Monday, November 10, 1997
Fun-filled quiz puts campus to test after midterm blues
QUIZ: Cramming drives columnist to ponder meaning of life,
thought-provoking questions
Seventh week. For most Bruins (save for a few miserable science
majors), seventh week signals the end of midterms and the beginning
of the search for meaning and purpose in life. (What else besides
the search for meaning and purpose would bring you to Viewpoint
this fine day?) I am well aware of the post-midterm letdown that
many UCLA students feel, and luckily, I have a remedy.
I considered writing a column filled with fun seventh week
activities to keep the misguided masses of our campus (read: you,
the reader) entertained until finals week, but that column quickly
began to resemble a forwarded e-mail.
No, I have better plans for you. I have prepared, for your
reading pleasure, Justin Horey’s Daily Bruin Viewpoint Quiz.
I’m sure some of you will recall my last column in which I
proposed interview questions for our new chancellor. Unfortunately,
reading that column provides you with little (if any) advantage on
today’s quiz. But that’s OK. I was tempted to promote this column
as a post-midterm midterm, but then it came to my attention that
the quiz you are about to take resembles the quizzes they give in
Seventeen magazine more than it does a midterm.
Are you ready? Some of these questions will require that you
circle the correct response, others will be graded on what we call
"the Honor System." (Fellow psych majors, put those #2 pencils away
– the Daily Bruin is not a Scantron.)
Wait! Before we actually begin, I must address my skeptics
(there’s always one.). I know, some of you are saying, "I don’t
have time for this crap, you skinny white jackass," but trust me,
you do. You will be handsomely rewarded for your participation, so
I suggest you continue. Got that? Good. Let’s begin with the "Honor
System" portion of our quiz.
1: Give yourself one point if you can recall one headline (any
one headline) from anywhere in today’s Daily Bruin besides
Viewpoint.
2: Hell, give yourself a point if you know that sections other
than Viewpoint even exist in The Bruin.
3: Give yourself five points if you can name one. (Hint: "the
front" is not a section.)
4: Give yourself one point if something you read in Viewpoint
today made you roll your eyes.
5: Give yourself five points if you have ever read Viewpoint
without rolling your eyes.
6: Give yourself one point if you received more than three
pieces of literature (propaganda) on your way to class today.
7: Add two points if one of those flyers says "Jews for Jesus"
on the back.
8: Subtract a point if one of them says "Calpirg" or "USAC"
anywhere on it.
9: Give yourself one point if you press the pound sign (#) on
your phone after every number you dial.
10: Give yourself five points if you didn’t get that last joke
because you’ve never called URSA in your life and you add all of
your classes during 10th week every quarter by going to Murphy Hall
and crying like a nine-year-old girl.
11: Give yourself five points if you’ve ever actually met the
URSA lady.
12: Give yourself one point if you can find a Sperm and Egg
Donor ad in today’s Daily Bruin.
13: Subtract five points if you have ever seriously considered
calling the number in that ad.
14: Add five points if you are the result of someone calling the
number in that ad.
15: Give yourself one point if the route you took to class on
the first day of this quarter has since been closed off.
16: Give yourself five points if the friendly campus
construction folks have forced you to change your dorm/apartment to
class route more than once this quarter.
17: Give yourself 10 points if you ever in your wildest dreams
think you will set foot in that damn Tom Bradley International
Student Center.
How’s everybody doing so far? North Campus majors, are you still
with me? (I know the math is a lot – I should’ve suggested getting
out a sheet of scratch paper.) Fear not, North Campusers, for now
it’s on to the multiple choice half of the quiz. (Circle the best
answer – each correct answer is worth two points.)
18: Albert Carnesale is …
A) UCLA’s new chancellor.
B) your Com 10 professor.
C) the guy who puts that Sperm and Egg Donor ad in The Bruin
every day.
D) a really funny name – I hope that isn’t a real person.
19: The Daily Bruin …
A) is too liberal- where are the conservatives?
B) is a waste of innocent trees.
C) is a waste of mostly recycled paper.
D) should have more crosswords and less, well, less of
everything else.
20: USAC …
A) is run by a bunch of Nike-hating extremists.
B) spends too much money on flyers and not enough on beer!
C) is URSA’s illegitimate son.
D) is a common put-down among college men.
21: Steve Lavin is …
A) UCLA’s men’s basketball coach.
B) having a bad hair day (again).
C) Justin Horey’s real dad.
D) Albert Carnesale’s real dad.
22: UCLA’s men’s basketball team…
A) friggin’ rules! Let’s get an 8-clap going!
B) is screwed (sorry, Toby and JR).
C) is screwed (sorry, Toby and JR).
D) is screwed (sorry, Toby and JR).
23: My favorite Viewpoint columnist is…
A) Justin Horey.
B) Justin Horey.
C) Justin Horey.
D) oh, there’s more than one?
24: Selling alcohol to minors…
A) is wrong.
B) is illegal.
C) is illegal?
D) is a lucrative business in Westwood village.
25: The new BruinCards…
A) are a sign of the apocalypse.
B) are more trouble than they’re worth.
C) were a great way to get lots of free Sparkletts water.
D) would fit nicely up AT&T’s collective ass.
Well, that seems like a good place to end our little quiz. Take
a minute now to add up your score; the correct answers to the
multiple choice questions are hidden in the crossword. If you
actually took the time to complete this quiz, you deserve (as
promised) to be rewarded. Feel free to pick up your commemorative
t- shirt at any of the many credit card application booths on
campus. And have yourself a spectacular day.
Justin Horey