Tuesday, March 10, 1998
Hey! You’re not the only one with issues
PERSPECTIVES: Everyone’s life is rife with problems, so don’t
pass judgment without a deeper look
You think you’ve got problems? Capital D Dysfunctional
everywhere you look? You’re probably right. But you’re not the only
one blessed with this phenomenon. We are all more dysfunctional
than we pretend to be.
Admit it – you’re pretty messed up. What’s that I see? Pouting?
Defensive? Dare to disagree? Come on, don’t feel so bad. I find it
nice, even somewhat comforting (in a dysfunctional sort of
way).
Surely it must suck to feel like you’re the only one in the
world with a bad situation. But you are never alone. It only seems
that way. Our perceptions of each other are inherently flawed, even
for those of us who pride ourselves on having a keen intuition. I
for one, have always considered myself a sure-shot people reader –
I knew people. I knew what they’d do. I knew how they’d feel. I
knew. Only recently has it become apparent that I don’t. Man, I
don’t know jack.
Everyday, we pass multitudes of other people, some of whom are
classmates, others acquaintances, a few even lucky enough to fall
into the category of friends. And we make judgments about them.
"Great … here comes that … smart girl/obnoxious Greek/star
athlete/big dork/(insert your fave stereotype here)." These
judgments are based on one-dimensional categories and silly labels.
We can’t help but limit our perception to one main aspect – the
biceps, the brain, the bong.
We view others through a circus-like mirror that distorts and
flattens their many experiences into one top cover. We don’t see
the important stuff. Like sediment layers forming on top of one
another over the years, so do our past encounters build up until
they make life. (We’re just a pile of dirt.)
There’s no way to understand someone entirely after viewing only
the most shallow facade. Of course, you can see your problems
perfectly clear. You’re trying to figure out where to go to grad
school, whether to stay with your boyfriend/girlfriend, when you
should go to Europe, how you’re going to pay your rent, whether you
should tell your close friend that her man’s cheating, how to get
that C up to a B, and what to have for dinner. And that’s all in
the span of an hour.
On top of that, as college students we’re coping with the
obligatory "issues" that come with the territory. "Issues," the
UCLA catch phrase of the year. "Dude, he’s got issues." Well
surprise! So do you. We’re all trying to figure out who we are,
what we want, what we’re supposed to be, all the while gasping at
how fast we’re turning into our parents when we never dreamed we
would.
Don’t forget the huge looming decisions, conflicts, emotional
conquests, heart and head battles. We’re searching for the strength
to do what’s right. We’re attempting to squash our insecurities and
stifle the coward inside of us. We’re running from the Karma Police
(ode to Radiohead).
Damn issues. And your issues may be apparent – in your face, in
your mind, in your heart. But what about the person next to you?
What are his or her issues?
Our daily trudges only allow us to judge others as they seem,
not as they are. We get only a glimpse of their being. Everyone
around you stumbles through their own world of complexity and
confusion. Everyone. Life breathes in our teachers, our classmates,
facilities management workers, people who sell incense and jewelry
on Bruin Walk, those who offer free movie tickets, Student Shopper
hander-outers, public school teachers who bring their classes to
UCLA, department heads. And we don’t really know any of them.
Two weeks ago, an acquaintance and I embarked on a tangent to
escape our psych study session. We talked about our lives, how we
were so screwed up, how we had so many problems. From men to
families to siblings and back, we were straight out of "Who’s Who
of Dysfunctional College Students." She looked at me in awe, "You
seem so well-adjusted, like you’ve really got it together." Funny,
I had thought the same of her. I would’ve never guessed that her
family has serious communication problems and that she only talks
to her sister once a year.
And just the other night another friend and I were talking and
he was in a bad mood. When I inquired as to why, he said he had
"issues" and problems I could never understand. Once he finally
started to spill it, he finished with "My life is so fucked." I
just sat there in disbelief. I was like, wait, I thought my life
was screwed. Then I realized that everyone’s life is. We all live
with some element of dysfunction and conflicting emotions, freaky
relationships and an aura of weirdness.
So why are we fooled when it comes to everyone else? Because
people do a great job of playing it cool.
Two weeks ago my professor’s mother passed away. Last week,
another professor suffered the same fate. We students had no idea,
as they stood and lectured about things so theoretical, that the
women who cared and nurtured them for God knows how many years of
their lives were wasting away. We had no way of knowing that the
abstract academic concepts paled in comparison to the concrete
painful feelings that I can only assume come with losing a parent.
Did we, as students, know this was happening to them? No.
So the next time the woman snaps at you in the library, take two
seconds to ponder where she is coming from before copping an
attitude. Had she been up all night with a sick child? Filing for a
divorce? In serious debt? Husband having an affair? 14-year-old
daughter threatening to run away? Doing drugs? All of the above?
More? Don’t let simplistic generalizations trick you.
Obviously there’s no way to know everything about everyone. Just
don’t fool yourself into thinking you do. Increase your awareness
and be sensitive to other people’s situations. Their lives are more
complicated than you think, almost as complicated as yours. While
everything looks smooth and creamy at the surface, jagged crevices
lie underneath.
To end with a quote from last week’s "Ally McBeal": "I like my
life a mess. If it wasn’t a mess, it wouldn’t be my life."
She’s got her set of issues. I’ve got my issues. You’ve got
yours. Come to think of it, life’s just a bunch of issues and
tissues.Pfeffer is a third-year communication studies student.
E-mail her at [email protected].