Father’s Day is coming. What kind of thoughts does the day
bring up for you? Searching for the perfect tie? Deciding what kind
of gift would be most appropriate for that hard-to-shop-for father?
Just trying to remember to phone home?
Or is your family one of the increasingly fatherless homes? Does
Father’s Day represent a gap for you in what a family is
“supposed” to look like? How could you celebrate a day
that asks you to remember something you never had?
Such questions spawn thoughts about the role a father is
supposed to fulfill. If you grew up without a father, what are the
things that he was supposed to give you? You may or may not have
missed out on them.
Well, first of all, that would depend on whether you are a man
or a woman. Researchers have found that, developmentally, boys
start to look to their fathers as role models of what a man should
be when they reach their teenage years while daughters seek
reassurance from their fathers when they become attracted to the
opposite sex (since they want to hear from their fathers that they
are pretty, etc.).
Another thing that researchers tend to find is that in families
with both fathers and mothers, the father is usually more playful
and in charge of discipline, while the mother is more nurturing.
These are the general research findings, though there are
definitely families that do not follow these generalities.
The point here is that a father serves several valuable
purposes. One is instilling discipline in children. Another is
teaching kids how to just let loose and have fun in safe ways. And
finally, fathers teach their sons how to be men and reassure
daughters of their self-worth.
All of these examples assume that children have fathers and,
moreover, that they have good fathers.
Well, what happens to children who either don’t have
fathers, or who have faulty fathers? Will they most certainly lose
out on the lessons spelled out above? No, because thankfully, the
world is filled with men who can step in and help out. If you are
one of the many children who grew up in a fatherless home, can you
think of the person or people from whom you learned the above
lessons?
For instance, from whom did you learn discipline? Most likely,
your mother stepped in here and provided you with the discipline
you needed. There were probably also many other people within the
school system and other public systems (perhaps day care, church,
etc.) who also let you know when you were getting out of line and
how you could develop better self-control.
Who taught you how to have fun in safe ways? Unfortunately,
there are many children who grow up practicing destructive habits
because they find them fun. Hopefully, you have found someone in
your life to teach you that you can have fun without engaging in
self-destructive behaviors. Take some time and think about that
person, and be grateful for what he or she has done for you.
Interestingly, so far, the two lessons discussed could have been
taught by either a man or a woman. If you are a guy, though, who
taught you how to be a man? If it was your father, great! You fit
the research profile, and you should have no problem with
Father’s Day. Some of us, however, did not get that lesson
from our fathers.
While my family had a father who was present, he didn’t
really spend much time talking to his children. But I remember
meeting a man who taught me almost everything about what a man
should be. He was my boss at one of my first jobs, and he was
sensitive and caring but still masculine. And that is what I have
strived to be.
So this Father’s Day, I will take time to remember all of
what he gave me. This speaks to the fact that many men in their
early 20s find an older man to serve as a mentor. If you can
remember a mentor that meant a great deal to you, remember him on
Father’s Day.
And finally, to the ladies who had no fathers, who reassured you
that you were attractive? Maybe it was the first boyfriend you had,
or maybe it was a family friend or an uncle. Interestingly, this
reassurance seems to be more meaningful if the person reassuring
the girl expresses no sexual interest but just reinforces the idea
that she is attractive to others. If the first person who tells a
girl that she is attractive also expresses sexual interest, you can
imagine how that might make the girl feel.
This also brings up a point to ponder about gay and lesbian
children. If we all need an adult in our lives to reassure us that
we are attractive to whatever gender that we happen to be attracted
to, then it would follow that gay and lesbian children would need a
gay or lesbian role model of the same sex to reassure them that
they are attractive.
Obviously, this is a gap that is difficult to fill; firstly,
because lesbian and gay children have to acknowledge and accept
their sexual orientation, and secondly, because only about 10
percent of the world is lesbian or gay. But if you are lesbian or
gay and you happened to find a role model who provided that
reassurance to you, remember that role model on Father’s Day
as someone who filled a father’s role.
So if you were a child raised without a father or had a bad or
abusive father, think about the people who helped fill in the gap,
and remember them on Father’s Day. And if you are a person
who can provide the valuable life lessons outlined above for a
child you know, then by all means, become a mentor to that
child.
If you are interested in becoming a mentor to a person who needs
you, then become a Big Brother or Big Sister or ask your church
about other opportunities. Finally, if you are gay or lesbian and
wish to become a mentor to someone who is coming out or just needs
a positive role model, go to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and
Transgender Resource Center on the second floor of Kinsey Hall for
information on their mentoring program. This way, Father’s
Day can become a day of celebration ““ not regrets ““ for
everyone.