Monday, November 24, 1997
Read all about shocking secret truths of UCLA
EXPOSÉ:
Columnist discovers astounding revelation of evil behind
seemingly-harmless campus institutions
Happy almost Thanksgiving, Bruins, and welcome to ninth week.
(Hang in there, first-years; two days from now you’ll be safe at
home.) This being Thanksgiving week, I thought the obvious column
to pick would be "What I’m thankful for at UCLA," but (like the
genius boy that I am) I blew that column back in first week. Of
course, I considered re-running that column because few people had
made a habit of reading The Bruin that early in the quarter and I
figured no one (save for maybe my mom and our esteemed Viewpoint
editors) would notice, but I have my dignity, so I composed the
all-new column that you now hold in your hot little Bruin paw.
You’re welcome.
However, before I begin my column this week, I really feel like
I should take a minute to say:
A) That’s right, Trojans!! Seven in a row. You losers might as
well just take off the last week of the season from now on and use
the time to begin your Christmas shopping early. You suck!
B) Well, we suck. Who expected that we’d lose to those suckers
this year, after beating them year after year when they should have
spanked us? (But it’s OK, right? Nobody really wants to drive all
the way to Pasadena on New Year’s Day, anyway. Right? Right?)
Well, good. I’m glad we got that out of the way early. What a
game, huh? I can’t believe it turned out how it did after what
happened earlier in the game. Who-ee! (Did someone say, "Cut the
crap and get to the column?" Let’s.)
Granted, this is difficult to believe, but in the past I have
been accused of writing senseless, substanceless columns (despite
my steadfast efforts to produce columns that are chock-full of
valuable information). Today I will answer those criticisms by
printing what we in journalism (and I use the term loosely) refer
to as an exposé.
This exposé, however, will be different from any you may
have read in the past, because today I will be exposing the evils
behind a number of campus personalities and institutions.
Surprised? Don’t be. Intrigued? Do be. Very much. (I originally
planned to shed light on nine different subjects in honor of ninth
week, but investigative reporting takes more column inches than I
imagined, so I had to scale back.)
The exposés you are about to read are based on my own
extensive research, so you know they’re reliable. (research: to sit
in one’s apartment and make up crap about people one has never met
for the purpose of writing a newspaper column.)
I hate to do this, but I have to begin my list of campus
exposés with a revelation about URSA. My beloved URSA has sunk
to the lowest of lows. She’s tried to hide her secret, but it shall
hide no more: URSA is on the internet. Sure, listen to the thugs in
Murphy Hall when they tell you that the URSA web site will give you
a DPR and a copy of your study list, but we all know that you’re
going to see more of URSA than you ever thought possible if you go
surfing to www.ursa.ucla.edu.
Call me a cynic, but I had a hard time believing that the Joe
Bruin statue in front of Ackerman was covered last week for fear
that crazed USC students would paint him red and gold. Well, guess
what? I was right to be cynical.
Last week’s giant UCLA tarp was a convenient cover-up to hide
Joe Bruin’s cosmetic surgery. Go ahead- look for yourself and see
if Joe isn’t a little thinner and a little less wrinkled than you
remember. (It’s a sad, sad world we live in.)
Clearly I am new to this world of investigative reporting, but
even I know that if an exposé is going to be worth the
recycled paper it’s printed on then it has to hit hard. That’s why
I went right to the top to investigate your chancellor and mine,
Albert "Big Al" Carnesale. After much extensive investigation I
learned that Mr. Carnesale (gasp!) did not graduate from UCLA, and
(double gasp!) to top it all off, he’s old.
The revelation about Mr. Carnesale got me wondering about our
former chancellor, Charles "Chuck D" Young, so I looked into his
chancellorial background, as well.
According to my sources (who shall remain nameless since they
don’t actually "exist"), Young (much like Big Al Carnesale) is very
old. In fact, Young is even older than Carnesale, and that’s why he
left us with Al.
I know much of this news is quite shocking, but I am committed
to making the truth about this campus known, so (like an artificial
fingernail) I will press on.
Investigative reporting often tells you things you didn’t want
to know, and this next piece of information is an excellent
example. In my research I learned that our university is over-run
with bribery, and (what’s worse) that it is university policy to
reward this bribery. Pay money to the university, get a building
named after you. (Come on, did you think they called it "Rieber"
because that word has such a sweet ring to it?) Discontinue your
bribery, and your name comes off your building  just ask the
Griffins of Sunset (formerly Griffin) Commons.
Oh, the corruption is everywhere, my friends. Corruption and
deception permeate our campus, and it even infiltrates our sports
department. (Deny it all you want, but it’s true.) Case in point?
Men’s basketball coach Steve Lavin. Many people believe he has the
power to coach the UCLA basketball squad (if complete) to a
national championship, but did you know that Mr. Lavin himself is
not a great basketball player? Oh, it’s true. He turned to coaching
only after it became evident that he wouldn’t make it as a player.
And, as if that weren’t bad enough, many of his players do not pay
their reg fees. These players also frequently fail to pay their
housing fees, and citing some legal term known as a "scholarship,"
they attempt to justify themselves. Are you outraged yet? It gets
worse. If Mr. Lavin’s friends miss class, they are eligible to
receive free tutoring.
Yes indeed, it appears that our beloved UCLA is drowning in a
sea of its own corruption. You can deny it all you want (believe
me, I tried) but this little Westwood community is not always what
it seems. I know that I feel better about myself after revealing
the truth about our campus, but if after reading it you can’t bring
yourself to give thanks for UCLA, feel free to go ahead and give
thanks for me, your Viewpoint pal. Have a great Thanksgiving and
good luck on finals.