Monday, June 8, 1998
No ceremony, conference or ‘just kidding’ – but thanks
COLUMN: Several ways exist to say goodbye, simplicity best
method
Well my friends, we have reached the end of the road, the last
hurrah, the big sendoff. Yes, this is the last time that I write a
sports column for the Daily Bruin.
Some may cheer, a few may be sad, most probably don’t care, but
this is my retirement column as a sportswriter. It is in this
medium that I make this announcement because, really, it is not a
big deal.
When a pro athlete makes this announcement, however, the
response can range from two lines in the Transactions column to a
highlight reel on ESPN.
In fact, the retiring athlete has a plethora of options to
choose from that will allow him to get maximum effect and receive
unmatched attention.
First, there’s the self-indulgence orgy of appreciation known as
the year-long sendoff. This occurs when the athlete in question
announces that his or her upcoming season will be his or her last,
which concurrently opens the floodgates of praise, gifts and career
retrospectives to be shown at halftime.
This type of retirement is only for those who have led the most
magnificent careers and are truly deserving of the fetes that take
place at every arena that they play in. Our primary example is
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who after announcing that 1989 would be his
last season, was treated to standing ovations and gifts of
motorcycles, rocking chairs, adult diapers and wheelchairs at every
NBA venue.
Next, we have the weepy press conference retirement. This is a
two-day event, with Day One being the day that the athlete’s team
announces that there will be a forthcoming conference but coyly
doesn’t supply a reason why. This allows the media to utilize the
oh-so-useful "highly placed unnamed source" to determine that our
much-beloved athlete (Ryne Sandberg, Mike Schmidt, Jim Kelly, etc)
will say they are retiring.
On Day Two of the weepy press conference retirement, the athlete
actually goes before the microphones and talks about team, family
and winning. Inevitably, however, he will lose his composure and
sob openly while the cameras grind footage and grizzled, jaded
reporters dutifully take notes. At this point, the athlete moves
off stage left, to be seen next on the Home Shopping Network,
peddling autographed bats.
Third on the ziggurat of retirements is the pseudo-retirement,
also known as the Michael "Just Kidding" Jordan method. This occurs
when our reknown athlete retires and garners lots of attention,
only to return a few days, months or years later. This method has
also been perfected by Magic Johnson, Reggie White and nearly every
famous boxer who ever lived.
The best retirement option, ironically, is one that isn’t even
available to humans, unless you are Wilt Chamberlain or something,
for it is the racehorses that reap the whirlwind. When our equine
friends like Secretariat or Alysheba retire, they don’t become dog
food or go off to pasture, they’re sent off to stud.
That’s right, they spend the rest of their life having
guilt-free sex with every mare in the stable. Truly not a bad way
to go.
This option, as well as a few others, sound fantastic but
they’re not for me. I would hate to receive gifts in my classes or
be heckled on Bruin Walk. This is the perfect situation for me,
because I get a few final paragraphs to say goodbye.
I have been writing in this space for two years and covering
UCLA sports for more than three, and after over 70 columns and 250
stories, I hope that I have brought you a unique perspective on the
UCLA athletic community and sports in general. That was my point,
sometimes to be serious but, by God, to be funny as well because
that’s a whole lot more fun to read (and write, for that
matter).
Whether these columns and stories have made you laugh, get
angry, whatever, I still get a thrill when someone responds to my
work, either through spoken or written words. I am honored that you
would read my words and deem them important enough to respond.
I truly hope that the stories I have written have given you some
share in the pleasure that I have gotten as a writer over the past
four years and I thank you.
Mark Shapiro is hanging up the mantle of Daily Bruin Staff
Writer and columnist. Email responses to
[email protected] Shapiro