Friday, June 5, 1998
Madd Phat lingo wobbs experts, helps keep fans from goin’
loopy
COLUMN: X-talk could spice up Sportscenter, last weeks news
items
Its time for the arrival of the big X. Any viewer watching ESPN2
has seen the Tony Hawk X-filesque commercials pushing the Extreme
Games.
But still the X-Games remains about as watched as MLS
soccer.
So here is a tip for the ESPN publicists: get the world to speak
X-Game lingo.
That’s right. X-Game slang multiplied to the Xth factor.
It is time for Stuart Scott, Rich Eisen, Dan Patrick and all
other Sportscenter anchors to include X-Game diction in their
commentaries.
This would make the X-Games more popular throughout the
sportsworld because the lingo would be ingrained into everyone’s
psyche. Hence, X-talk will be used like Shakespearean dialogue.
So, in an unprecedented move, I will give Bruins a glimpse at
how this would occur by going over the past week’s sports world
using X talk.
To help explain how I will go about doing this I will put the
X-word down, the real definition, then how it could be applied to
the sportsworld.
Let’s begin our Xploration.
1. Backside – In snowboarding, the side where the heel rests.
Or, the way Felix Martinez cheapshotted Phil Nevins in the back of
the head after five beanballs in a Royals-Angels game.
2. Blindside – In snowboarding, when the rider has to orient
themself after a takeoff. Or, the way the Angels teamed up on
Martinez in that same game to protect Nevins.
3. Curbed – When a bike rider crashes hard. Or, the demotion of
Martinez to the minors after backsiding Nevins.
4. Cooking Fish Sticks – Something easy in bike stunt riding.
Or, the Florida Marlins’ firesale.
5. Pack o’Newports – Something harsh in stunt riding. Or, what
Florida manager Jimmy Leyland must smoke every inning after the
Owner’s cooking fish sticks.
6. Curb grind – When a skater grinds on a sidewalk curb. But in
this case, when J.D. Drew refused to play for the Phillies.
Actually a curbed grind because now he will crash hard.
7. Rolling down the windows – Snowboading term when someone is
caught off the board. Or, the act of J.D. Drew as he allows his
agent Scott Boras to use him as a puppet.
8. Crossed up – When the skater’s legs are crossed while
performing a trick. Or, the way the Dodgers keep thinking they have
reached a deal with the Mariners for Randy Johnson.
9. Hucker – One who throws themself wildly through the air and
does not land on the snowboard. Or, the hard-throwing ways of
Johnson.
10. Japan Air – When the front hand grabs the toe edge in front
of the foot, and the snowboard is pulled over the head. Or, the
plane ticket Hideo Nomo got from the Dodgers after demanding a
trade.
11. Acid drop – To ride straight off something and freefall to
the ground. Or, the way the trading value of Nomo has
plummeted.
12. Wobbs – Speed wobbles in the luge. Or, the way the Padres
have struggled after an amazing start.
13. Yo Madd Phat – "That was a cool trick." Or, the New York
Yankees who refuse to lose, but they better watch for wobbs or they
may get curbed.
14. Rocket Air – The front hand grabs the toe edge in front of
the front foot while the board points to the ground. Or, the
emergence of two promising pitchers this year who throw gas, Kerry
Woods and Orlando Hernandez.
15. Quarterpipe – A halfpipe with only one wall. Or, Ryan Leaf,
the quarterback for the Chargers, who will struggle without the
services of all-pro Tony Martin, who was traded.
16. Road Rash – Injuries occurred when a luger goes down. Or,
what will happen to the proposed new football league by Turner and
NBC. It will go into a flat spin than nose bonk.
17. Miller Flip – An invert in a halfpipe. Or, the way Reggie
Miller won game six with an amazing three-pointer.
18. Misty Flip – Inverted 540 performed off of a straight jump
with a board. Or, the way Miller kept complaining about his ankle
injury saying that he shouldn’t have been playing game five and
six. Hey put up or shut up.
19. Mosquito Air – Front hand reaches behind the legs and grabs
the heel edge between the bindings in snowboarding. Or, the way
Dennis Rodman is constantly annoying the crap out of opposing
players.
20. Loopy – After a rider crashes hard and they are a bit dazed.
Or, the way Rodman acted after losing game one in the NBA
championships then going to Vegas.
21. Pimp Vessel – A bike that a rider has kept in perfect shape.
Or, Shawn Kemp for all his illegitimate children.
22. Blunt – A skateboarding trick. Or, what Chris Webber brings
to the Sacramento Kings.
23. Pullin’ a McCoy – When a rider runs into the crowd. Or, when
a player resigns from a college team then is expected to be drafted
in the top ten.
24. McTwist – A 540 turn performed on a ramp. Or, the burger
from McDonald’s appropriately named after phenom Kobe Bryant.
25. Roast Beef Air – Trick performed in snowboarding. Or, the
way Robert Traylor looks while flying through the air. Also a big
buyer of the McTwist. And cooking fish sticks.
26. Spine Ramp – Two half pipes placed back to back creating a
double UU shape. Or, the painful game one of the NBA Finals. Both
team shot and played ugly.
27. Slob Air – A frontside air in skateboarding. Or, Michael
Jordan’s performance in game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals
and game one in the Finals.
28. Stale Egg – A skateboarding trick. Or, when Jordan committed
a mental error by letting the shot clock run out with a minute left
and trailing by two. It’s time to quit thinking about golf and
playing the piano and to play basketball.
29. Shove it – A trick performed by spinning the board beneath
the feet. Or, the way the Utah Jazz play ball.
30. Crooked Cop Air – A version of the mosquito air. Or, the NBA
officials who need to let the ballers ball.
31. Alley-Oop Soul – A backward soul grind in which the skater
turns their body in the air while hopping on the rail. Or, the
amazing Earl Watson off the glass pass to Baron Davis against OSU.
That one will always be remembered.
32. Pearl Jam – A contest that used to be cool, but got too big
and isn’t any more. This is the definite slang word that the
X-Games better watch out for because the more popular a sport gets
the more it may lose its appeal.
Keep the X-Games loose and fresh and just maybe this lingo will
become less of an alien language to those who read this column.
Good luck, Sportscenter, in your inclusion of these great X-game
words into your commentary. Keep chillin’.
Salmon is tripping because the World Cup is in five days. Yo
Brazil is madd phat and the U.S. is going to play the crippler. If
you have your own vocab then email him at [email protected]