Monday, February 9, 1998
Happy days can be yours and mine
REJECTION Don’t let hesitation, fear of what could happen keep
you from asking someone out
By A.J. Harwin
Rejection. It’s that fear that keeps people from dating. Why do
we fear rejection, and why do we even think it can happen to
us?
Over the summer I was watching plenty of Happy Days and Wonder
Years reruns. And I thought to myself, how do dorks like Richie
Cunningham, Potsie, Ralph Malph and Paul Pfeiffer get women to go
out with them? Fonzie I understand, but these guys? They wouldn’t
last in Los Angeles these days.
Yes, I understand that television isn’t real, but the fact is
that these guys and the women who would go out with them had things
a lot easier back then. Going out with someone once was just that.
It could materialize into something more, or it could end with one
date. If you had a bad time, you never went out again.
But today, it’s pretty damn tough to go up to someone. There
have been many times when I’ve wanted to go up to someone but just
didn’t have the guts to do it. I’m just the invisible man in that
98 Degree song, and I’ve become so complacent to allow myself to
think that I’m "just a fool to believe, I have anything she
needs."
Today, so much is based on going out with someone just once. And
men and women have to meet the physical standards, whether you’re
their type. And the biggest problem is that some like tall, short,
skinny, muscular, fat, lots of hair, no hair, big chested, flat
chested … people are into different things. And somewhere along
the way comes personality, but at first glance, you don’t get much
more than a physical judgment.
After serious polling, here are the No. 1 reasons a woman – or
guy – will say no: "he or she looks like a dork." Obviously when
you go up to someone, you’re basing who they are on purely physical
reasons. At the same time, the person you go up to is looking at
you from a purely physical standpoint.
Some people say that beauty isn’t skin deep. I disagree – for
some people their beauty is only skin deep. And if that’s the only
reason you’re interested in someone, you’re not going to get very
far in life.
These days, going out with someone just once is a major ordeal.
Commonly, men develop little obsessions, and base their whole lives
on whether they actually go out with someone. Women just don’t
understand how much courage it takes to go up to someone while
sober. It’s tough, and rejection hurts. I’ve been told "no" once
before; OK, maybe twice. But if you wait, you’ll probably lose out
anyway. You’ve just got to take the chance.
There was this time in high school when I wanted to ask someone
to the homecoming dance. I called her on the phone, but I just
couldn’t get out, "Would you like to go to homecoming with me?" The
next morning at school, another guy asked her, and they’ve been
together for five years.
And it’s especially hard to go up to someone you don’t know. So
I’ve promised myself to just go up to anyone when I want to, and if
I embarrass myself, so what?
There was this girl around campus who had the most amazing glow
and presence. I had always wanted to approach her, but fear always
kept me back. What if she said no … but what if she said yes? So
I promised myself if I ever saw her again I’d go up to her.
Picture it: last summer, I saw her walking into the bookstore.
But I couldn’t gather the courage. A week later, I walked into
Kerckhoff, and she was drinking coffee. I walked in, I walked out.
I walked in again, and I walked out. I did this three more times.
Finally, I stood in line, as if I was there to buy something. She
was sitting at one of the tables by the piano. I sat down at the
table next to her.
After some soul or gut checking, I said to her quite honestly,
"Excuse me, I don’t mean to embarrass myself, but I wanted to
introduce myself. My name’s A.J."
Well, it ended up that she was seeing someone, but the truth
was, I really didn’t care. I was just happy that I tried. It was
something I wanted to prove to myself.
And then there is "the game," which I personally hate. You can’t
act too interested. Say you finally do ask someone out. Then you
have to wait a certain amount of time before you call. If this
person isn’t home, do you leave a message on the tape? And what if
you try to call a couple of times while she’s not home? With each
call the answering machine accumulates more messages. Then you have
to worry about whether she thinks you’re desperate – bad sign. And
you get star 69’d, at some odd hour of the night.
Finally, say you do get in touch with her. The following can
happen:
1. She’s on the other line.
2. She’s right out the door.
3. Her roommate’s on the other line
4. She talks to you.
No one is worth so much time and mental consumption.
The key is: don’t waste you’re life on the game. Women like to
play it. What’s interesting is that I read this column to a female
friend of mine. She was bummed out that it was four days since this
guy asked for her phone number. He hasn’t called, and she asked me
why. I told her it’s because men are stupid. We’ve been
conditioned, although we may not understand the game, that we must
play the game. We try to play along, even when we meet women who
are also tired of "the game." But if we as men reject it, maybe
they’ll get the idea.
It shouldn’t be so hard to ask someone out. Going out with
someone should just be to have a good time. If you have a good
time, maybe you’ll go out again. If not, it’s no big deal. Too many
people start picking out the wedding invitations before their first
date. It’s not worth the pain, it’s not worth the time. If they’re
too busy to go out with you, move on. No one is worth wasting your
time thinking about who’s not even giving you the time of day.
Do I listen to this advice? Hey, give me a break, I’m a stupid
guy. I try to practice what I preach. So here is the approach I
suggest to men and women – it may not work, but so what? It’s no
time or energy off your back. If you never go up to someone, you’ll
never get an answer. You’ve got nothing to lose. Don’t base your
life on one person, it’s just not worth it.
When it comes to asking someone out, it’s very difficult because
it’s like you’re laying yourself on the line, and there’s always
the fear of getting shot down. I know what it’s like to feel love,
and I know what it’s like to feel lonely. So in lieu of a bad date,
at least I may get to see a good movie. Valentine’s Day is coming
up, and I can give you at least one general statement – most men
and women do not want to be alone that day. So ask someone out.
That is, as long as you don’t ask the same person I plan to
ask.
The prophet Arthur Fonzarelli said it best … "When you’re
strolling down life’s highways, you don’t remember the strikeouts
… eyyhh … only the home runs."