Tuesday, March 3, 1998
For the love of money
SOCIETY Those green bills are the motivating force behind
everything from getting married to admissions
Forget love. Money makes the world go round. Call me a cynic,
but I prefer to think of myself as a realist. From the time
toddlers are able to walk and comprehend the allure of a gumball
machine in a supermarket, money is the end-all be-all solution to
any problem. I can safely say that, in the end, absolutely
everything comes down to money. All of our actions, no matter how
considerate or altruistic, will be motivated by little green slips
of paper. Money talks and cow flop gets exported to Ohio, where a
bunch of good ol’ boys see who can throw it farthest in statewide
competitions.
After all of the ephemeral aspects of our actions are stripped
away, the underlying reason behind them has historically been
money. From the thousands of examples that I can think of, here are
but a few.
Modern medicine has a great debt to pay to old tobacco. In
virology, for example, the most well-known and thoroughly studied
virus is the one that causes tobacco mosaic disease. By studying
the microbe which can devastate prized crops, scientists working
for cigarette companies elucidated the structure and mechanisms of
a virus long before any of us knew what a protein capsid even was.
In addition, most of what we study in neurophysiology is based on
the junction between two neurons. Whereas other neurotransmitter
receptors are relatively obscure, scientists have exhaustively
studied nicotinic receptors, leaving no stone unturned. Much of
what I learn in my biology classes is a direct result of Phillip
Morris Inc. protecting its bottom line and developing a more
resilient and addictive tobacco plant.
Gay rights essentially boils down to money as well. Several
months ago, we had heated protests in front of Covel Commons, where
the latest UC Board of Regents meeting was taking place. Gay
activists were campaigning for the approval of domestic partner
benefits for gay and lesbian couples.
Ideally, granting partners benefits would bestow a sense of
equality to the gay community, but equality isn’t exactly what they
were after. "Benefits" is a far-reaching word. If a gay couple is
considered married in the eyes of the law, the monetary
ramifications would be remarkable. Married couples are taxed
substantially less than two people who would normally file
separately. In addition, having dependent children would qualify
the couple for further tax credits; doesn’t everyone remember the
hubbub over gay couples being able to adopt children? Finally, a
gay man would not have to pay for medical coverage if his partner,
who works for the UC system, has a policy which incorporates both
of them. Equality may be a welcome coincidence, but money is the
coveted prize.
Heterosexual couples aren’t exempt from the cash concept either.
Marriages, in general, are business arrangements. Love may
initially play a role in bringing two strangers together, but money
keeps them bound. As mentioned before, taxes are substantially less
when couples file together.
When couples reach their silver or golden anniversaries, they
don’t love each other anymore; they simply tolerate each other.
They stick with each other because the getting is good. What can I
do for you, and what can you do for me? When one partner cannot
uphold his or her end of the bargain, the marriage degenerates and
divorce follows soon after. Usually, the breadwinner doesn’t bring
home enough bread, and the cash concept goes into action.
Religion is another important part of life which falls prey to
money. Something so sanctified as organized religion surely would
be kept apart from the immoral world of finances. How many places
of worship don’t have the practice of passing around the collection
plate? The vileness of money conveniently disappears when they are
in need of it. My uncle once joked about the practice of Orthodox
churches closing a curtain around the altar during mass just as the
collection plates finished their tour of the pews; he claimed that
the men were counting the change inside while continuing with their
chanting. It may seem far-fetched, but I have yet been able to
disprove it.
The Church of Scientology, or $cientology, as its critics like
to write, is a prime example of the growing involvement of money
with religion. Not only does L. Ron Hubbard have a legacy of
millions of books sold and hundreds of celebrities brainwashed, his
minions have managed to make his church a recognized religion. So
what if this crackpot’s mode of worship has been recognized, you
ask? Being a federally recognized religion entails that the Church
of Scientology is tax-exempt; it does not have to declare its
earnings to the IRS or worry about paying any taxes on it. Does
this sort of privilege open possible doors of corruption and fraud
for the Church of Scientology and other organized religions?
Absolutely.
Other types of organizations have been spawned from monetary
fraud. The Branch Davidians, the Freemen and other separatist
groups are essentially wanted criminals. These people claim to be
upholding their rights as citizens against the encroachment of the
government. I had no idea that committing check fraud with several
different banks was a guaranteed protected right under the
constitution. Whether they be the Freemen charged with check fraud
and tax evasion, or the Branch Davidians charged with illegal
weapons possession, today’s freedom fighters are only one step away
from the likes of Charles Keating.
Politics is also a prime example of my point. Anything that ever
gets done in Congress is a result of logrolling and pork barreling.
For example, the construction of NASA would not have been realized
had it not been strategically placed in Texas. Everyone is familiar
with the famous phrase, "Houston, we have a problem," but no one
fully comprehends why NASA headquarters are located in Houston.
When President John F. Kennedy died, he left behind the legacy of
an unfinished space program. In order to complete the project,
Congress needed the support of President Lyndon B. Johnson, who, by
sheer coincidence, happened to be from Texas. Had Kennedy not died,
the flight crew on Apollo 13 would have probably said "Boston, we
have a problem."
Recently, when President Clinton came to rain-soaked Southern
California to declare several counties in need of federal emergency
aid, local residents cheered him. Were they happy that the
president deemed them special enough to be considered in an
emergency situation? They were instead happy about all of the money
which will be pouring out. Families will receive thousands of
dollars for declaring a crack in the wall, which can be remedied
with a $40 container of putty. Where there is a large purse, a
fleecing is sure to follow.
Finally, the best example of the cash concept is present on our
campus. Ask the thousands of students of South Campus why they are
pre-med students. Helping people and finding a cure for a ravaging
disease will top the list as reasons why these idealistic students
chose their path of study. What we will never hear, but always
understand, is that doctors make a phenomenally large amount of
money every year. Even with the looming policies of HMOs,
physicians can still make money hand over fist. Students wishing to
get into professional schools will be completely idealistic for the
duration of their interview in front of the admissions board. Ask
these students several years later if they remember their idealism
as they are pulling into a handicapped spot in their brand new
Beamer.
Getting into professional schools isn’t all that idealistic
either. As I mentioned before, money talks and fertilizer walks. No
matter how perfect a student’s GPA or test scores are, there will
always be a rich applicant whose father will undermine the
application process by donating a new wing to the university
hospital. This act of accepting a less-than-qualified applicant for
his financial clout produces results. After all, where would our
university be without all of the private research grants that it
receives? Don’t we know in our heart of hearts that the university
must somehow be greasing the wheels of this huge juggernaut to keep
it and the cash flow rolling?
All of these examples may have been hard to swallow, but we need
to take the fleas with the dog. Try as we may, money will always
play an important, albeit unseen, role in our daily actions. We can
only hope to make as much as we can and exploit the system to our
benefit.Wish Balekian a happy birthday on March 9. E-mail him at
[email protected].