I’m going to kill you. I’m going to pick up a gun and slay the
lot of you. It’s a guaranteed certainty. I’ve seen too many
episodes of "Thundercats," so watch out! It’s not an unusual
argument. For a long time, people have said that the bad things we
see on TV translate to bad things in real life. There is a word for
people who believe this; they’re called idiots.
If you don’t believe me, take a look at the latest case of
idiocy. Perhaps some of you have seen the new NBC animated series,
"God, the Devil and Bob." But some of you haven’t, especially those
of you who live in the South. You remember the South, right? It’s
that place we have to cover with a tarp in case intelligent life
comes from another planet and we don’t want to embarrass
ourselves.
Well, the geniuses who brought us Tammy Faye Bakker and music
about transmission fluid have decided that "God, the Devil and Bob"
is too blasphemous to be aired on television and they censored it.
Apparently, Confederate flags and KKK meetings are still OK.
In fact, pressure from affiliates became so great that last
week, NBC was forced to pull the plug on the show altogether.
It would be easy to blame this on the South, but other states
such as Idaho and Utah have also joined the crusade against
non-violent, thought-provoking cartoons. Fortunately for viewers in
some of these regions, you may still be able to catch the show on
the WB network (motto: Still just a notch above UPN!).
Just as an example of the kind of blasphemy you might see on
"God, the Devil and Bob," take a look at any episode and you will
see God wearing sunglasses. That’s right, my true believers,
sunglasses! Is this the kind of message we want to send our
children? Do we want our children raised in a world with a weak
God, one whose retinas are so frail they will crumble without
protection from UV rays?
As Nihad Awad, executive director of the American Islamic
Council said recently on CNN, "This kind of tasteless and trivial
portrayal of God does a disservice to the millions of American
television viewers who have deeply felt religious beliefs."
In a related story, millions of American television viewers who
have deeply felt religious beliefs sent a note saying, "Dear Mr.
Awad, Thank you for making our moral decisions for us. As mindless
sheep, we would have been utterly traumatized by seeing God drink
the beer he so lovingly created. If you could also have ‘The
Simpsons’ drawn and quartered it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks again on behalf of all humorless moralizers. Sincerely, Your
Flock."
This is just the latest extension of the battle against fake
violence on TV. As I said before, this argument is a steaming pile
of dingo feces. It goes something like this:
1. Child is cherubic and perfect.
2. Child watches "Jem and the Holograms."
3. Child opens fire on school cafeteria.
It must be true, right? The "Trenchcoat Mafia" grew up watching
"G.I. Joe" and "The Smurfs"; that’s why they became cold-blooded
killers. Hey wait a minute, I grew up watching "G.I. Joe" and "The
Smurfs." So did you! In fact, so did millions of perfectly sane
people!
Sure we’ve had a "rash" of school shootings, but this "rash"
consists of seven or so incidents over several years. We live in a
country of 270 million people 6,000 miles wide, and we overhaul the
media because of seven (however tragic) crimes? We have, easily,
that many drug dealers shot a day, and I guarantee the Snorks had
nothing to do with it (although drugs certainly had something to do
with the Snorks).
Of course, we never had violence before the entertainment
industry invented it. Back in ye olden days, families used to go
outside, get some exercise and spend quality time together at such
wholesome outings as public beheadings.
As opposed to the senseless violence on "Walker, Texas Ranger,"
guillotining teaches kids an important lesson about the oppression
of the proletariat, as well as how to get artery stains out of a
tunic.
If the phenomenon isn’t present across the board, then it isn’t
there at all. That’s simple South Campus logic, and I should know,
having spent a grand total of ten minutes on South Campus.
If TV causes violence, then we should all be equally violent. So
what’s really going on?
Some say the problem might be that there is just too much TV
being watched out there. For example, following the lead of MTV2,
other channels are releasing sister stations as well. Comedy
Central will soon be unveiling C2, which shows "Ferris Bueller’s
Day Off" on a continuous 24-hour loop. Also in the works is the
Adult Animal Planet, which consists solely of documentary footage
of hyenas and orangutans getting it on.
TV is simply an easy target. Rather than blame bad parenting, or
our crummy educational system, or – gasp – making the children
responsible for their own actions, it is far easier, as a favorite
evil cartoon once proclaimed, to "Blame Canada!"
We’ve tried to get rid of real violence, and we’ve failed
miserably. Maybe if we can prevent the fake violence we’ll feel a
little better. If Bruce Willis could fire one less blank, just
think how many extras could be saved. The number of people who have
died on "ER" alone could fill one- third of Arlington National
Cemetery. The Screen Actors Guild kindly asks that we have a moment
of silence for all the people who were killed on all the Titanic
movies, and for those brave little Ewoks, too.
This is a moment of silence, so don’t read it out loud.
We need to make sure our children don’t see violence and
blasphemy out there, otherwise they might believe it actually
exists. Somehow we think reducing fictional evils counts for
solving problems in real society. We see less violence, therefore
there must be less violence. How did we get so blind?
Some say the problem is that TV convinced those kids at
Jonesboro to pick up guns and slaughter their classmates. As
fictional TV bigot Archie Bunker once said, "Would you feel any
better if they were pushed out of windows?" TV doesn’t create
criminals. It just makes criminals more creative.
The fact is, TV doesn’t cause nearly as much trouble as economic
disadvantage or crummy parenting. But I know some of you believe
that what you see and read is still influential. Well, if you
really want to get rid of something that’s powerfully influential,
and is full of explicit sex and violence, then we have no choice
but to ban the Bible. Now there’s some blasphemy that even "God,
the Devil and Bob" wouldn’t endorse.
Keep watching, and keep reading. As the "God, the Devil and Bob"
Web site says itself, "your television is equipped with state of
the art technology that allows it to actually turn off at the push
of a button."
Remember, don’t let zealots tell you what you can and can’t
watch. It’s not up to them. You have the power. You have the
click.