Monday, October 12, 1998
Be true to self, open with others
OUT: Coming Out Day marks milestone for gay recognition in
society
By Steven Leider
As gay holidays go, National Coming Out Day (NCOD) on Oct. 11 at
first glance doesn’t seem very important. That title goes to the
Gay Pride week activities that take place every June, which
commemorate the 1969 Stonewall riots in New York City Â
considered by most to be the birth of the modern gay civil rights
movement.
Nor is National Coming Out Day the most fun or glamorous of gay
holidays. Those distinctions are reserved for Halloween, a holiday
that for many members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and
Transgender (LGBT) community is the equivalent of New Year’s Eve,
Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day all rolled into one and tied up
with a feather boa. Nevertheless, I believe NCOD is still the most
important date on the gay calendar.
Originally founded in 1988 by gay activists Rob Eichberg, Jean
O’Leary and others, NCOD was conceived as a commemoration of the
First Gay and Lesbian March on Washington in 1987. Eichberg,
co-founder of The Experience, a gay and lesbian empowerment
seminar, and author of ‘Coming Out: An Act of Love’ (1991),
envisioned a world where, by the year 2000, it would be perfectly
acceptable in American society to be openly gay or lesbian.
Eventually, the Human Rights Campaign, a gay and lesbian
lobbying group based in Washington, D.C., took NCOD under its wing
and expanded its scope. Today National Coming Out Day is celebrated
throughout the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities.
However, its primarily focus is now on American college
campuses.
On many college campuses, NCOD extends into NCOW (National
Coming Out Week), with functions, celebrations and related
activities taking place over several days. This is the case at UCLA
where this year’s activities include, among other events, a
welcoming reception for LGBT graduate students; a presentation by
openly gay scholar and artist, Luis Alfaro, winner of the 1997
MacArthur ‘genius’ award; and the first UCLA LGBT dance in recent
memory. The Club Fabulous Dance will be held at the Bradley
International Center and will be jointly hosted by UCLA’s Gay and
Lesbian Association (GALA) and USC’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual
Association (GLAB).
NCOD’s importance, however, is not in the activities that
surround it. Rather, its importance lies in action; the act of
coming out of the closet as a gay man, a lesbian, a bisexual or a
transgender person are what lie at the heart of these
observances.
Everyone remembers that old Sally Field line, now a cliche.
When she won her second Academy Award, Field told the Academy
Awards audience, ‘You like me, you really like me!’ Everyone wants
to be loved for who they really are, and everyone’s deepest fear is
that, if others knew who they really are, they would cease to be
loved.
That sometimes the people we care about reject us when we come
out to them is what makes coming out so potentially frightening.
Living in the shadow of that fear is a tremendous burden  it
takes an enormous psychic toll in self-doubt, self-loathing and
self-denial. Energy that could be channeled into otherwise positive
activities is instead wasted in often futile attempts to hide who
we really are from others  others who frequently bear little
relevance to our life, love or happiness.
Worse, we deny the people closest to us  our families,
co-workers, fellow students, professors and many others  the
opportunity to know who we really are. By leaving unstated this
important fact about ourselves, many LGBT people feed their own
insecurity, forever questioning whether they are truly loved. When
we fail to reveal ourselves to others, we steal from them the
chance to know who we truly are.
Sometimes, but with decreasing frequency, our worst fears are
realized  we are rejected because of who we are, who we love.
At times it becomes necessary to remind ourselves that, because
they are contingent on our heterosexuality, the love and
relationships we most fear losing may not be worth keeping at all.
Conditional love is rarely worth what it takes to acquire or keep
it.
Sometimes the people we come out to have to go through a sort of
coming out process of their own. Few, if any, of us come to accept
our own sexual identity overnight. Of necessity, we are forced to
sort out our feelings and assimilate new facts about ourselves. It
takes time to integrate them into our sense of who we are. What may
initially appear to be rejection slowly becomes acceptance. In many
cases, our relationships with others become deeper and stronger as
a result of our coming out.
There are both physical and psychological benefits to coming out
as well. Many people report feeling as if a great weight had been
lifted from them. Some express a sense of enormous relief, as if a
giant hurdle had been overcome.
Others report having sudden and inordinate levels of energy.
Energy that had once been squandered on hiding is now available for
more productive activities. Nearly all experience coming out as a
liberating experience, lending truth to the old parable that the
truth shall set you free.
We celebrate National Coming Out Day because of the hope each of
us expresses when we come out.
In coming out, we hope that we will find love, that we will
continue to be loved, and that, ultimately, we will find that
special someone with whom to share our love.
This is the importance of National Coming Out Day.
If you or someone you care about is dealing with coming out
issues, there are many clubs, groups, organizations and programs at
UCLA to serve your needs.
Steven Leider
Leider is a first-year graduate student in the Division of
Higher Education and Organizational Change in the Graduate School
of Education and Information Studies. Visit the UCLA Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, and Transgender Campus Resource Center at 220 Kinsey
Hall. The Center is open to all UCLA faculty, staff and
students.
Comments, feedback, problems?
© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board[Home]