Wednesday, April 29, 1998
Life goes on, at least on TV
TELEVISION: This article has received the rating of TV-W (waste
of time)
Growing up, we were bombarded with cool television shows that
continue to influence us.
For example, how many of you got into trouble for jumping in
through the windows of your family car like Bo or Luke Duke? Who
decided to go to college only after watching "Head of the Class"?
What percentage of current UCLA students gorged themselves on
Jell-O products during the "Cosby Show"? And most importantly,
which UCLA students learned to deal responsibly with alcohol by
watching Norm, Cliff and the gang toss back beers for a decade at
Cheers?
But all of that is history now. With the exception of
"Seinfeld," which will soon be gone, the only shows left are crappy
ones like "The Single Guy," a sitcom that attempted to
revolutionize television by providing an entire half hour without
likable characters, plots or a single joke.
But television is only following the trend set by other
entertainment fields. If you watch movies, you realize that for
every "Braveheart," there are a 100 "Showgirls." (Incidentally,
that sounds like the name of a show in Vegas.)
Radio listeners know that each song released by the Smashing
Pumpkins has to compete for air time with tired acts like Alanis
Morissette and Green Day. If anyone still reads, it probably angers
them that it takes Douglas Adams years to write Hitchhiker novels,
while John Grisham seems to finish one novel for every bowel
movement he has (which is fairly appropriate, I guess).
But whose fault is it? Normally, I’m against the concept, but I
have to agree with my parents on this one and blame our generation.
We’re the ones who turned the New Kids on the Block, M.C. Hammer,
Vanilla Ice and, now the Spice Girls and Hanson into cultural icons
– all while continuing to idolize Madonna and Michael Jackson. And
don’t think the entertainment moguls haven’t been paying
attention.
The entertainment industry knows it doesn’t have too try hard to
hook us. They’re sitting back thinking, "If we got them to enjoy
the New Kids, then they’ll love ‘Friends.’ If M.C. Hammer could
have a five-year run of unparalleled success as the nation’s top
rapper, they’ll go nuts over the WB’s new fall lineup. And if Milli
Vanilli could win a damn Grammy, then maybe Keanu Reeves can win an
Oscar."
Hell, the most influential comedian of our time talks with his
butt! Although, to be fair, I can’t bag on Jim Carrey; I’ve seen
every movie he’s made (but I feel so dirty).
Yes my friends, we’ve not only endured crappy entertainment,
we’ve swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
Do you remember the show "Life Goes On"? When it first came on
the air, it tried to be a quality show based on this one boy who
had Downs Syndrome and his struggle to fit into mainstream society.
But apparently that subject wasn’t dramatic enough to catch
America’s attention, because eventually this show became just like
every other drama on television – overly melodramatic and
cheesy-stupid (my own word).
I remember one really great plot summary in T.V. Guide which
read something like this: Mom and Dad confront the issue of
domestic violence when Mom’s boss gets beaten up; Rebecca puzzles
whether to go out with the school stud who only wants her for her
body; Paige decides whether or not to get an abortion; and Corky
rides the bus.
Corky rides the bus! Oh the intense struggle!
But the best thing about "Life Goes On" was that no matter what
was happening to the other characters, 90 percent of the show
focused on Corky. The parents would get to hear four lines from a
counselor, Rebecca would give some speech about how respect is more
important than being popular, and poor Paige would only have enough
time left to flip a coin – all so that the audience could
experience the dramatic wonder of Corky riding the bus.
"Are we there yet?"
"People smell bad on the bus!"
"I think I missed my stop."
Now that was great television, and it was always the same. Every
week, the whole family would, in 10 minutes, go through a crisis
which would rip a normal family apart – while Corky rode the bus,
got a library card or befriended a dolphin.
Perhaps the greatest part of that show was the dog they had. All
he ever did was sleep, eat and change rooms, which is all a normal
dog does anyway. The trainers on the show must have had it really
rough: "Bad dog, you were supposed to sleep, then eat, not the
other way around."
I don’t even think the dog was originally part of the show. He
probably just sneaked onto the set one day and began living there.
The whole cast was so busy watching Corky learn how to tie his shoe
they didn’t notice the dog until the 10th episode. And by then,
they couldn’t write him out of the script.
Of course, "Life Goes On" is now off the air. Television
programming, however, remains just as ridiculous. There is an
infection of "realistic" dramas on every channel. "NYPD Blue" is
one of those shows that mirror reality, given that reality is
defined by Dennis Franz handling all of New York’s crimes by
beating a confession out of a thug while Jimmy Smits does his best
Spock impersonation, pointing out the suspect’s logical errors:
Suspect: I guess the body was, like, 15 feet away. So I …
Franz: Jesus Christ! (Punches the suspect in the face.) Give me
an excuse to lay into you … give me an excuse!
Smits: I have your friend in the other room, and he’s ratted you
out. He says the body was six feet from the dumpster and the
dumpster was eight feet from you. Using the Pythagorean Theorem, I
calculate you were within 10 feet of the victim. Better explain
that.
Suspect: But I was at a doctor’s appointment. I just went into
this alley and found this long-dead corpse. What the hell are you
talking …
Franz: Oh my God! (Kicks the suspect in the groin.) I’m gonna
kill you!
Suspect: OK, OK, I killed the man.
Smits: Here’s a notepad, and the victim was a woman.
Comedies on television have likewise become ludicrously bad.
After "Cheers," NBC worried whether it could continue to control
the sitcom market.
Seeing as only "Seinfeld" could pull an audience, NBC knew they
needed a hit show, and quickly. So they hired a cutting-edge writer
and put him to work. Everyone at the network agreed that his
product was innovative and intellectually stimulating while still
managing to be completely hilarious.
As a result, NBC promptly fired the writer for making the rest
of their shows look bad. All evidence of his creation was burned,
and the executives at NBC got around to creating a show starring
six attractive, marketable stars who quipped sexual innuendoes at
each other in a coffee shop.
The show, now known as "Friends," would have sucked completely
if not for one redeeming factor – it co-starred a monkey named
Marcel. However, all good things must come to an end, and Marcel
was quietly ushered out when rumors began circulating that he was
the one writing the episodes.
Due to the success of "Friends," other networks attempted to use
the same cutesy formula. Now every channel has countless failing
programs full of attractive stars who insult each other with all
the subtlety of a "Three’s Company" episode. None of these shows
are ever successful, and for good reason – they all lack primates
(OK, technically humans are primates, but …).
As a community, we need to stand up and take back our
televisions. It’s easy – just write your congressman asking him to
pass a bill requiring monkeys to act on every television show. Of
course I’m just kidding; what we really need to do is …
Oh shoot, I have to go. The "Dukes of Hazard" is being rerun
again. C’mon Luke, you can get away, just find the one lake General
Lee can’t jump over …