Wednesday, November 25, 1998
How to write an effective opinion piece
COLUMNISTS: Joining Viewpoint staff is easy with help of
convenient template
You Viewpoint readers have probably noticed that the editorial
staff is currently accepting applications for Viewpoint columnist
for the next quarter. Perhaps you have thought to apply. After all,
you must have something to say, something to inspire or influence
your fellow Bruins. Perhaps your views transcend minor campus
concerns and you have something to sway opinion in this great big
world of ours.
Assuming you are a regular Viewpoint reader, you have probably
already come to the conclusion that you are better cut out for
Viewpoint writing than most of the people currently doing the job.
After all, we Viewpoint columnists are a bunch of petty
controversialists and inane ramblers. You can do better. You should
apply.
Despite your wealth of ideas and confidence in your skill,
however, you may not have the time. To put in the time on a column
destined for publication is one thing, but to spend all of that
time working on a sample for your application is another. The
editors might fail to recognize your genius, and then where would
you be?
I feel your pain, and I want to help. Below you will find a
template for a dynamite Viewpoint column, one sure to win you a
lucrative position on next quarter’s columnist staff. Just fill in
the appropriate parts of speech to turn my rough guideline into
your unique masterpiece. For greatest originality, it may help to
have a friend read off the categories and fill in the words for
you. Feel free to embellish as you see fit.
It seems as though (important political/social issue) has become
pretty important these days. My (academic subject) professor has
been spending a lot of time trying to get the class interested in
the relevant issues. I need only open up a newspaper to find the
likes of (celebrity) and (another celebrity) giving the tired
position which pundits have put forth since the dawn of time. Of
course, the classroom discussions my professor has fostered have
been tinged with typical student apathy, and all of those op-ed
pieces in (major newspaper) seem a little distant from the UCLA
experience. I know that this is supposed to be important, but I
thought I was the only Bruin to pay much mind to the matter.
Well, I was recently proved wrong. Last week I was reading this
paper – a frequent mistake – and found (Viewpoint columnist)’s
essay on the subject. Well, it would be no exaggeration for me to
say that this column was a (really nasty and certainly exaggerated
description of a misguided Viewpoint column).
Where do (the columnist) and (his or her) friends at (unpopular
political or religious group) get the nerve to spread these sorts
of lies?
Not only were the conclusions of this piece (really, really
nasty and unbelievably exaggerated description), but the arguments
did not even make sense. Has (the columnist) never taken a basic
course in (academic subject)? (He or she) is certainly a fool, but
(he or she) is an even bigger fool to lack even the basic facts on
this matter.
I could continue to pick on (the columnist), but that would be a
little too easy. Instead, I shall give the real story on (the
issue).
Perhaps this will help deal with the ignorance. First of all,
the (members of a political group) exaggerate some of the problems.
According to (controversial, but not completely unpopular political
or religious group), there were (number) cases of (noun) in 1997,
and only (number) cases of (noun). Now should we really believe
(the columnist)’s friends when they claim that the problem is "out
of control"? Yes, one case of (noun) is one too many, but as things
are now, we need not fear for our liberty.
My opposition’s ridiculous arguments have an obvious genealogy.
The (plural noun) would like to have us believe that (historical
figure) is their intellectual (grandfather or grandmother). Yes,
this revered (nationality) thinker may have uttered a few of (his
or her) famous aphorisms on this subject, and taken out of their
historical context they do look flattering to the other side. These
views, however, cannot be taken at face value these days. They were
put forth back in the (number)th century, a time when (good social
institution) was the exception and (bad social institution) was the
rule.
People did not even have the benefit of (scientist)’s
paradigm-shifting theories. Could (the historical figure) have said
such things in our modern world of (technological gadget, plural)
and infomercials?
No, the real source for all of this trouble came in (year) with
the publication of (a book you just know you would hate, even
though you have never read a single page of it). I remember that
when I read this book, I was filled with nothing but disgust.
Politics was saner when this (really, really, really nasty
description) "intellectual work" first came out, and it was ignored
inside the Beltway. Somehow it started a grass roots movement,
though, one which has recently reached its culmination.
Now Congress is filled with (animal species, plural) who claim
that (the book) should be required reading among their ranks.
Perhaps we can only wait for cooler heads to prevail. In the
meantime, though, we believers in (a virtue) should not cave in. I
realize that listening to an extremist like (evil politician) on
this subject is about as wise as listening to ("Friends" cast
member), but not all politicians are so (really, really, really,
really nasty description).
Take the view espoused by (not-so-evil politician), for example.
I think this view is perfectly correct in identifying an ethical
responsibility to (verb) our (plural nouns). I would hope that such
a sensible idea could be better executed, but with people like (the
columnist) all around us, this might be too much to hope for.
So there you have it, the perfect Viewpoint column. It has
everything: controversy, mild coherence, passable grammar, slight
cogency and erroneous factual information put in for a sense of
false credibility. It even uses the word "paradigm" (that should
impress your friends). The piece is so vituperative that it should
win a nifty position as a Thursday columnist (see the application
for more details). It is, however, a bit short. You will need to
add some length, and the best way to do this is to include an
anecdote from your life which is only slightly relevant to the
topic. If you do not have the time to do this, however, you should
not worry.
Now use this template to generate two sample columns. Print them
out, take them to the Daily Bruin office, grab an application, dash
off a few answers to its questions, and submit what you have. Just
make sure to do all of this by Monday, or a great opportunity will
be lost.
I look forward to reading your columns!
Patrick Friel
Comments, feedback, problems?
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