Wednesday, November 11, 1998
UCLA: Home of weather gods, pharoah
SUGGESTIONS: Bettering our lives means bearing shame, renting
movies
Now that former World Wrestling Federation (WWF) superstar Jesse
"The Body" Ventura has become governor of Minnesota, maybe you’ve
wondered what else can be done to better our nation. Maybe you
haven’t. I don’t really care, but I’m going to tell you anyway.
In the age of the 10-step program and the radio therapist, I
would like to propose a new method of self-improvement in America:
it’s called shame. That’s right, screw all this positive
reinforcement crap; if someone is humiliated enough, the person
will do anything to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So the next
time you see someone walking down the street who has some glaring
error, be sure to point it out. Literally, point and yell.
In fact, perhaps someone should patent a shame alarm clock.
Imagine waking up every morning to some voice spouting out insults
that make sure your lazy butt gets out of bed.
How about a VCR that you can call and program over the
telephone? You’ll never have to say "Damn, I missed Baywatch
Nights" ever again. How about a pizza place that also delivers
movies? How about a car that runs on boots? How about a beer that
tastes great and is less filling? Book me a 30-minute infomercial
spot at 3 a.m., baby. I’m on my way up.
Although it has room for improvement, America has made some
great contributions to the world. Take, for example, runaway
consumerism. In those so-called "cultured" countries such as
Britain, Italy and Burma, you won’t see people spending countless
dollars on an elephant-sized device whose sole purpose is to make
jerky  just because it comes with a complimentary
"salad-spinner", "kiwi-splicer" or "potato juicer." We’ve advanced
to such a high echelon of culture that we can actually spend money
on stuff we don’t even need and still be content. America: the land
of the free and home of the COD (Cash on Delivery).
I feel that America’s other great contribution to world culture
has to be its cinema. Now I’m not talking about fancy-pants,
art-house films about mildly retarded rednecks’ homicidal
tendencies or Marky Mark’s 13-inch schlong ("Boogie Nights"). No,
I’m talking about real American movies: event films.
You know what I mean. The ones that cost a tenth of a billion
dollars, star the entire cast of Melrose Place, and whose premise
involves swarms of gigantic bugs decapitating people or getting
decapitated themselves. I can’t help but wonder at the creative
process behind some movie concepts.
Something like one one-thousandth of every movie that ever gets
written actually makes it to the big screen, and somehow this
tactic still works. Hollywood Screenwriter: "Hey, I’ve got this
idea for a movie. It’s about these telepathic aliens with 15
mile-wide spaceships who invade earth and start killing everyone
except the main characters and their pets. Then, at the end, the
dork from ‘The Big Chill’ saves the world with a Powerbook. Oh,
yeah, and the guy from ‘Spaceballs’ is a fighter pilot who also
happens to be the president of the United States. Anyhow, I figure
it’ll cost about $500 million."
Hollywood Executive: "Go with it!"
So anyhow, there comes a time in every Viewpoint columnist’s
life where the writer starts to spout tyrannical orders on how to
better the nation. I guess I’m done with that. Why don’t I tell you
some proposals I have for bettering life in Westwood and life at
UCLA.
First, I would officially announce my candidacy for All-Powerful
Despot of Student Government. OK, that’s not going to happen any
time soon. But it should. I mean come on, a monarchy has worked for
Britain for hundreds of years, why shouldn’t it work for UCLA?
Stacy Lee could act as a "prime minister" of sorts, doing all the
work, and I could be the figurehead leader. I’d walk around campus
with a scepter and a crown, and everywhere I’d go students would
prostrate themselves before me and mutter something about not being
worthy.
Then again, the tour guides might have a tough time explaining
that to a bunch of prospectives. "On the left we have Powell
Library, and on the right we have our pharaoh." Although I suppose
they could just say the crown and scepter was a "pledge thing," and
just leave it at that.
My next idea involves the weather here at our school. We are all
familiar with university "fund raising" and the climate-controlling
green light at the top of Murphy Hall, which shines brightly upon
the university whenever people show up with cash and are willing to
give it up to the school  after a fair amount of kissing-up.
Unknown to all of us, however, is that this green light is actually
part of the administration’s conspiracy to manipulate the weather
in a two-part scheme to get cash while simultaneously turning us
all into creative loners.
Think about it: every time a big weekend comes, where potential
financial supporters show up  alumni reunions, prospective
students’ families and so on  the weather is impeccable. All
the students find their way out onto the green and socialize in the
veritable utopia which is UCLA. When the visit ends, however, the
money light turns off. In a matter of minutes, UCLA becomes
overcast and fog-filled, and we are all forced to leave.
Things shouldn’t be this way.
If we ourselves had the master controls to UCLA’s weather
machine, then it wouldn’t always rain during finals.
I would also formally like to protest the limited amount of
video rental places in Westwood Village.
It’s not that there isn’t a good selection or that there aren’t
enough films to go around. Far from it  I rarely rent movies,
and when I do it’s usually stuff that will never be checked out,
such as "Police Academy 6." It’s just that when UCLA students do
rent a film from a place and then return the film about three years
late  as we slackers tend to do  we can never rent
there again for fear of facing the devastating late-fee that we
incurred. So we are forced to frequent another establishment.
The problem, of course, is that the same thing happens again:
three years late there is an incalculable fee. After that second
film, however, there is almost no place else to go in the immediate
vicinity. There is only one solution to this problem. I figure if
every student rents a video a week for their entire time at UCLA,
they’d rent about 120 films before graduation. That means we need a
couple hundred more video stores here in Westwood. Did you hear
that, Blockbuster?
Well, it’s been quite a ramble, but I think it’s about time to
wrap it up.
In closing, I would just like to say I hope that everyone has a
happy Thanksgiving (I know it’s 15 days from now, but I can’t
wait).
And when you’re sitting around the table thanking the Lord in
Heaven that those wacky pilgrims got themselves persecuted over in
Europe and decided to high-tail it over to America, be sure not to
overdo it on the pumpkin pie and the stuffing.
Otherwise, the shame calorie monitor will give you hell the next
morning.
Daniel Inlender
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