Tuesday, February 2, 1999
Doing God’s Work
SCIENCE: Cloning could be profitable, but toying with nature has
its price
The announcement by Chicago physicist Richard Seed that he wants
to attempt to clone a human being within two years sparked a
worldwide debate on the ethics of human cloning. Seed said, "God
intended for man to become one with God … cloning and
reprogramming of DNA is the first serious step in becoming one with
God."
Hmm … sounds like a pretty lofty and presumptuous statement.
Less than a week after Seed’s early January announcement, 19
European nations signed a treaty that bans human cloning, calling
the procedure "a violation of human dignity and a misuse of
science." President Clinton has called for a ban on human cloning,
and Congress is expected to follow.
I wonder if Seed (what an appropriate name for a cloning maniac)
has read Aldous Huxley’s "Brave New World." Somebody should loan
him a copy because I think he missed a valuable lesson.If you don’t
remember what happened in this bizarre tale of the great cloning
experiment, let me refresh your memory.
First, scientists tried to create a utopia in an experimental
island colony by cloning a physically and intellectually superior
race. But then everybody killed each other, because most people
were over ambitious and wanted to rule the world but nobody felt
like mopping floors or flipping burgers. Wait, that sounds like
South Campus.
Anyway, then scientists got smarter and decided on a hierarchy
of class structure with alphas at top and the lowly epsilons at the
bottom. But in order to keep the epsilons happy, they lived in a
brainwashed and inebriated (by "soma," kind of like Dopa) state of
existence. Well, my point is we already have our evil alphas (Bill
Gates) and our epsilons (the guy on crack wandering through
Westwood), and our local anesthetics (Budweiser and Marlboro), so
do we really need human cloning?
The recent cloning of the sheep "Dolly" in Scotland has proven
that the technology is now available to complete the operation
successfully. Well, we can only suppose that this is true. Don’t
all sheep look alike anyway?
If eccentric Richard Seed succeeds in his human cloning
endeavors, here is a hypothetical scenario of what might happen.
After being kicked out of the United States, Seed builds a
laboratory in a country where human cloning is not illegal (maybe
Antarctica) and offers its services to wealthy parents worldwide.
He comes up with a catchy name for his company, CLONID, with a
special introductory offer: "Buy one clone and get the next clone
free."
CLONID begins subcontracting existing mad scientists to perform
the cloning, and the project is underway. CLONID knows the hardship
of conventional methods of having kids. As Forrest Gump put it,
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna
get."
Having a kid is kind of like buying a car. You don’t want to
wake up one morning and, noticing a Daewoo parked in your driveway,
slap yourself while exclaiming, "Oh no, what was I thinking?" With
CLONID, all the test-driving is done for you. You can choose to
have a clone of someone you know or a clone of a famous person.
Check out our specials!
Clone your own drone! Due to unbelievable demand, CLONID has
reintroduced our basic drone package. Our mad scientists work
overtime to breed the optimum in human workers, and we can’t be
beat in this area. Order with your credit card and reserve your own
drone over the phone!
Our drones have a healthy balance of these three
characteristics.
"They’re hard working." We’ve found the laziness chromosome. Our
drones lack it!
"They can do specific tasks well." We can custom design your
drone for you. Need a test-taker? Garbage man? Need someone to wash
the pets? We’ve got you covered.
"They do what you tell them to." Our breakthrough technology
enables us to give you the perfect drones. Tell them to do
something and they will do it. No questions asked or your money
back.
We’re having a "Serial Killer Cell Sale." Planning a militia?
Forget your friends at the bar and get someone who really wants to
get the job done. We’ve got classics like Jeffery Dahmer, Charles
Manson, Jack the Ripper, the Zodiac Killer, Adolf Hitler, Timothy
McVeigh and many more. Come check out our huge selection.
Jesus! He’s finally here. Thanks to advances in science we can
take DNA samples from the shroud of Turin and use them to clone the
Second Coming!
This is fantastic, but to stop here would be blasphemy. Friends,
we should clone a Jesus for anyone who wants one. Why, any woman
that wanted to could immaculately conceive Jesus. No more
communicating with God through your pastor or priest. If you have a
question for God, you could just call home and ask him.
Just imagine a world with a Jesus in every household. Sounds
like heaven to me. I urge you to tell your friends and neighbors
about Jesus. No need to be greedy, they can have one too.
We’ve also got "Home Cloning Kits." Get a toothpick and get
ready to clone around. Grab a cheek cell and throw it in our kit
and get a fertilized egg, ready to go. The kit even includes an
instructional video to walk you through each step.
We’ve even got "The Grabber." Have you ever been jealous of
someone because they’re such a good person? Are you a parent who’s
tired of ugly and stupid children? Ever wanted that girl or guy who
sits in front of you but are too timid to approach them?
Quit worrying and get "The Grabber." With this handy little
device, you can instantly snag a cell off anyone with them barely
noticing you. Now you can have the child you’ve always wanted. And
it works perfectly with the home cloning kit.
And don’t miss our "Celebrity Cellout." Why settle for a regular
person when you can have a star! We have secretly obtained cells of
several prominent celebrities.
Choose from the thousands on our list. Whether you’d like a Tom
Cruise, a Tiger Woods, a Pamela Anderson or Michael Jordan, we’ve
got you covered. Or, cross two celebrities. Perhaps you want
someone who looks like Cindy Crawford, but can make as much money
as Bill Gates. Just let our mad scientists work for you.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
OK, now back to reality for a moment. If cloning does become
mainstream, just leave it to our venture capitalists to make an
ethical mess out of the whole situation. Imagine if your clone took
you to court because his heart accidentally gave out when he turned
20 years old due to some faulty genetic programming.
Now that you see that the possibilities are endless – not to
mention dangerous – we should step back, think and stop making
bizarre statements such as, "God intended for us to clone."
Comments, feedback, problems?
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