Wednesday, January 28, 1998
Breaking up is hard to do
RELATIONSHIPS Only with perseverance can one find a soul
mate
By Alon Frydman
Amid the linger of smoke, our eyes scan the room. Dodging the
calls of drinks to the tender and shutting out the booming of the
speakers, our attention is drawn toward one another. Overcoming the
nervousness of initiation, we meet and exchange words as our minds
try to focus on separating the words we say from our intentions.
The pen draws its ink, forming the numbers we both intend to use as
soon as appropriate, so that "we can do this again sometime."
Having gone out a couple times it seems that we’re made for each
other. We have our moments, some good, some bad, but most of all we
have our time spent. We continue but now we have grown closer.
Between the feedings of our insatiable urges we would sit and talk,
some conversations holding in them the most delicate of subjects,
others mere words that served as an excuse to look straight into
each other’s eyes. In those moments we found some comfort, some
solace from our everyday hassles, an escape. Every slow song that
played seemed to beg for us to either call it our own or to look
for similarities between the fantasy that it offered and the
reality we lived in. It’s nice to imagine that we’re in love, that
you take my breath away but we still breathe, and love is a word
easier said than experienced. Time passes and questions arise.
The questions that lingered from the start are now screaming. No
longer can we overlook those little things that bothered us, nor
can we ignore the basic differences that for some reason have
become important. Whether it be our characters that clash, the
directions of our lives that veer apart, the skin we were born into
or the sign we live by, there is no denying it. Some things we can
accept and some we deal with, but for some stupid reason something
is still different. Either way, we seem to have grown apart. You
have your reasons and I have mine.
Well, it seems mutual. Well, OK. OK. OK, that’s how it ends.
What exactly does OK mean? Does OK mean that I really don’t want
to, but that’s just the way fate has dealt the cards? Does it mean
OK, yeah, that sounds great, yippidy skippidy and I’m so happy now
that all of this is over? OK?
The words having past and the emotions on standby, now the
numbness is confused for our ability to "handle it." Soon after the
numbness passes denial tries to do its work, but that doesn’t last,
with emotions starting to sit heavy.
I sit staring into the nothingness. I wonder if you’re thinking
of me or if you’re out with someone else. I wonder if you feel the
same pain. Is your skin itching for some reason? Is your head hot
and your fingers cold, or is that just your heart?
We climbed up this mountain hoping to reach some peak; you
called it one thing, and I called it another. Either way, I thought
we could stay there together, but for some reason we’ve both
fallen.
Every day seems to be shorter as the sun sets behind the
mountain we climbed; now it’s colder, it’s dark, it’s lonely. When
I felt anything I went to you, but now I can’t. Never before have I
asked myself the same question without any hope of answering: Why?
Now the slow songs tease as the fantasy has no place with the
reality – ha! – "Am I ever gonna dance again?"
Am I the only one who feels like the whole world has been put
into slow motion? Why is everything so fuzzy? Everything is just
whatever. It seems that all will is gone; everything seems to have
lost its luster. If there’s one word to describe the world, it’s
dull. Sleep is calling more than usual, and the dreams make no
sense. The walls seem to close in and the air gets thicker with
every breath.
People say we should remember the good times; I remember your
laugher, but listen to the silence. We try to hold on to those
times, but now that we’ve gone our own ways it seems that no matter
what we remember it only brings us to more confusion. When the
confusion doesn’t make things blurry it’s the emptiness that takes
meaning away from everything. Purpose is lost.
Time, once again, does its trick. As time goes on, however slow
it feels, the emotions start to lose their effect. Tired is the
feeling that now seems to be the motto. Tired of feeling the
sorrow, tired of the depression. It’s gotten old. What was burned
could not be burned any further; everything has its limit. The
scars have healed but the scabs that are left seem to have changed
our attitudes completely. A promise has been made to never let this
happen again. A fear to face the pain again, a fear of opening up
to another.
Eventually, however, the barriers must be put down to allow some
emotion to flow through for someone else. It’s possible that the
flow can be draining, it’s possible that it’ll spring something of
worth. To be closed is to be safe, but to feel alive is to be
open.
A deal is reached and the opening is made slowly. Unfortunately,
it is hard to understand true happiness without first feeling true
pain. Pain should not be sought, yet the fact that genuine feelings
come with a cost should be understood. Appreciation seems to take
on more meaning when we realize it demands a comparison. There is
no good without bad, light without dark. Nevertheless, now you
understand, but you have nothing to do with the knowledge.
So now you know, now you’re a veteran and you’ve chalked up
another one on the board of experience. So what if the board is
full of chalk already? It’s not an excuse to give up. You’re sick
of the games, you’re not willing to go through it – well, get real.
The game is always there; it’s there because deep down inside
you’ve always depended on the game. Whether you use it, keep
yourself from stalking the person, get them to stalk you or build
up their image in your mind, you do use it. If there’s no
challenge, there’s no worth. The greatest prize is always the one
that’s the farthest off.
So what’s this special gas that keeps you going if you’re
already flat? It’s called confidence, it’s called patience, it’s
called luck, and most of all, it’s called hope. Someone is out
there; they just haven’t rear-ended you yet.
People will always pop in and out of our lives. Some stay longer
than others, some may seem to be perfect and make us think that
there isn’t anyone out there like them; well, that’s true. There is
only one of us, that’s what makes us special. As far as finding
someone who is as good or better than the next, it’s a matter of
perspective. To the man who starves, any meal is gold; for the man
who is full, any meal is old.
The pain has brought you to a new understanding, but it came
with a cost. You suffered, but not for nothing. You made mistakes,
but not for no one. Something caused you to look at yourself and
assess a period in your life, someone served as the excuse.
All is easier said than done, and trying to start over is always
hard – so what? The mountain is climbed because it poses a great
challenge and a great reward; it takes two to reach the top, and it
takes two to stay there. You never know what can happen the next
time you step into that smoke-filled room. Always remember: You can
"do this again sometime."