Monday, March 16, 1998
Final Conspiracies
UCLA officials meet in secret, high up in Powell’s bell tower,
to find new ways in which to dominate the life of the student
body
By Spencer HillIt’s the end of the quarter now, and I’m sure you
wish you studied, because your grades aren’t very good. And I’m
sure there are many of you who believe that your professors are
conspiring against you.
You’re right. They are.
I have talked to a secret informant with connections to the top,
whose true identity is only known to my editor and me.
They have developed an intricate plan to subvert the UCLA
population at large. The best way to expose them is by outlining
their plan step-by-step, so you can see how they have started to
take over your life. Soon, you’ll have nothing left.
The first conspiracy involves the campus dining halls.
When we were conducting secret interviews investigating this
matter, one student, who wishes to remain nameless, said
innocently, "I remember when we had one week of good food in the
dorms; since then the rest suck."
No question, there’s a conspiracy against all the students
living on campus. They give you good food, then they take it away.
Next they’ll take away the high-speed Internet connection, the
cable TV and the free maid service.
Free maid service?
Yes, free maid service.
Don’t you get free maid service? I do … Oh, I’m sorry. I guess
that’s one more conspiracy against you.
And what about the Instructional Enhancement Fees? The web pages
that you all know so well. Not only do these so-called
"Instructional Enhancement Fees" make money, but they also have
annoyed many students who see this as just another fee that they
must pay.
And, what about all those people pushing stuff on Bruin Walk?
Most of them don’t even go to school here. They’re employed by the
UCLA mafia to keep you from getting to class on time, or least
annoy you so you go insane.
Even the RAs are in on the conspiracy. You don’t believe me, do
you? You remember when you lived in the dorms, right? There you
were, in your room, and the two rooms next to yours always played
loud music late at night, right? The neighbors on one side love
Metallica, and the others are really into the "Humpty Hump" and old
MC Hammer albums. They’re playing their music – you have your door
open, and you’re watching the TV quietly, but the RAs on duty
decide that you’re the one making the noise. When you ask them why
they aren’t asking the people next to you to turn down their music,
they say, "They turned up their music because you had your TV up so
loud that they couldn’t hear their music, so they turned theirs up
to drown out your TV."
Not only have they made the food bad, the RAs annoying and the
fees arbitrary, the conspirators even strategically arranged the
dorm rooms to control your life.
Have you wondered why the beds and the desks in the dorms are
right next to each other? Because there’s no space to put them
anywhere else? No. That may seem like a logical answer on the
surface, but that’s not true.
Let me explain. Are you familiar with Pavlov? I hope you are,
because the secret studies conducted by UCLA agents high above us,
in Powell Library, detail the way they have lulled you literally
into a deep sleep. You remember how Pavlovian conditioning works,
right? Pavlov was working in his labs and he discovered that when
he would feed the dogs he was "studying," they would salivate
before they got their food. Being fed was linked to their mouths
watering. So, Pavlov decided to screw around a little, because
that’s what you can do when you have a doctorate. In his
experiments, he decided to ring a bell every time he fed the dogs.
After an extended period of time, the ring of the bell became
linked with the dogs salivating. So now if he rings the bell, the
dog’s mouth waters even though there’s no food.
So what does this have to do with you? When you lived in the
dorms, most of you had your desk next to your bed. (Those of you
who are smart will change this arrangement once you read this.)
You’re sitting at your desk reading. But the chairs in the dorms
are very uncomfortable and very hard to sit on. So you look over at
your soft bed – wait, excuse me, less-hard bed – right next to the
desk and you sit down to read.
But because your body is conditioned to think that it’s supposed
to sleep when it’s on the bed, you doze off. Now, every time you
sit down to read you fall asleep. Your bed is better than the
chair, so the pattern continues. Read a book on your bed; fall
asleep. Read a book on your bed; fall asleep.
After a while, your body gets used to this, so you don’t need
the bed anymore, because reading is now linked with sleeping.
Now, anywhere you sit down to read, you fall asleep, and you
flunk out of school.
This is no accident.
They are out to get you. They know all about you.
They even have files. Yes, files.
You see the UCLA syndicate meets high above us all in the top of
Powell Library with complete control over your life. (And, you
thought that was bell tower.) They have files on each you.
Everything that you’ve ever done, they know about. And, they have a
special row of cabinets filled with many secrets that have been
kept from the UCLA student body. Between the Kennedy assassination
file and the UFO/Area-51 file are the secret blueprints and
strategies that they use to control UCLA (and college students in
general) from on high. In one section of these plans, they detail
their secret labyrinth of tunnels in the hills of the UCLA campus.
You know, of course, the campus was originally flat. But when they
began building, they decided in secret that they should build a
complex system of tunnels and underground building complexes.
So they met, developing their plans for world domination. (And,
you thought all the construction was for "seismic restructuring" or
to "build a parking structure.") And, all the little annoyances
have been planned purposely to keep them from being discovered and
to keep you preoccupied. They hope that if you worry about your
petty little problems, you will go crazy and overlook their master
plan: total domination.