Andrew Jones  We have seen the
enemy ““ and he hails from Tennessee. Contact Andrew Jones at
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In this year’s upcoming presidential election, the race
will come down to a very simple question: “Do I know who I am
voting for?” The answer, at least at this still-early
juncture of the race, is a resounding “No.”
Voters have thus far been easily seduced by image over reality,
and promise over history. Thus, we have reached the situation in
which Al Bore enjoys a moderate to strong lead in the presidential
race over the fresh face and fresh ideas of George W. Bush.
In every facet of the race, Bush is the stronger candidate, but
through some perverted “new math,” all of these
positives somehow add up to a negative. Rather than immediately
detail the reasons why Al Gore should not, and must not, be the
next president of the United States, perhaps it is more instructive
to examine why George W. Bush is the man to blaze a path out of
Clinton’s Garden of Iniquity.
Social Security, traditionally the third rail of American
politics, is for the first time in decades a topic of serious
discussion. Gore’s slogan promises to “preserve”
Social Security in its current form, when what the program really
needs is at least a bold revision. What Social Security really
needs is a complete overhaul, but Bush, no dummy, realizes that the
voters, bloated by decades of the government’s monthly
checks, are not yet ready to take their medicine.
 MICHAEL SHAW/Daily Bruin Bush’s plan, by contrast,
will partially privatize a portion of the younger worker’s
contributions into funds that may be managed for extreme stability,
while still giving a far greater return than Social Security could
ever dream of.
Social Security funds have traditionally been invested in
government bonds. It sounds like a strong enough investment, but,
factoring in inflation, workers receive a ludicrous 1.5 percent on
their money. The most pathetic, bottom-floor Wells Fargo savings
account pays two percent, while no-brainer investments like CDs and
money-markets ““ both FDIC insured ““ pay 5 to 7 percent.
Without increasing a worker’s investment risk one iota,
Bush’s plan would at least triple the rate of appreciation on
Social Security investments.
Should a worker choose to “play fast and loose” with
his money and stick his money in those wildly fluctuating
investments insiders like to call mutual funds, a return of 10
percent yearly is quite typical.
But Bush’s no-brainer plan, which would in effect refloat
the sinking Social Security boat, is met with derision and outright
hostility by many. Some have accused Bush of trying to place their
money in “risky” investments, and forecasted doomsday
predictions of workers taking their money and plunging it into
Florida swampland. While such an action is in theory possible, a
person could also ruin themselves financially in a million other
ways.
One wonders how those who see Bush’s plan as
“radical” ever manage to cross the street, let alone
drive a car. Every turn is suffused with danger. What if I’m
rear-ended at this stoplight? What if an armed intruder enters my
home and murders me in cold blood? If Bush’s plan is unsafe,
then perhaps reading this newspaper is too risky as well. The ink
rubbing off on your fingers might contain lead and risking a paper
cut is sheer suicide!
Social Security, in its present state, is startlingly similar to
the drug war in its goal of protecting the public from itself. With
Social Security, the goal is to protect Americans from poverty.
With the drug war, the menace to be battled is illegal substances.
Oddly enough, neither seems to be gaining any headway against their
respective nemeses.
Social Security, with its blanket approach to investment, has
simultaneously guaranteed subsistence to those who depend on it,
and doomed those who might have made better use of their workplace
contributions. Perhaps America has not learned the lesson of
inequality: in a democracy, some will do well, and some will do
worse. Social Security guarantees an unhappy medium, in which no
one starves, but, because of this, no one feasts.
The Soviet Union crumbled under the weight of this realization,
but Al Gorebachev’s plan will delay the inevitable collapse
of this national Ponzi scheme for several more generations.
For a man who speaks so convincingly of wanting a “better
world for our children,” Gore’s policies amount to
chewing gum and baling wire when what the program needs is a
serious overhaul. An infusion of fantasy “surplus”
money will not solve the problems, only delay complete collapse to
a later date.
A comprehensive list of reasons why we should vote for Gore
actually reveals just the exact opposite.
1) Al Gore invented the Internet … and all these years later,
our collective hard drive runneth over with porn and illegal music
files.
2) Al Gore knew President Clinton was telling the truth about
Monica Lewinsky … and therefore was shocked, just shocked,
he’ll tell you, when the man he spends half of his waking
hours with turned out to have actually had an “inappropriate
relationship” with the intern. The more heartless have
suggested that the Clinton-Gore administration itself has had an
“inappropriate relationship” with the country since Day
One, but Slick Willy’s swingin’ ways seem to have
caught the fancy of America, so perhaps they’ve got it
wrong.
3) Al Gore didn’t realize his appearance at the Buddhist
temple was a fundraising appearance … and in a related
controversy, also didn’t realize that he had inadvertently
removed Tipper’s lower intestinal tract while probing her in
what is politely referred to as “The Kiss” at the
Democratic National Convention.
4) Al Gore has chosen a Jew with lots of “chutzpah”
as his vice president to add an element of morality to an otherwise
secular ticket … but Lieberman, a man with “strong moral
convictions” who gave a widely heralded
“tongue-lashing” to Clinton, promptly voted against
convicting the president, despite his supposed outrage.
5) Al Gore is his “own man,” and has cleansed
himself of Clinton improprieties … but has no problem crediting
the current economic boom, which actually started in the mid-1980s,
as the work of “his” Clinton-Gore administration. Al
Gore, it would seem, is his own man when needed, but like Clinton
when it reflects well on him. Well, Al, which one is it?
6) Al Gore wants our nation’s children safe, and gun
control will be a definite ingredient is his safety pledge … but
soon to be announced is his pledge to create a Federal Bureau of
Things That Might Hurt You. Rumored to be high on Gore’s
blacklist are sharpened pencils. Children have lost eyes to pencils
more times than he can count and, tragically, many have even fallen
and impaled themselves on these pointed forest products. As a wood
product himself, Al Bore has always been a little jumpy around
sharp metal objects, so pencil sharpeners are very likely next on
the list.
With the help of his faith, and his wife Tipper, Al seeks to
eliminate every danger facing every American. Please, vote for Al
Gore. Without him, America will degenerate into a stinking cesspool
of self-sufficiency, personal accountability, and most horrifying
of all, outright intelligence.
Your vote for Al Gore will send a clear message to Washington
that we will no longer stand for such things!