Monday, February 9, 1998
Twelve fun-filled days of Valentine’s
VALENTINES No true love? UCLA overflows with fabulous gifts for
you
Creativity is a virtue. Unfortunately (for you, faithful
Viewpoint reader), virtuosity is not a requirement for Viewpoint
columnists (like myself). Today (as I’m sure many of you are well
aware) is the first day of fifth week, and fifth week brings with
it (that’s right) midterms. A creative (nay, virtuous) columnist
would take this opportunity to muse about midterms and perhaps even
write a column that touches on the subject in an intimate way. A
less virtuous columnist, however, would realize that (regardless of
midterms) Saturday is Valentine’s Day, and that a Valentine’s
column is a timely column (if not a creative one).
Now, before I come down too hard on myself (and persuade the
campus community to do the same), I should note on my own behalf
that since today is only the ninth of February, mine is (with good
reason) the first Valentine’s column of the new year. (I may not be
original, but at least I have the presence of mind to be the first
one out of the gate.) I’m like the drug store that starts putting
up Christmas decorations over Labor Day weekend, except I’m not for
sale, I’m not open all night, and I can’t legally prescribe
medication. (I am willing to try, though. "Forget medical school!
You need to pop some pills!") Come on; at least I’m more timely
than the guy who wrote about the Midnight Yell last week. (Which
reminds me: don’t miss my very special Fourth of July column, two
weeks from today!)
Valentine’s Day. For some it brings giggles and smiles and candy
and flowers. For some it brings trips to the candy store and the
flower store in order to provide the giggles and the smiles. (For
that "some," it also brings a lighter wallet.) And for some,
Valentine’s Day brings bitterness, anger, rage, loneliness,
paranoia and hives. (Go ahead, take a minute right now and check
your chest and your thighs. It’s OK, no one’s looking.)
How’d it go? Did you find any hives? If you did, then brother
(sister? friend?), this column is for you. (I may not be creative,
but I root for the underdog.)
Now, I know what you’re thinking: "Oh, he took the time to write
a column about how to get a Valentine if you don’t have one. How
sweet." You’re wrong. I’m sorry, but you are. This Valentine’s
column is not about the Valentine-less, but it is dedicated to
them. (Believe me, with a body like mine, I’ve spent the vast
majority of my 21 Valentine’s Days without a Valentine.)
I pride myself (among other things) on being somewhat of an
interactive columnist. (You may recall past columns which included
advice-giving, a proposed interview with the chancellor and even a
Viewpoint quiz.) In my own grand tradition of interactive columns,
I have penned a song. The interaction is up to you. You all know
the tune, it’s to "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Wherever you are,
take time to sing along with our very special Viewpoint song, "The
Twelve Days of Valentine’s." (I promise, your professors won’t
mind.)
A critical mind might point out that 14 days of Valentine’s
might be more appropriate (considering the holiday’s calendar
date), but that wouldn’t explain why our original song only has 12
days. There’s one day of Christmas (not 12 and eight of Hanukkah,
but I don’t see anybody besides Adam Sandler writing songs about
that). So keep your complaining to yourself and sing along. Go
ahead and warm up your vocal cords as you read the first 11 lines –
the complete song is written out at the end of the column.
Do-re-mi-fa-so-here-we-go …
On the first day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, an
open-mouthed guy staring at me (from the pages of Viewpoint, of
course). Is it egocentric to put myself in the first line of my
Valentine’s song? Perhaps.
On the second day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, two movie
passes ("for this Thursday night!"). Come on – those guys don’t
take time off for Valentine’s.
On the third day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, three
athletic scandals (and all just from the men’s basketball
team).
On the fourth day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, four
midterm exams. (Masochistic? Who, me? This is love, UCLA style, at
it’s finest.)
On the fifth day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, five weeks
of class (until it’s off to spring break, where you can vacation
alone because every other UC campus is back in school).
On the sixth day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, six parking
officers a-ticketing (my car, that is, after two hours and one
minute on Kelton Avenue).
On the seventh day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, seven
buildings a-closing (for seismic renovation, of course).
On the eighth day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, eight
hours a-waiting (in Murphy hall – where else? – to turn in that
late drop form).
On the ninth day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, nine
regents a-raising (my reg fees, to pay for the aforementioned
seismic renovations).
On the 10th day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, 10 minutes
a-registering (with my dear friend URSA, who is so popular that
she’s forced to limit her time with each and every one of us).
On the 11th day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, 11 frozen
freshmen (from Dykstra hall, where hot water and, well, heat in
general is considered a privilege).
Are you ready? Good. You’ve had time to warm up, and now it’s
time to sing. Let’s hear it, Bruins – start off this Valentine’s
season in style. 2, 3, 4 …
"On the 12th day of Valentine’s, my UCLA gave to me, 12 USAC
violations, 11 frozen freshmen, 10 minutes a-registering, nine
regents a-raising, eight hours a-waiting, seven buildings
a-closing, six parking officers a-ticketing, five weeks of class!
Four midterm exams, three athletic scandals, two movie passes, and
an open-mouthed guy staring at me."
Happy Valentine’s Day, Bruins. (I love you, Wendy.)
Justin Horey