Monday, April 6, 1998
Abuse of women too often ignored
DOMESTIC: One demise shows how many people just look the other
way
By Kevin Powell
University Wire
Valerie was killed by her boyfriend St. Valentine’s Day weekend.
She was 32 and left behind two sons, ages 5 and 2.
Harold had broken into Valerie’s apartment and shot her in the
face and heart, as her elder son looked on.
It seems an increasing number of men in this country now view
the killing of their girlfriends or wives as a viable option to God
only knows what.
Valerie met Harold four years ago and immediately fell for his
good looks, his suave manner, and because he made her feel
"special." Valerie needed to feel special, you see, because as a
child she had been molested by a relative. No one would know this
for many years.
Valerie’s relationships had always been bad. Some were
emotionally abusive, some were physically abusive, some had
elements of both. The father of Valerie’s 5-year-old routinely
cheated on her and left her penniless to raise the boy alone.
When Valerie met Harold, she felt he was so different. Not only
was he handsome and well-mannered, but he even ran his own
ambulance service. When that business folded, he started a wrecking
service. Harold was such a fast learner.
But Harold changed. His words, once gentle and supportive, now
mocked and castigated. One day, Harold hit Valerie with an open
palm across the face, leaving her with a black half-ring below her
left eye.
Valerie wore sunglasses to work the next day. Ironically,
Valerie worked as an administrative assistant at a prominent
women’s college. And, ironically, her immediate boss was the head
of the women’s resource center at this women’s college.
But, Valerie would learn quickly that the women’s college would
not be very supportive of her ordeal. Over the next two years
Valerie was regularly abused by Harold. Harold, even the fast
learner, mastered the art of bruising Valerie in places where the
marks would not show – on her legs, on her back, about the vaginal
area. And Valerie did what she had done as a little girl when she
had been molested: she remained silent.
Or at least Valerie remained silent until her co-worker, Andrea
(who relayed this entire story to me), noticed that Valerie
suffered from drastic mood changes. One day she was perky and
gregarious, the next day meek and deflated.
Because Andrea had also been a victim of domestic violence, she
knew the symptoms: "It affected Valerie’s performance at work, and
I also noticed that when Harold showed up on campus, Valerie would
become jittery. So one day I just told her straight up, ‘I know
what’s going on. If you ever want to discuss it, just let me
know.’"
Eventually Valerie did confide in Andrea, and the stories were
brutal: that day, only weeks after their baby had been born, when
Harold pulled a gun on Valerie simply because she asked him to go
to the store to buy milk for the child; and that Mother’s Day when
Valerie took Harold and the two boys to her mother’s gravesite:
annoyed she was taking too long, Harold knocked Valerie to the
ground and stomped on her in the chest.
It would be months, Andrea told me, before Valerie could breathe
without feeling any pain.
With Andrea’s support, Valerie finally moved out and away from
Harold. Yet he always begged forgiveness and she would always
grudgingly oblige. Like many victims of domestic violence, Valerie
was stuck in the cycle of victimization. And, according to Andrea,
"Valerie really loved Harold and really believed she could change
him."
Like Valerie, Harold had a chaotic past. He watched his father
beat his mother, and he too was regularly whipped. Apparently,
Harold was rooted in violence.
Tired of Harold showing up on campus at all times of the day to
curse her, to hit her, to pull a knife or a gun, Valerie got a
restraining order.
The restraining order did not work because everyone on this
campus – the all-male security team, the folks who ran the women’s
center – kept a safe distance because they were afraid Harold would
hurt them, too. So, no one ever called the police on Harold, no one
ever confronted him, and no one, except Andrea, ever asked Valerie
what they could do to help.
So much for a restraining order. Indeed, in spite of that
restraining order, a judge actually gave Harold visitation rights
to his son.
Andrea is angry because she feels that several forces helped to
contribute to Valerie’s death. She is correct. While Harold
ultimately pulled the trigger, why did a judge, a women’s college
and its women’s center, and that college’s security team all but
ignore Valerie’s dilemma?
"Basically," Andrea said dejectedly one night over the phone,
"they are just telling us women who are victimized like this to
just wait and die."
Names and other identifying characteristics were changed.