Monday, June 29, 1998
Long distance doesn’t matter
RELATIONSHIPS: Keeping love alive difficult, will work if it is
meant to be
Oh yes, it’s summer. Time to relax, kick back, recover from the
horror of the school year. I also bet for many of you it’s a time
to be back with your man or woman, boyfriend or girlfriend,
whatever your pleasure may be.
So with that corny introduction (summer orientation issue, get
it?), I present to you "All I Ever Needed to Know About
Long-Distance Relationships." You got it all right here in your
free guide to surviving the logistics, trauma, joy, sadness,
jubilation and horror that come with a "long-distance
relationship." Yes, all of you know it simply by this name (LD is
what those freaks, except for my girlfriend, at Stanford call
it).
Whatever your distance may be, Los Angeles to somewhere up
north, here to the east coast, or here to wherever people live, my
discussion will be about this particular relationship
phenomenon.
You ask, what exactly constitutes a long-distance relationship?
Let’s just say a long-distance relationship involves a good amount
of distance. Maybe it’s a plane flight away or a long car journey,
one where a round trip would not be possible in one 24-hour
time-span. Or you could just simply say that a long distance
relationship involves two people in love who are physically
separated for long periods of time.
By now, all of you may be asking yourselves, "What makes this
guy the so-called authority figure on this difficult topic? Does he
even have the guts to ask someone out? Judging from his picture,
who would even want to be this guy’s girlfriend? Who is he to be
telling all, and doling out advice left and right?"
Well, shocking as it may sound, I am in the midst of a
hard-core, deeply committed, long-distance relationship. No, I
don’t claim to know all, but I do seem to have it somewhat figured
out.
To start things off, there is the instigator for the long
distance. One person must move away for a job opportunity, college,
whatever else. There might be the decision to either stay close to
one’s love or go off and (maybe) do bigger and better things. And
then the questions come. Do we stay together? Do we see other
people? When will we see each other again?
OK, so you stay together. You then realize: distance is hard. On
one of the first days I was away from my love, my fortune at a
Chinese restaurant (actually, my best friend’s fortune, but
whatever, it’s the same thing) read, "Absence sharpens love,
presence strengthens it."
That encouraging advice didn’t make me feel much better;
actually, it made me run outside to the pay phone and make a long
distance call to New Jersey.
Anyway, back to the distance, and the thought, "How many more
days, minutes, hours?" This is the first reaction to a long
distance separation.
Umm, no, it wasn’t me who watched "Con Air," heard Leann Rimes’
"How Do I Live?," and then thought about my long distance
relationship, causing me to cry while walking home. Being
surrounded by my four guy friends made it all the worse.
"How am I supposed to go on without my love right here by my
side?" you think to yourself. "I can’t go on, without being able to
see her daily, or even weekly."
When I first started out, it seemed as though people with advice
sought me out, as though I had a big freakin’ sign on my head
saying "Long-Distance Relationship: Whipped Boy." It seemed as if
everyone would randomly tell me, "Oh, my girlfriend goes to school
back East," and would then proceed to share their long-distance
love lives with me.
Random people would tell me about their long-distance loves,
from my lab partner in neuroscience, to the friend of a friend at a
birthday party, to even the florist at the flower shop. I heard
everything from, "It definitely has its ups and downs," to "It’s
not worth it," to "If you can hold up for three months, there’s
definitely something there," to "I was with her for two years, and
she cheated on me three times during that span," to "My phone bill
was bad," to "Stick to e-mail," to "My friend whacked out his car
going up north every weekend." Dang, even my mom jumped in and
shared her vast knowledge about long distance relationships.
Even with all that advice, I still missed my girlfriend very
much. It was a very difficult time. It was horrible.
I remember the first three months, the sick to my stomach
feeling, not being able to get through class (let alone any
activity) without constantly thinking about my girlfriend.
I recall all the times listening to the love songs, seeing other
couples holding hands and being jealous, talking to anyone I
possibly could about my girlfriend.
Daydreaming in class about her, writing love letters to her,
mailing an "I love you" card to her on five consecutive days. Yes,
I was crazy in love.
Calling her every night (I still do that – hope my mom doesn’t
read this), calling to say good morning and good night, lying down
and just thinking.
I don’t know how I got through it. But I did, and for those of
you going through it, you will too. Over time, it gets better. No,
it’s not as though my love has decreased, but instead things just
get easier over time. I don’t know how – it just does. Love will
find a way, as they say.
For all of you undergoing long distance relationships, I know
what you’re going through. I know about the ridiculous phone bills,
the urges to just jump in your car and drive there, the worrying,
the letters and packages in the mail, the random musings –
wondering what your significant other is doing and wondering if she
feels the same way too.
Why would you go through such an ordeal? Well, I can only speak
for myself, but I know I’ve found the one. And I’m not letting go
of her.
If your relationship is really worth it, then it can span the
distance and separation.
But, I warn you not to fool yourself either. Don’t hang on to a
relationship just because it’s safe and familiar. If this is the
case, you gotta let go at some point, so do it now.
Don’t use your relationship as a security blanket with which to
cover yourself just to feel good about having someone.
If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be what
someone else told me. To keep your long-distance relationship
alive, you should try not to think about it too much.
Yes, I know this is hard as hell, but doing this will keep you
alive, protect your sanity and prevent your overactive imagination
from getting the best of you. If this person is really the person
you believe him or her to be, it will be alright.
I leave you with the prospect of hope for long-distance
relationships. I don’t think the distance for my relationship is
too bad right now, since Palo Alto and Westwood aren’t that far
away, but do consider that my girlfriend’s actual home is on the
East Coast – that puts an entirely different spin on things. And
also consider that she’s going abroad to South America for six
months. So, this will be an even longer, long distance
relationship.
I just hope and pray that my phone bill isn’t too insane.
Abrajano is a fourth-year English and molecular cell and
developmental biology student. E-mail comments to
[email protected].