Friday, February 12, 1999
Rules help lovelorn survive barrage of romance, joy
COUPLES: Take one day out of year to wallow in pity, write moody
poetry
By Michelle Garrett
So, you’re utterly, hopelessly, painfully alone. Dejected.
Rejected. Neglected. All sorts of -ecteds. You’ve lived your whole
life waiting for that special person to come into your life, all
glowing and such, who will drop before you and dramatically
declare, "Take me, take me now!" Still waiting? Well, in this one
respect, you are not alone.
Although it may seem like everyone around you has suddenly
started clinging to each other as passionately as two slices of
bread in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are, in fact,
other people out there like you who completely lack love in their
lives.
Because this is a common plight, and because I, too, am very
experienced in the lovelorn arena, I have decided to compile a list
of ways to cope with this extremely bitter, ugly, nasty, all-around
unpleasant state.
They won’t solve your problems, or God knows, I wouldn’t be
sitting here at my computer compiling a handy reference list. (I’m
doing this for my own good as much as for yours). But they can
reduce those wretched pangs of heartache and loneliness you’re sure
to be feeling with magnified poignancy this Valentine’s Day.
1. Complain. Rationalize. This is the least creative, albeit
most fun, solution. Complain to everyone. Complain on the phone,
complain in e-mails, complain even to total strangers! It brings a
satisfaction that only self-loathing, self-pity and whining can
bring.
Complain to your loveless friends so that they can complain
back, but more importantly, complain to those bastards of friends
who actually have significant others. Disparage those traitors of
friends. Think about how betrayed you feel that they went out and
found happiness or just a meaningless fling. Then, make them feel
horrible about it. Trust me, it’s the only rational thing to
do.
It’s practically your duty.
My favorite approach is to make them feel dirty. Uphold your
purity as a single person. I once convinced my friend that while I
was still snowy, she was not. She had lost all snowiness after that
meaningless fling, and she was never going to recover her snowy
status. Sorry.
Another friend of mine also has a good method. She claims she
"doesn’t believe" in relationships. So, if all else fails, be a
conscientious objector.
2. Eat chocolate. Perhaps this is a given, but I hold the value
of chocolate in such high esteem that I must mention it.
When you feel like a really huge loser, nothing quite hits the
spot like chocolate. And in fact, I’ve heard that chocolate
actually releases the same chemicals as your body releases when
you’re in love.
Now, I’m no scientist, but I have gathered some substantiating
evidence from my psychobiology class. It seems that some chemical
called dopamine is associated with pleasure, and food and sex both
lead to its release.
In studies, rats who are fed chocolate milk and rats who get it
on both release dopamine and are basically observed to be in a
content and "satiated" mood afterward.
3. Write dark poetry. For those who are less interested in
chemical solutions (hey, if that’s all it takes you could just turn
to drugs), there’s always the emotional catharsis of writing
ever-relevant dark poetry.
Be as dramatic as you want. In fact, the more melodramatic, the
better. Go for rhyme and meter if you’re feeling ambitious and a
bit crafty, or just rant and rave to your little heart’s
content.
It worked for all those famous writers, it worked for Jewel, and
it can work for you.
If you really want to get into it, round up a group of fellow
love-losers, and have a dark dramatic poetry reading. You and your
friends will be surprised at how deep and emotionally charged you
are. Afterward, you’ll feel purged.
4. Make up pick-up lines. This might seem slightly
unconventional, but it’s quite enjoyable. First, pick out your
ideal lust object. Next, give him or her a nickname, which should
be the thing you associate him or her with, and add "boy" or "girl"
(as applicable). For example, if you lust over the girl at the gym,
it’s "Gym Girl."
In high school, one of my selected lust objects was a library
check-out boy, so I nicknamed him "Bar Code Boy." Once that’s
accomplished, start writing your pick-up lines for the particular
situation. Here are some sample Bar Code Boy pick-up lines which my
friends and I came up with:
"Hey baby, thanks for checkin’ me out!" (wink wink)
"You’re No. 1 in my Dewey Decimal System."
"You can scan my bar code anytime!"
"How ’bout you and me head on up to the Juvenile Romance
section?"
"Wow! That’s a really big laser pen!"
This last one brings me to an important point: with a little
imagination, just about anything can be construed as a phallic
symbol.
Remember, your pick-up lines can be as cheesy and groan-inducing
as you want, because they’re pick-up lines!
5. Try some Mix Tape Therapy. The great thing about feeling
really lame and pathetic due to your sucky love life is that there
are so many songs relating to the subject. I recently discovered
that I could really bond with my CD collection when I was feeling
like a particularly huge loser.
Mix Tape Therapy is pretty self-explanatory. Simply pick out all
the songs that express exactly how you’re feeling and compile them
onto one tape. You can have it tell a story, with a chronological
ordering of songs progressing a particular love saga, or you can
just group songs together in a theme. I endorse any Weezer for when
you just feel like a huge dork living a life primarily of pain,
early Green Day for when you have a crush on someone who you can’t
have, and well, just about any album will have some pained love
songs on "it."
Don’t forget Everclear’s classic, "You Make Me Feel Like A
Whore," which is a nice touch to any pathetic mix tape.
Well, I hope my guide for the lovelorn has been of some aid to
you. Remember that the best way to deal with your pain and despair
is to wallow in it. You may end up producing some gems that will be
treasured by future generations, whether it be your dark poetry or
your classic pick-up lines.
Remember, the best creations are always products of pain. And if
you are someone who has found love, contentedness, happiness,
peace, etc. – you’re dirty.
Comments, feedback, problems?
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