Monday, March 2, 1998
Bamboozle your professor
PAPERS: Using big words and long, convoluted sentences
for no apparent reason may not be ethical per se,
but receiving a good grade for it from a draconian TA doesn’t
make you an evil, Machiavellian student
So you’re daydreaming in class, but unfortunately your friend
wakes you up just in time to find out about the term paper that’s
due at the end of the quarter. You might be able to pick up from
here after your nap, but you’ve daydreamed all quarter long – you
have no idea what’s going in this class.
Your term paper is due but you can’t write it. What are you
going to do? Ask your incredibly brilliant friend to help you,
right? You know, the friend who’s an intellectual Rainman. You can
ask him any little insignificant fact and he has the answer.
You ask him to tell you about gold and he says, "Gold is highly
malleable and ductile, and not subject to oxidation or corrosion.
On the periodic table of the elements, its symbol is Au. Its atomic
weight is 196.967 and its atomic number is 79." You know he wore
thick glasses when he was younger, but the switch to contact lenses
didn’t help much. Women don’t talk to him. He can’t get a date.
He’s a little insecure (but you’re not). And he’s brilliant, so
when he’s out in the real world, he’ll have a real job, making real
money, and all the women will flock to him.
You’re a little jealous of his intelligence and of course you
think using money and power to pick up women is wrong, even though
you are looking for a "soul mate" based on their physical
appearance. But that wouldn’t be as superficial as getting a date
because you’re rich, now would it? You don’t need his help though,
because success in this class is based on how well you can write a
paper, not on how good looking or how smart you are. How are you
going to do this? By using the right words, of course. That’s
obvious – but it’s the power words that make any paper sound
intelligent, even if you don’t have anything to say or have no idea
what you’re talking about.
Perhaps some of the most powerful words of all, a phrase that
you can use whenever you want to, is "per se." This is one of the
phrases that really doesn’t have any meaning, but will improve your
paper because words like "per se" will make you sound intelligent.
If you’re not sure how to use "per se" in an academic paper, here’s
an example: "The Graduation Record Examination is not merely a test
per se, but a strong indicator of one’s potential capacity to
succeed in graduate school."
And one of the most important abilities to have is the ability
to insult or disagree with someone without saying it to his or her
face. One of best ways to insult someone’s intelligence right off
is to use the words "obvious," "of course" or "self-evident,"
because what you’re saying is: "If you don’t get it, you’re
stupid." So, when you use them in a paper, for example, it sounds
something like this: "Such an argument is nothing more than an
incongruous malefaction, the corroborating points presented in the
aforementioned passages are self-evident and support the rational
integrity in believing in humanity’s clairvoyant connection with
nature."
All this means is: "People have a natural connection with nature
and can get along with the environment without destroying it, you
stupid idiot. You must be fool to think otherwise." And, if you
don’t believe that the word "self-evident" is powerful, remember
back to the colonial days, to a certain document named the
Declaration of Independence, and take a look at the beginning of
the second paragraph: "We hold these truths to be self-evident."
Translation: "Screw you King George. Love, the Colonists." And then
there are, of course, two magic words you should use sparingly. The
first one is "draconian." This word is usually used to describe
someone or a policy that is extremely severe, cruel or harsh.
Used in an academic paper, it sounds something like this: "The
said policy is nothing more than a draconian incantation that
obviously belittles the imperative nature of life’s pursuit of
self-aggrandizement through the acquisition of liquid currency."
Translation: "I want to make as much money as I can. Taxes are a
bad idea. The IRS should be outlawed."
The second word is "Machiavellian." This is someone or something
which is unscrupulously cunning and deceptive. Maybe you have
instructors who are like this. If that isn’t enough, here’s another
phrase that may come in handy: "The intrinsic value of such an
ideal strikes to the core of its identity and is integral to
present and future study." Translation: "That’s a good idea." And,
remember, as I’m sure you’ve heard, professors are paid by the
word. Not only are they paid by the word, but by the syllable. It’s
like a game of Scrabble: the longer the word, the more points you
get. And, of course, if you use an "X," you score more points than
if you use an "L."
One of the best X-words that’s popular right now is
xenophobia.
Xenophobia has two definitions, which makes it doubly useful.
The first definition is fear of strangers. I’m sure you have
friends that are xenophobic. You know, the type that goes to party
and won’t talk to anyone – they just walk around talking to
themselves, which makes them schizophrenic also. But hatred of
foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign is the second
definition. So this definition may be the best for the paper.
And if you really want to show off your mastery of the English
language you can make up your own words. You may think this isn’t
fair, but there is an unwritten rule among professors stating that
you may make up words whenever you want once you earn your
doctorate.
Tertiary seems to be one of those words that can’t possibly have
a meaning, so it must have been made up by a professor hundreds of
years ago. If you’re wondering what it means now, tertiary is
literally translated as "thirdiary." Yes, thirdiary. There’s
primary, secondary, and thirdiary or tertiary.
There’s one more for you. Now you may be thinking, "I already
know all these words." OK. I understand that UCLA is filled with
some of the most intelligent twentysomethings on Earth. So if
you’re skeptical, here’s the Porsche of writing tricks. It may cost
$100,000 (at grad school) to master it (and may even attract the
opposite sex), but for now it’ll at least get you an "A" on your
paper.
The secret is: cite yourself. You know what I’m talking about.
Cite yourself. Professors do it in their writing and some of them
even do it in their lectures.
For example: "Hill said, in a column published on March 2, that
the words required to join the pantheon of academia may mean
something per se, but in actuality may seem to be no more than
Machiavellian in nature, but at least you’ll get an ‘A.’"
But be warned, most people can tell the difference between fools
gold and the real thing – you don’t have to be Rainman to see that,
of course.
Spencer Hill