Jeff and the Fresh Prints  Jeff
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Things are getting really ugly over at USC and I don’t
just mean the cheerleaders. If you’re a regular reader of my
column, you’re probably my mom or that girl that keeps
calling and hanging up, and you’re expecting me to rip the
last-place Trojans to pieces. But I won’t. Not until the
‘SC issue on Friday, of course. Stay tuned. “¢bull; “¢bull;
“¢bull; Florida is a hot topic this week, as three of the top four
college football teams are from the state. And there’s also
that thing with Gore and that guy from Texas. I keep hearing about
Manuel Recount, whom I think plays soccer for Argentina. And then
there’s the Electoral College, which may be as dumb as the
BCS, but could still beat USC in football. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
The NBA is getting into the flow of things, and surprisingly, Allen
Iverson’s 76ers are the only unbeaten team in the league. It
must be Iverson’s inspirational rap lyrics, such as
“Get money, kill and fuck bitches/ I’m hitting
anythin’ and plannin’ on usin’ my riches.”
Back in my day, we sang about how we had the spirit, yes we did.
Iverson says he is a good role model, but I think he meant parole
model. Many of his fans are following in his footsteps though,
clamped ankle and all. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; I heard that truck
driver and Utah forward Karl Malone recently released an album of
his own, blending country with rap. It’s called crap. “¢bull;
“¢bull; “¢bull; The Boston Celtics put Jerome Moiso on the injured
list last week. Moiso has scored three points with 10 boards this
season. Yes, the entire season. In one game against Cleveland, the
tall West Indian played three minutes, netting three points while
committing three fouls and three turnovers. Now, I hope Jerome does
well in the NBA, because he was the biggest sweetie pie I knew last
year, but the guy’s got as much confidence in himself as a
47-year old virgin. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; The Cleveland Cavaliers
are leading the Central Division. If you can name one of their
players, I’ll send you a prize. Yeah, keep thinking (note:
human beings are not eligible for prizes). “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
So it looks like we’ve got a basketball team here at UCLA.
The Bruins split their two games in the Big Apple, but made a big
statement. Earl Watson has improved into a star point guard, and he
is the key to UCLA’s success. Jason Kapono makes threes look
easier than a drunken USC sorority girl, and can single-handedly
keep UCLA in any game. And freshman TJ Cummings burst onto the
scene like Pamela Lee after a bra failure, showing he’s got a
money shot and can make an impact this year. “¢bull; “¢bull;
“¢bull; The Chargers should be charged with impersonating a
football team, as they lost again, dropping to 0-10, with the odds
of finishing 0-16 pretty good. In fact, I predict they will go
0-16, so now it is a certainty. Ryan Leaf told reporters after the
game that he wants to do whatever is best for the team to get a
win. In that case, he should just go away. Far, far away. “¢bull;
“¢bull; “¢bull; The Raiders lost to the Broncos Monday night after
a last-second field goal by Jason Elam, a sour ending ending for
the four Raider fans not currently in prison. “¢bull; “¢bull;
“¢bull; I’ve got a new feature starting today, called
“Straight Up Now Tell Me,” inspired, of course, by
ex-Laker girl Paula Abdul. Senior wide receiver Drew Bennett,
probably the most athletic and versatile guy on the football team,
is my first interviewee.
What do you think of Britney Spears? “Fox.” Do you
have any superstitions before games? “Yeah, I always get the
same amount of gum sticks and eat them in the same order of colors
““ red, then yellow, then green.” Where do you see
yourself in 11 years? “Ruling the world, mostly. At least the
United States.” You’re the do-it-all guy. What
can’t you do? “I can’t ice skate, can’t
talk in different accents and I can’t hit a golf ball.”
What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever used?
“What humps like a tiger and winks?” (yes, he winked at
me) What’s your crowning athletic achievement?
“Finishing the L.A. Marathon. It took me six hours, but it
was on three hours of sleep and it was a decision that day.”
What’s your favorite cartoon and cereal? “Definitely
Duck Tales and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” “¢bull; “¢bull;
“¢bull; And now it’s time for this week’s USC joke. Why
should the Trojans change their mascot to an opossum? Because they
play dead at home and get killed on the road. “¢bull; “¢bull;
“¢bull; If you have any ‘SC jokes, good ‘SC anecdotes
or funny acronyms for USC, e-mail them to me so I can include them,
and your name, in Friday’s USC special edition. And have a
nice day.