Monday, April 6, 1998
Looks more like Disney than LAX
Shuttle ride, pricey food make trip
to LAX like Disneyland
OK, so that night you had a 6:05 "appointment" with the shuttle
service to take you to the airport. Naturally they aren’t there on
time.
But they eventually come, but they don’t give you a discount for
being 35 minutes late.
So, you’re sitting in the van as he drives to Sproul, to Dykstra
and back to Sproul again. He may just as well have stopped to smell
the flowers and check the tire pressure because he apparently
thinks you have plenty of time.
And the guy in the back seat for the whole ride is saying, "Is
that more than three stops? I think that’s more than three stops.
That’s definitely more than three stops." Because he’s thinking
that if you make more than three stops, then your ride is free. Not
true.
And, while he has been saying this, the dispatcher says, "Don’t
take the 405. The 405 is bottlenecked. There’s no way you’re going
to make it."
So naturally you figure that he isn’t going to take the 405.
And then as you’re just pulling on to the freeway, he takes a
left turn and says, "Does anyone know where Kelton Avenue is?"
OK, wait a second. Let’s review:
You don’t have a car. So, you call the shuttle service because
you need a ride. And because you don’t drive, you don’t know the
streets around Westwood.
He drives.
Now, who should know their way around Westwood? You or the
driver?
Now that we have this matter settled, you glance above the
window at a sticker that says, "Fare does not include driver
gratuity." You bet it doesn’t, especially after he picks you up
late. "Gratuity" doesn’t sound like a good thing anyway. Gratuity
sounds more like a type of cancer.
Imagine hearing someone say, "Oh, I heard that Jeff has a
gratuity in his colon." And, then a friend sympathetically says,
"Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Not Jeff." Could happen.
Anyway, now you’re finally getting ready to pull on to the
freeway – the 405 freeway. And, as you remember, the 405 has been
bottlenecked for hours. So as you’re passing the sign that says 405
South, he says, "Does anyone have suggestions?"
Now, I thought that we already went through this. I am the
passenger.
You are the driver.
I am paying you to drive me to the airport.
Apparently that wasn’t clear when I entered the van.
Naturally, if you’re taking me to the airport, then maybe you
should be able to get there. But apparently that’s asking too
much.
He continues to drive, choosing to take his life into his own
hands as he drives on the 405 South to the LAX.
You check your watch. The driver stops in traffic. You check
your watch.
The driver stops in traffic.
And, to your surprise, you finally get there with enough time to
check you bags and get onto the plane. And at this point, you
expect the driver to say, "So this is what the LAX looks like," but
he doesn’t.
You check in. And because you weren’t as early for your flight
as you thought you were going to be, you have to sit on the ground
to wait for the plane because there’s no seats left.
So you’re sitting down, and you’re tired and you’re hungry.
Very hungry.
And of course as you look around, everyone has food, because
it’s 7:30 p.m.: dinner time. After all, you had lunch. So, you
think that you’ll be fine. But you’re not, as you sit there talking
yourself into it. But what you don’t know is you’re talking
yourself into it out loud. And, yes that certain someone that you
had your eye on over there has been watching you talk to yourself.
Hello, good bye.
But apparently you don’t care, because you continue to talk to
yourself.
"I’m not going to buy any of the airport food, because it’s
overpriced.
Very overpriced."
You see, it’s basically like buying food at Disneyland. They
think that because they have you held captive, they can torture
you.
You know this situation, you’re at Disneyland. First of all,
you’re already paying the large ticket prices. (I would tell you
what they are, but I hear that they’re increasing them right now as
you read this.)
And, you need food, right?
You’re forced to either pay their high prices or starve to
death.
So don’t tell me that you can get out of paying the high prices
for food in Disneyland – and you know the airports are no
different.
And, you know that when sales are down, they delay more flights,
so you buy more food and souvenirs that no normal person would ever
buy. So you hold back buying food in the airport, because you’re
strong. You can take it.
But you can’t take it.
This is the airport. Not only do you have to deal with hunger,
but you have to deal with Musak and the intercom guy breaking every
few minutes to tell you who is paging who, that this flight has
been delayed, and so on.
But you sit and think for a second. It’s not as though you’re
spending your tuition money for some airline-terminal food. So you
figure, "I’ve have a few bucks. How about some milk – a nice
cardboard box of milk." You know the low-fat stuff – not that diet,
watered-down nonfat stuff – the good stuff.
And, as you hand the milk to the cashier, she rings it up and
says, "$1." You’re about to say, "Come on. What are you talking
about?" but you don’t because after all you’ve gone through, it’s
not worth it. It’s too late to go back now, you’re buying milk.
And as you sip your milk, you remember that you have your
Walkman. You put the headset on and turn the music on loud – so
loud that you don’t care about the shuttle driver who didn’t know
what he was doing. And, you enjoy the moment because you know it’s
just a matter of time before Disney buys LAX and makes it DisneyAir
– and forces you to listen to "It’s a Small World" over and over
while you’re waiting for your plane. "It’s a small world after all/
It’s a small world after all/ It’s a small world after all/ It’s a
small, small world."