Thursday, February 18, 1999
Female leaders ready to change world
ELECTION: Women will sweep into top offices, correct errors made
by generations of males
The moment I have been waiting for is almost here; I can feel it
in my bones. Soon, very soon, maybe even in 2000, a beautifully
manicured right hand will rest gracefully on the Bible as the first
woman is sworn in to take Miss Liberty’s place and preside over our
spacious skies and amber waves of grain. That’s right – before you
know it, a woman – a strong, collected and intelligent woman – will
be the president of her sweet land of liberty.
A TIME/CNN/Gallup poll revealed that Elizabeth Dole would knock
Al Gore right off the ballot in a head-to-head race in 2000. This
is no surprise.
We have waited years to hear about a possible feminine victory.
Besides, let’s face it: Gore is a make-me-snore bore.
Since we know that a female victory is finally on the horizon,
will the country be able to handle it?
Will men be able to swallow their phallic pride long enough to
stop making menstruation jokes?
Will women cease their cattiness to assist each other in this
well-fought struggle?
Will the media end their asinine commentary on skirt lengths and
hairstyles? I hope so. Because it is about time the nation woke up
from her political coma to realize the potential of "the most
powerful woman in the world."
First, a few preparations. It is time to get rid of that long,
large, in-your-face Washington Monument. And while we are at it,
can we please erect some statues of women, like Harriet Tubman or
Elizabeth Cady Stanton? Maybe Bella Abzug or Amelia Earhart or …
I could name many, many more, if only I had been taught about women
in my oh-so-diverse A.P. U.S. History class.
A major perk to having a female president is that she can regain
the respect this mighty nation once commanded of the rest of the
world.
The administration will surely be less scandalous than it has
been throughout our proud history of Mr. Presidents. A Ms.
President would never soiree with an intern. Young boys are simply
too sexually naive. (Actually, maybe she would, since she would
reach her 40-year-old sexual peak just as he reaches his
post-pubescent splendor.) At least she would never resort to
illegal fund-raising; after years of smart sales and discount
shopping, she would have plenty of funds.
She also wouldn’t break into Watergate to steal secret
information because her feminine intuition (since "women know
everything") will gather all the dirt.
Now to the crux of the president’s power: her Cabinet. And we
are not talking the wood-varnished kind overstuffed with plastic
storage containers and dietary supplements.
Those days are long gone. First, for obvious reasons, we are
bringing former surgeon general Jocelyn Elders back. Madeline
Albright can stay as the secretary of state. Who better for
secretary of self-defense than Barbara Boxer? Or perhaps Madonna
(big muscles and all that).
Margaret Thatcher will be flown in once a week for girl talk on
how to combat pig-headed testosterone. Ally McBeal will be the
attorney general. Barny Frank can serve as the president’s friend
and confidante.
Heading the traditionally female secretarial department, Vernon
Jordan will take dictation instead of Betty Currie. Screw that
tradition.
I wonder what life will hold for our very first First Gentleman?
Will he be required to accompany the President to political dinners
or will he insist on staying home and watching the big game in the
Lincoln bedroom?
Will he visit repressed, abused husbands in developing
countries? Oh wait – that would never happen because all he would
find are the repressors! (Silly me.)
Perhaps he will lead a campaign against shopping: "Just Say No
… to malls." Or he might write a book: "It Takes a Village …
And a Beer."
Now that we have taken care of some logistical housekeeping,
let’s ponder some other positive changes that might take place in a
country blessed with a politi-gal goddess. Elizabeth Dole, Diane
Feinstein, me, all presidential hopefuls who might rule the Rose
Garden instead of arranging the roses. Here is how the clouds may
take shape in our beautiful, spacious skies in the coming
years.
Tori Amos and Erykah Badu will sing at the inauguration.
"Wife-beater" tank tops will go out; "hubbie-hitters" will be
all the rage.
The Democratic mascot will be a kangaroo and a koala,
challenging the Republicans’ elephant (maternal marsupials).
In 2002 we will celebrate the Year of the Loofah.
The NFL will become the Nation’s Friends of Lysistrata, an
organization devoted to keeping the peace.
A woman will walk on the moon.
The CIA will become the Children’s Intellectual Advancement, and
special agents would learn top training techniques to ensure that
we clean house of the bureaucratic school administrations fraught
with teachers who don’t know, don’t care, don’t teach.
A 50/50 equity rule will be enforced from sea to shining sea.
This includes housework. It will be a federal offense for men to do
any less than 50 percent of their share.
Self-defense classes will be a requirement for preteen
girls.
Any establishment with a defective tampon machine will lose its
business license. And, all tampons will be federally
subsidized.
There will be 25 female governors instead of just three. (See
50/50 rule above.)
Athletes earning over $10 million a year will be put into a
newly added tax bracket called "Sensible." The bracket will take
ridiculous surplus dollars and redistribute them. That way,
everyone – jocks and fans – will get to see the money in action as
it goes toward implementing the new CIA, a child care system that
actually works. And while we’re at it, let’s add a new tax on
remote control devices of any kind.
Insurance companies will cover birth control pills, since many
already cover Viagra.
A woman’s haircut will cost 10 bucks, about as much as a
man’s.
Women will make an astounding 100 cents to every man’s
dollar.
Every thigh-toning device will be confiscated and destroyed,
along with every copy of "The Rules," back-breaking high heels,
girdles and pantihose.
Millions of budget dollars will be spent on research to discover
a way to impregnate men. This would ensure a more equal division
of, uh, labor.
D.H. Lawrence will be required reading. Oh, and Gloria Steinem,
too.
War will be – wait, what’s war?
The Equal Rights Amendment will finally pass.
Stephanie Pfeffer
Pfeffer is a fourth year English and communication studies
student. E-mail her at [email protected].
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