Monday, April 13, 1998
Small steps can bridge the gender gap
HE SAID/SHE SAID: Women need to learn men behave certain ways;
they work with actions, not words
Warning: I cannot nor will I aim to speak for all men.
I’m sick and tired of always hearing women complaining about
problems with men. Ladies, before complaining to all your friends
and random acquaintances about how men have ruined your lives, may
I offer some advice that might help you understand and interact
with the opposite gender?
This isn’t advice coming from Cosmopolitan, Redbook or some
other women’s magazine that attempts to tell you such things as:
how to respond to men, why they act the way they do or what men’s
secret fantasies are. This is advice coming from a red-blooded
young UCLA male, a creature you have confronted and often seem to
have problems dealing with. Hopefully, this will aid you in your
attempt to understand what really goes on in a guy’s head:
1. Men want a relationship with a woman who respects
herself.
Before I proceed, I hope all women understand that a man can
differentiate between just wanting to have sex and developing a
relationship. Not all men are ready for relationships, or want
them, but those who want to settle down are looking for a woman who
respects herself. Most men place a very high value on self-respect;
nothing is more attractive than a confident woman who holds herself
in a manner which demands respect from people.
I’m tired of hearing women speak of their girlfriends’ partners
in the following manner: "He doesn’t treat her right. She deserves
better." I have one response: "Expect better!" Women should only be
with men who treat them like they are the best. Men will try to get
away with anything that women let them get away with. But, in
actuality, that’s really not what we want to do. I agree that men
are sometimes dogs, but it’s often because you let us be. Demand
more from us!
2. Men show their affection through their actions.
Men are not often as vocal in showing their affection to those
they care about. Women who expect a man’s affection to be expressed
through showers of "I love you’s" and "I can’t live without you’s"
are often setting themselves up for disappointment. Many women seem
prone to say, "I know you care for me, but I just want you to
express that to me more often."
OK, we should probably work on vocalizing our feelings more. But
ladies, you need to look at our actions, rather than focusing on
what we say when determining how we really feel. A guy may spend
two hours washing and waxing your car to show his affection rather
than telling you every hour how much he cares for you. Focusing on
men’s actions will also enable you to easily point out "phonies" or
"players" who shower you with affection – when they aren’t with
you, they are probably looking for action anywhere they can find
it.
3. Men value self-reliance.
Men may seem stubborn and selfish, but this stems from the fact
that we value self-reliance. It is very important for us to think
that we can take care of ourselves. We rarely admit to needing or
wanting help; we view it as a sign of weakness or inadequacy to ask
for it. The classic example of this is when a guy gets lost, but
drives around in circles for an hour before stopping and asking for
directions. Admittedly, this is strange behavior, but in our minds
we are just taking responsibility for ourselves.
4. Men are afraid of rejection.
Guys are constantly having to put their egos on the line because
they’re the ones who are usually expected to make the first move.
Shy guys may want to ask you out but cannot work up the courage to
do so because they are afraid of rejection. On the other hand, many
men may seem bold, brash and overbearing when they first try to
meet you. It’s really just an act we put on, which makes it easier
for us to deal with having to take the initiative in most
situations. If a guy seems cocky, it’s just his meager attempt to
compensate for his fear of rejection. If we are turned down, we can
pretend that we can just shake this rejection off. Because there
are plenty of other babes who want us (or so we’d like to
think).
The best way to help yourselves and help us is by doing the
following: If you think you might like a guy, let him know that you
are interested by dropping him a little hint. Giving him your
address and the times when you have your room all to yourself isn’t
a slick move right off the bat, but a guy will appreciate any
gesture that shows him you might be interested.
I know there are guys who start envisioning marriage in their
heads after you compliment them on their shoes – and in these
cases, I do feel sorry for you, ladies. However, if a guy actually
approaches you in a respectable manner, please don’t laugh at him
or mock him for trying to talk to you. Instead, applaud the courage
he has shown.
Finally ladies, even if you don’t agree with us please attempt
to understand us. This may even lead to some sort of appreciation
of what we men experience.David Middleton