez, the men on the Enterprise are so easy.
What is this thing where men are attracted to girls who are bad?
I can understand being attracted to girls who are a little bad,
like if they drink tequila or go skinny-dipping or something. But
you have to draw the line somewhere. I don’t think it’s right to
date a girl who’s planning to destroy the human race, I mean,
unless she’s really hot.
Still, after I saw the movie, I could understand why Mr.Kim
wanted B.Q. to, um, assimilate him. Not my type, definitely not my
type; but if you knew Mr. Kim, you’d see it makes sense.
Mr. Kim is attracted to skinny, pasty-faced white girls who play
the guitar and look like they’ve suffered. He likes pale girls who
dress all in black and look as if they live in a garret and
scribble poetry. He goes on about Alanis Morissette and Sophie B.
Hawkins, and owns every CD put out by pasty-faced angst-ridden
female singers and songwriters in the last decade. Quick, somebody
give the Borg Queen a guitar — she’ll fit right in on KROQ.
OK, sure, I had my Suzanne Vega phase, but that was a long time
ago; I’m over it now.
So anyway, I am not attracted to the Borg Queen. It’s just that
I think Alice Krige is a talented actress, and I hope to see her in
other movies in the future. She just needs to grow her hair out.
And get a tan. And have a plastic surgeon do something about the
pipes in her head.