Mayar Zokaei Zokaei is for real, and you
can e-mail him at [email protected].
College basketball has barely started but Steve Lavin, you sir,
are going to have a trying year.
You will be victimized this year in more ways than one.
You will be a victim of chronology, because basketball comes
after football, and the gridiron guys haven’t done all that
well this year.
Considering the propensity of the football team to ultimately
falter, right around the time you guys are scratching up the
parquet, your clean season-slate could be tainted with a black dye
similar to your cool road jerseys.
You will also be a victim of youth. Your projected starting
lineup is comprised of only one senior.
The aforementioned deficiency flows nicely into my third point:
you will be a victim of Los Angeles. Only once in the last four
years has USC finished ahead of UCLA in conference play. But with a
first-string of only juniors and seniors, the Trojans have arrived.
And soon they’ll pass your club as the city’s best.
Here is my list of advice and hints with regard to each player,
that could help you perpetuate your job ““ for one more
season, at least. It’s a preseason roast with a side order of
nicknames included at no extra charge. And since we recently found
out you have problems with numbers and names, as you did when you
accidentally gave Kevin Malone the digits of some Jamal kid last
week, I’ve used players names in caps:
MATT BARNES “AND NOBLE”: I thought he was going to
play football. He only dunked on me once, and though I can’t
knock his hustle or heart, this guy isn’t aggressive enough.
There’s always a certain bookstore that’s hiring.
RICO “KARMA” HINES: Let me get this right: Your
co-captain tries to turn Barnes into a pirate by heaving a chair at
his eye, and then two weeks later, Hines tears cartilage in his
knee and is relegated to a chair until Christmas? Ironic. Bob
Knight would be proud, though.
EARL “ELEMENTARY” WATSON: This guy is the leader of
your team, and with the baggy pants he wears around campus,
he’s literally going to bring everyone along for the ride.
Too bad he’s only been regarded as the second-best Bruin
every year (see Jason Kapono, Baron Davis).
DAN “I’LL BE A 23-YEAR-OLD JUNIOR” GADZURIC:
Hey big man, you have to walk before you run, know what I’m
saying? He almost followed his boys J-squared out of school last
year, and it’s a good thing he pulled a Kapono. Before he
Rushes into oblivion or ends up averaging no-Moiso than a point a
game, here’s a more tangible goal: ask him for a double-digit
scoring average this season.
TJ CUMMINGS “AND GOING”: The word about
Terry’s kid was that he was big and had mad game, but after
committing four fouls in six minutes in an exhibition match, the
dude just seems mad. At least he’s tall.
JOSIAH “DON’T CALL ME MARQUES’ KID”
JOHNSON: He’s been dubbed a “legacy” player, and
you’ve probably never heard of this guy or his high school
(Montclair Prep), but I saw him earn MVP honors in an all-star
game, and he can stroke it. He joins Hines on the
“All-Christmas team” after suffering a stress fracture.
But when he returns, he should provide a spark, if not some glow on
top.
JASON KAPO- “NO SHOT IS A BAD SHOT”: Enjoy him while
you can, because barring injury, this surfer will parlay an 18-20
points per game average into ““ bling! bling! ““ the NBA
draft in June.
JASON “DON’T CALL ME ANTEATER” FLOWERS: A
Flowers from Bellflower, this diminutive Bruin and former UC Irvine
guard could blossom as soon as he recovers from his “heart
ailment.” Unfortunately, he forgot his shot ““ in Orange
County.
BILLY “THE KID” KNIGHT: My favorite player on the
squad because he let me play with him at the Wooden Center. If you
ask me, he should get the ball every time. The only thing he might
want to consider is that the backboard is your friend, not your
wife. Fast fact: Billy scores in double digits 66 percent of the
games when he has the Kobe “˜fro going, single digits when
he’s parlaying a Mr. Clean shiner.
RYAN “MOOSE” BAILEY: I spared him because brother
Toby is the greatest UCLA basketball player that ever lived. Moose
is the best 23-year-old on this year’s team.
RYAN WALCOTT and RYAN MOLLINS: Uhhh … who?
RAY “HE GOT BIG CALVES” YOUNG: He’s probably
the most athletic player on the squad, especially with those
melon-sized calves. I’m just afraid he might jump too high
and turn Pauley Pavilion into the Skydome.
TODD “I USE REMBRANDT TOOTHPASTE” RAMASAR: Lavin is
hoping this former walk-on can rebound from shoulder surgery that
sidelined him last season. Considering his career average in
rebounds is 0.3, it’s not likely. Gets my vote for nicest
smile though.