Thursday, January 22, 1998
Prioritize your Sunday: watch Super Bowl commercials
COLUMN: More suspense will come from breaks than actual game
play
Sunday is the big day.
After months of waiting and wondering, the big moment is about
to arrive: the Super Bowl commercials are four days away.
Oh, come now … you aren’t actually going to watch for the
game, are you? This is the Super Bowl, which means the coin toss
should be more exciting than the game itself.
Not me. I’ve got my priorities straight. I grab snacks and hit
the head during the game, so I can make sure I’m back in time for
the entertaining part.
This year there are going to be 53 paid commercials on NBC’s
telecast, and you can be sure that a good number of these will
feature your favorite sports heroes.
They’ll be hawking everything from shoes and underwear to hot
dogs and batteries, and that’s just Michael Jordan. Athletes on
screen will be almost as numerous during timeouts as they will
during the game.
But what about the endorsements that don’t happen? The following
is a list of commercials that probably wouldn’t (and probably
shouldn’t, happen), but that you would have to love to see
nonetheless.
* * *
In the closing moments of the big game, Dan Marino is driving
his team toward the endzone and another come-from-behind win. He
takes the snap, drops back and is suddenly aware of the entire
Pittsburgh Steeler linebacking corps bearing down on him. Seeing no
chance for escape, Marino’s face flashes complete terror, and he
loses control of his bodily functions before being leveled.
Moments later, as Greg Lloyd jumps off the barely conscious
quarterback, holding his nose and waving his other hand in front of
his face, the announcer chimes in with the catch-phrase: "Avoid an
all-out blitz on your shorts; wear Depends."
* * *
Michael Irvin for local late-night TV lawyer Larry H. Parker.
"Larry H. Parker got me probation and community service."
"I’ll fight for you!" (For Bay Area readers, just imagine the
guy from The People’s Lawyer.)
* * *
Barry Switzer for unemployment insurance. (Heh, heh, heh.
Sucker.)
* * *
Steve Lavin: "The life of a big-time college basketball coach is
stressful. It’s a hectic, go-go-go existence, and there’s precious
little time to stop and fix your hair. That’s where new Right Guard
Plus comes in: it’s a deodorant plus conditioner in one.
"Utilizing new technology developed by Dupont, makers of
Wisk(TM), moisture is actually transferred from the armpit to the
head, keeping hair follicles properly greased.
"Now, personal grooming is no sweat. Thanks, Right Guard."
* * *
A group of pro hockey players for 1-800-DENTIST.
* * *
Shea Cotton for The Princeton Review. "We guarantee your scores
will improve so much, you won’t believe it. And neither will the
NCAA."
* * *
Filipe Lopez for the Federal Witness Protection Program, because
he must have had some help in order to disappear the way he did.
"Remember me, I used to be the next Michael Jordan. Now I’m not
even the best player on my own team (St. John’s, in case no one
remembers)."
* * *
"Is that his real color, or is it Clairol? Only Mr. Rodman’s
hair-stylist knows for sure."
* * *
Jim Harrick: "Here at Monty’s Restaurant in Westwood, you can
enjoy old-fashioned Italian cuisine in a comfortable atmosphere
suitable for Caesar.
"Every effort has been made to ensure your enjoyment, so just
toss the valet the keys to your chariot (on screen, Harrick hands
over the keys to the Ford Bronco he has just arrived in), and head
for the heavens."
In the elevator: "The ride up Mount Olympus was never this
smooth."
The doors open, and Harrick joins his dinner companions:
"Friends, Bruins, players … lend me your appetites." Laughter
from the group.
"So come to Monty’s, and mangino, amici.
"Come in this week, and two members of your group eat free with
a party of five or more."
* * *
New this fall from Victoria’s Secret: the Marv Albert
Collection. ‘For the man with discriminating tastes, who enjoys
taking a bite out of life … and other people."
* * *
And just for the hell of it, Brett Favre for Vicodin(TM).