Thursday, October 23, 1997
Colleges beware: coaches’ threats to leave veil true
extortionist skills
COLUMN: Maybe therapy can help Cal’s Braun cope with his measly
$520,000
Therapist: "Everyone, we have a new member in our group today;
why don’t you stand up and introduce yourself?"
B.B.: "Hi, everybody. My name is Ben Braun, and I’m an
extortionist."
Group: "Hi, Ben!"
Therapist: "Ben is here because, like the rest of you, he
realizes that what he is doing is wrong, and he wants to stop."
I took a big step recently.
You see, I have a problem: for the past few years, I’ve been
shaking down Girl Scouts for their cookie money and Thin Mints
(love those things!).
I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed
help. I needed the support and encouragement of someone who had
been there before and knew the suffering I know. That’s why I went
down to the local meeting of Extortionists Anonymous this past
Friday.
EA is a 12-step program in the tradition of such well known
American standards as Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous
and "The Chevy Chase Show"-Watchers Anonymous (those poor, sick
bastards).
Little did I know the type of reprehensible animals I was going
to expose myself to: mafiosos, pimps, Murphy Hall administrators.
But the worst, the lowest of the low, the ones it turned my stomach
to look at, were the college basketball coaches.
Dear God, are there more loathsome creatures anywhere?
Now, to be fair, the sorry lot that sat across from me in the
"share circle" last weekend were not representative of their
occupation as a whole. To be sure, there were no Division 3 or NAIA
coaches at the meeting; this was a strictly 1A bunch.
Nor were there many from the traditional powerhouses: UCLA,
North Carolina and the like. Such a prized coaching position
doesn’t jibe well with the ME (modus extortorandai) favored by
these degenerates. That is, unless a pro team gets involved (see
Rick Pitino and New Jersey last year).
No, for the most part the bandits in question were from
middle-of-the-road schools, the kind that make a tournament
appearance every few years, but rarely breach the Sweet 16. You
know, the Cals, New Mexicos and South Western Central Wisconsins of
the world.
At this point I guess something more should be said about the
method of operations I mentioned a little way back, a method which
has been working so effectively recently.
In the initial stages, it relies on outside forces: Another
coach at a more glamourous school either retires or gets the
boot.
Then, as the rumors fly regarding who will replace him, our
larcenous coach, who has had some recent success with his mediocre
team, simply remains quiet, doing nothing to deny his interest in
the position. If he is truly scandalous, he hints at an interest in
the post: "It’s an honor to be considered" and "I’m going to have
to do some deep soul-searching" are typical comments.
With students and alumni running scared, the coach’s current
school is flooded with calls demanding they do whatever it takes to
keep him: a raise, a contract extension, sacrificial virgins,
anything.
That’s when he makes his move. Save your daughters: For a mere
doubling of his salary (a pittance, surely) and/or a few extra
years on his contract, he will publicly withdraw his name from
consideration by Kentucky, Louisville or whoever.
Forced to choose between sacrificing their principles and facing
the anger of backers should they slide back into basketball
obscurity, the school’s administrators have no choice but to give
in to the demands.
It’s blackmail elevated to an art form. Or an athletic form.
Blackmail with a 42-inch vertical.
Like me, one of these athletic blackmailers was also new to EA
last Friday. Ben Braun, Cal’s head coach, had just pulled out of
the running for the Michigan job after (surprise, surprise!) the
school renegotiated his contract.
Braun led the Bears to the Sweet 16 last season (his first)
while earning $235,000. As a result, in July the school gave him a
raise to about $520,000 per year and added two years to his
contract; securing him, so they thought, until after the 2002-03
season.
Then Michigan fired Steve Fischer, and Braun, the former coach
at Eastern Michigan, kept popping up as the leading candidate.
Apparently Cal got off easy. Terms of the deal were not
released, put it is believed in this case that the masked man with
the emotional gun to their heads only made off with a two-year
extension. That’s peanuts in this kind of heist.
Maybe some of the others in our group should teach him a thing
or two about wringing out every last penny from a stingy
university.
Or maybe, just maybe, there is hope for Ben Braun. Maybe there’s
hope for them all.
Remember, fellas, admitting that you have a problem is the first
step toward a cure.
Kariakin finds it an honor to be considered for the Los Angeles
Times position and is going to have to do some deep soul-searching
before he makes a decision. Contract revisions may be e-mailed to
[email protected].