Thursday, May 7, 1998
Trials and tribulations
HOUSING: Shower slugs add charm to living in your very own Roach
Motel for the summer
As summer rapidly approaches, one’s thoughts turn to beaches and
vacation and summer school and summer housing. Where are you going
to live this summer? Gather ’round Bruins, for I have some real
estate advice to give you that I learned the hard way one summer. I
hope that this column can prevent you from making the same mistake
and undergoing the character building experience I did; consider
this a public service announcement of sorts.
It was spring quarter, around week 10, and I had just decided
that I would stay in Los Angeles for the summer. (My attempts at
being spontaneous often turn out badly.) I was living in the dorms
and was not sure where I could stay for the summer. I looked at the
classifieds in the Bruin for sublets and found them all to be way
out of my price range. Then I heard about what sounded like the
housing opportunity of a lifetime – $550 for the entire summer and
right in Westwood. I could not believe my eyes.
How can this be? There must be a catch – but $550 for the whole
summer and conveniently located on Strathmore? Sign me up! And then
I got to thinking – right on Strathmore. What’s on Strathmore? Oh
yes, dear reader, fraternity houses are on Strathmore. Little did I
know that fraternity houses rent out rooms to men and women during
the summer.
Undaunted, I called up my summer roommate and told her I’d found
the deal of a lifetime. She was a bit hesitant, but I reassured her
that it couldn’t be that bad, and it would be a great adventure.
The house I called said we would have our own bedroom, living room
and bathroom, and we could use the house kitchen.
And think of the social possibilities! She wanted me to call
around some more, and I found another house that still had rooms
available (keep in mind this is tenth week and the summer countdown
is in full effect).
We made appointments to see two rooms at two different houses in
one evening. Here’s a tip that sounds like common sense, but it
cannot hurt to spell it out for you: Do not look at real estate at
night. If you have only one opportunity to see your potential place
of residence, make the appointment during the day. Trust me on
this.
We looked at both houses (the names have been omitted to protect
the guilty). One of them had a strange smell that we noticed on our
way up the front stairs, which grew in intensity as we neared the
room we’d be staying in. As I recall, we had to walk through the
kitchen. The whole situation was a bit odd, and we rejected that
option immediately.
This meant that the next place we looked at would determine if
we had a place to live or were homeless for the summer. There were
people living there when we went by to look, and the house had just
had a party – some sort of affair with sawdust, and it was
everywhere. We were assured that they were going to hire maids to
come in and clean the house before we moved in.
Our room/apartment was in the basement and kind of separated
from the rest of the house. We had to go down a small flight of
stairs to get to our place, and it was near a side entrance, so we
would not even have to use the front door. It appeared to be the
ultimate in privacy and convenience.
The place was messy, but after hearing promises of the maid
service, we were certain we would be able to live there with no
problems. When the current occupants said they would leave the
couch for us; it sounded too good to be true.
Yes indeed – too good to be true. As I soon found out, if
something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. My roommate
was visiting her family for the first few weeks of the summer, so I
moved in first. The maids had not been in to clean yet, and I found
out after signing the summer lease that they did not clean
individual rooms. I was not too worried, however, because I figured
the former tenants had cleaned before they left.
This is when it became clear that I have only lived in residence
halls. The former tenants had not cleaned at all. I found a moldy
shower curtain and some sort of red paint all over the toilet. The
shower and tub could have been the site of some gnarly event worthy
of an X-Files storyline.
I sat down on our couch (that’s right, the free one) to call a
friend so we could go get some cleaning supplies and turn my place
into something worthy of a layout in House Beautiful or
Architect-ural Digest when I heard something scratching near my
ear. I turned my head and found a large cockroach heading for my
hair (I think I might have been in his seat; perhaps it was
actually his couch).
I never moved so fast in my life as I did when I sprang up from
that couch and promptly added Roach Motels (they check in, but they
never check out) and Raid to my supply list. I spent the next few
days tidying things up and cleaning. I put flowers in the
regulation-size basketball hoop and backboard that was mounted to
the wall.
I figured I’d explain the fact that the previous tenants had
written all of their friends’ names and addresses on the closet
door in black paint as some sort of modern art piece or a bold
statement about communication and society. I was finally ready to
show the place to my nearest and dearest.
I invited my sister up for a few weeks. In preparation for her
visit, I made sure to put out extra roach motels and re-salted the
bathroom floor. There was some sort of separation between the wall
and the floor, and slugs would crawl through and make their way to
the shower.
Nothing is more unnerving than stumbling into the shower in the
wee hours of the morning only to find some slugs chillin’ on the
tile. I’m embarrassed to admit it now, but I saw no other solution
at the time, so I put salt down in front of the space between the
wall and the floor. It worked like a charm, I might add.
I only hoped that the place wouldn’t flood for a while. And what
had once seemed like the ultimate convenience – living steps from
the laundry room – turned into the ultimate nightmare when the
washing machine would overflow and flood the place. An added trauma
that surfaced only when I took a shower was that if one touched the
tiles in the shower, they would fall out, leaving a gaping hole and
the sight of rotting wood behind it.
Nevertheless, the place was all set and my sister would arrive
the next day. My sis arrived, and I proudly took her through the
side entrance (keep in mind this was my first place of my own). I
pointed out the convenience of the laundry room’s proximity and
asked her to kindly disregard the red light bulb in front of the
door which cast a seedy glow over the threshold. I unlocked the
door with a flair and flipped on the light.
What to my wondering eyes should appear but a fast-moving mouse
streaking its way across the floor. Not Fievel, not Mickey, but one
of those rodent, vermin mice that do not belong with people.
Needless to say, my sister was not impressed and we spent the rest
of her visit focusing on home improvement and extermination.
As if this was not enough, the nightmare continued through the
following summer. Someone attempted to open credit card accounts
(some sort of platinum card, no less, and a Sears card of all
things) in my name using the Strathmore address. I got calls from
my credit card companies, and I have been labeled a "fraud victim"
by the credit companies – but luckily the fraud was discovered
before any charges were logged.
However, there is an upside to all of this. Fraternity houses
offer summer housing at the lowest prices in Westwood. I can now
live pretty much anywhere and know how to deal with all kinds of
household pests – including the kind on two legs sporting Greek
letters. It was a valuable learning experience in a number of areas
and I am a much more careful consumer all around.
My advice to all of you looking for summer housing is to look
carefully at what you are going to get. If the rent is low, there
may be another price you pay – a hidden cost, if you will.
A final word of caution: If at all possible, try to have your
mail forwarded to somewhere other than the place you are going to
live for only a few months in the summer and save yourself some
serious headaches.
Best of luck!