Monday, October 27, 1997
Men should look within to end sexism
SEXISM: Women must be given due respect, men must change
assumptions
Sexism still plagues our culture today. Though we have made
significant strides forward with gender equality issues, there is
still much to be done. What can we do? More specifically, what can
we men do?
I have often heard women feminists criticize other women. Many
women feminists would agree that women should be concerned about
how they conduct themselves in public. Many women feminists would
say that when women go to a party, they should be aware of what
they wear.
Though women feminists tell women these things, as men, it is
not our place to tell women these things. We can only advise them;
they decide whether to listen. It is our place, however, to tell
other men what to do and to approve or disapprove of the
disrespectful manner with which we and our brothers conduct
ourselves.
What we men must continually remind ourselves is that this
society caters to us. This society is a male-dominated society; so
long as we men do not take a conscious, active role in changing our
society and our culture so that it meets the needs of women as well
as men. If we fail to take this role, then we too are oppressing
our mothers, our sisters, our wives and our daughters. Being men,
we are inherently different from our sisters, and so there are
things that we as men can do, that our sisters cannot do, to end
sexism. It is for this reason that we men must focus on ourselves
and what we can do to end sexism.
Back in high school, there was one girl to whom I often said, "I
love you." I didn’t love her, and she knew that I didn’t, but it
was how we playfully greeted each other. One afternoon, as I was
walking to my car, we began to playfully flirt as we always did.
Another boy approached us and told me to leave. I figured the guy
was having a bad day and so I began heading toward my car again. I
waved goodbye to my friend and told her that I loved her – of
course I did not mean it.
Not a second after the last word came out of my mouth did the
boy who approached us give me a good shove with both of his hands.
"Leave!" he said to me pointing in the general direction I was
walking. I was somewhat shocked. His face was a visage of anger.
Mine held a frown of confusion. Why was he so mad at me? The next
day I had learned that the boy was in fact my friend’s
boyfriend.
I told the story to another friend, also a girl (most of my
friends are women), let’s call her Oi. She asked me, "and the girl
didn’t do anything about it?" When I told the story, what I
remembered the most was the fellow who seemed ready to strike me –
I didn’t think much about his girlfriend. I told my friend that
"the girl" didn’t do anything about it. "What a bitch!" declared
Oi.
The problem with the jealous boyfriend, as I see it, is that he
was violent. As men, we are socialized to be violent and
aggressive. Often we have heard from men and women, "Don’t be such
a girl" or "Don’t be so girly" or "Don’t be such a wimp." I have
never ever heard from another man, "Don’t be such a man" or "Don’t
be so manly" or "Don’t be such a tough guy." We men must realize
that it is not in our blood to be violent. We men must challenge
the lie that men are naturally violent and women are naturally
peaceful. So long as we believe that we are somehow more aggressive
than women, then we are promoting violence against ourselves and
against women. When we live with such a violent mentality, it
should be of no surprise that some husbands beat their wives.
Some months ago, here, I was in the Sproul Hall entertainment
lounge on a weekend night watching television. There was a
made-for-TV movie on. I forget the title, but it was about this
woman who steals another woman’s husband. Two women were sitting in
front of me, also watching the television. Every time the woman
took another step to getting the married man, they said, "She’s
such a bitch."
There is a rampant double standard in the way we view men’s
sexuality and women’s sexuality. When a man enjoys having sex, and
has a lot of it, he is considered a stud, a real man, a champion;
or he is brushed aside as just being a typical man. When a woman
enjoys having sex, and has a lot of it, she is considered a slut, a
skank, a whore. Both men and women feel that girls should be prim
and proper.
Men expect, accept and even encourage other men to be crude,
vulgar and macho; women also expect men to be this way. We must
challenge the lie that men are vulgar and women are pure. We must
expect a higher standard from men. Sensitive, caring, and peaceful
men should be the norm.
This is the challenge I extend to my brothers: Look inside
yourself and end your sexist behavior. We must conduct ourselves
with respect and dignity when we are in the company of women and in
the company of ourselves. Brothers, when we see a woman (a sister,
a mother, a wife, a daughter), do we lust after her in our minds?
When we fantasize about having sex with her or wonder how far we
could get with her, we are disrespecting and violating her. When we
are in the company of our brothers and we invite them to join in
our disrespect or ask our brothers whether or not they desire her
as well, then we are not harmlessly joking, we are committing grave
harm. When we speak with each other about a woman in terms of how
her body might give us pleasure we harm her.
Every time our sister goes to class, some of our brothers say
those same harmful things about her. Whenever our mother goes to
work, some of our brothers fantasize about her. The next time our
daughter goes to the gym some of our brothers disrespect her. When
our wife steps outside, some of our brothers violate her. I am not
saying that women should forever be enclosed to avoid being
violated. I am not saying that men can’t compliment women on their
physical beauty. I am saying that our wives, daughters, mothers,
sisters and friends have the right to be free of slander,
disrespect, and violation.
We men must move beyond the lie that "boys will be boys," for so
long as boys will be boys, we will never be men.